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Wife cheated for 8 years but still loves me??

Saltyfish
Community Member

Back in April 2020 I found out my wife had been cheating on me with her former boss after a dick pic was sent to my 15 year old daughter’s MacBook ( linked account with my wife) My daughter had the courage to tell me which I’m grateful for. After confronting my wife she admitted the affair. I’ve been living in a personal hell since. I did try to speak to a now ex friend but he let his feelings be known when he stuck his fingers in his ears and said he didn’t want to hear it. I don’t have anyone else I can talk to that I trust and can’t afford counseling so I go crazy in silence. My wife doesn’t want me to leave and says she still loves me. I used to feel the raw pain when I first found out but that is now rather subdued.I really want to expose him to his wife but I’m not sure how to go above it. She is a very good person and deserves to know the truth. I’m trying to move on with my life and maybe my marriage but can’t until the truth comes out. If I leave I’ll lose out big time with the divorce as the system is so heavily in favour of the female. My wife still acts the same around me as she did for all those years so I’m confused about how to move forward. This year will be our 25th wedding anniversary but I’m not so sure if that will eventuate. I live in Perth and the only help around here comes with a price tag. Any suggestions would be welcome.

11 Replies 11

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

Its true that the person left with greater custody gets more "slice of the pie" so to speak. But joint custody might stop that imbalance. Talk to a family solicitor.

The other method is by mutual agreement.

Losing equity is a hurtful process but the trade-off is freedom from deceit.

Tough choices but sometimes there is no choice but to make them.

TonyWK

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Saltyfish, thanks for posting your comment.

I do agree with what Tony has said, because his wife will eventually find out, it might not be the first time this has happened.

Whether or not your wife actually loves you or whether she feels comfortable and feels no risk is up for you to decide, but if I knew this was happening with my wife (ex) the front door would be left open and engage a solicitor who has handled this before.

Your wife can't physically love two people and pretend as though nothing is going on because if you can't trust her, the relationship will not be happy, simply because all relationships can be like an addiction, perhaps in a different way, but sometimes the strength of this can be self-destructive as it consistently steals any joy and follows you around day by day.

The help you are after can start by asking your doctor about the mental health plan, this entitles you to 10 free Medicare sessions with a psychologist or such, per year, and the cost of a lawyer will vary from one person to another.

You can, however, talk with your wife and decide what each of you want.

Hope to hear back from you when you're avvailable.

Geoff.

Guest909
Community Member

Hi Saltyfish

Just adding to what has been said, you do have another option. Stay in the marriage and try and sort it out. It won't be easy, but it can be done if there is sufficient commitment from you and your wife. It will require a marriage counsellor and lot of time to rebuild trust. I've seen it work, but that is no guarantee it will work for you. It will depend in your attitude and you wife's attitude.

In regard to your friend, a good friend will support you, and a joint family friend will not take sides. That might explain the fingers in the ear; just guessing.

In regard to the other woman; you are dammed if you tell her and dammed if you don't. I personally would say nothing unless she asks about her husband's affair; but that is me.

There are no winners in a divorce; just losers.

Paul.

Betternow
Community Member

Hi Saltyfish

I’m sorry to read of your marriage crisis. I can fully understand your living hell situation and I feel sad your daughter got caught in the mess too.

Look, I’m going to take a rather hard approach here. Your wife had an affair that she successfully managed to conceal for 8 years. In fact, if it hadn’t been discovered, we can assume she would still be having the affair, After all, she only confessed once she was caught.

You want to expose your wife’s lover to his wife and I agree with that. She deserves to know the truth as you now do. The betrayed wife can choose her own path once she knows the facts. Your wife says she loves you and wants your marriage to continue. Here’s my problem with her attitude.

1. She only confessed after she was caught.

2. She can’t love you if she betrayed you for 8 years. It’s not logical.

3. She probably wants the marriage to continue because you provide the safe stability to raise her daughter. She is frightened of being alone.

4. Has the affair finished? Can you ever trust her again? I mean to conceal an affair for eight years takes a lot of lies, cunning and deception. How do you know when she is speaking the truth?

If she truly loves you and wants your marriage to thrive she should be begging you for forgiveness. She should be prepared to earn your trust and respect. Here’s how she should begin.

She should approach her lover’s wife and confess and ask for forgiveness. You need to witness it. If she isn’t prepared to do this, you have your answer. She is using you as a safe harbour, secure in the knowledge that your providing the stable household.

Recovering a marriage after infidelity is possible. But it takes a lot of work from both partners, usually with expert guidance from a counsellor. But before you embark upon reconciliation you need to know the whole unvarnished truth (because I doubt you do) and your wife’s true feelings.

Hi Betternow, I'm sorry Saltyfish but I couldn't agree any more than what Betternow has said, trust can never be regained and if I was in your situation let her go and do what she wants but without you.

Sorry.

Geoff.

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey Saltyfish

Are you still with us?

I'm very sorry for your pain.

Know there are others here who've been through this incredible betrayal and can support you.

EM

Hi WK,

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your input to my situation. It’s very much a case of damned if you do damned if you don’t. I’m not making any rash decisions but need to move forward. My 16 year old and 10 year old are my biggest priorities in life.

Hi Paul,

Thanks for your reply. I’m currently trying to work through our marriage and sort things out if possible. I don’t particularly want a divorce and my wife is very remorseful for her actions. If I hadn’t of found out, the affair would have been still going on. I’m of the opinion she’s only sorry because she got caught which makes reconciliation more difficult. We’re both open to counselling so we’ll see how it goes.

Hi Betternow,

Thank you for your reply. I agree with your response as it is similar with my thoughts about the whole situation. My kids are my priority but so is my happiness. I have promised myself I will be happy in life and not let anyone or anything stand in my way. She is very remorseful about the affair which has stopped. I contacted her lover and he confessed. He knows his marriage is in my pocket.