Why does betrayal have me feeling grief and loss?

Guest_45495021

My partner of 5 years left after being confronted with his repeated infidelity. He has since ghosted me. No apology, no explanation.
The grief is overwhelming. I feel empty and lost. At 50, I thought he was my forever. I supported him through his depression, addictions and repeated cheating. He went from a high functioning scientist with a prestigious career, to a sex, drug and alcohol addict. He withdrew from friends and family and abandoned his career. He wouldn’t accept help. Even though his lying, deceit and betrayal worsened, I stayed. I loved him despite the toxicity. So why am I struggling with his absence? I can’t eat, can’t sleep. I feel so alone. I am grappling with the dread and shame. I experienced long term domestic violence with both of my first two husbands, and now this.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I just unlucky? Cursed? Too caring, too empathetic? It just feels like the end of the world.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I could speculate- that you could be too kind, too loving and, honest and too committed. We type of people seem to attract those that take us for granted and know in their evaluating minds that you wont leave them. They continue because they know you well, they can sense it would take an awful lot for you to leave.

Those reasons I mentioned also means we suffer the most and in most cases with these one sided relationships, we are the victims and there is nothing wrong with us except- sensitive, loyal, loving devoted individuals. I recognised this at the end of my 3rd long term relationship of 10 years. Apart from step parent issues with her and my teenage girls her controlling persona destroyed us. I left and went through a massive focus on ME!. I concluded that

I wasnt going to change
that my ex's had the issues which sounds arrogant but 16 years later I still believe it
That I'll always keep searching for my soul mate and never give up
That I'm worthy of love and to give love.

And so one year later I actually married my best friend of 25 years in 2011. Still happy

So, when you compare your values and other fine qualities, this fellow doesnt appear to be compatible. Your massive level of hope is your pivot to why you are so devastated. Do you think it's time to care for yourself, take a break from all this upheaval then reset when the time is right, to enjoy life and even begin to date again without mental baggage but with intense observations of the company you keep.?

Relationship breakers can be listed and it goes a bit like this- infidelity, addictions including gambling, alcohol, drugs, dishonesty, flirting, solo decision making, domestic violence of any kind, manipulation, control, misogynism, cruelty, criminal activity, lack of respect, mental illness untreated, escaping responsibilities and so on.

I hope that helps you cope and gives so clarity. I'm speaking from life's experience. Reply anytime.

TonyWK

Guest_10472

Very true - helpful. I would also reach out to this phone line or life line or a womens line for support. Sometimes you need to hear how unsuitable someone is for you because of their behaviour quite a few times. 🦋 It's completely normal you feel absolutely shocked and sad.

therising

My heart goes out to you so much as you now work on navigating the way forward, mentally and emotionally and perhaps even in soulful kinds of ways. Some people or situations can feel so soul destroying.

I've found deeply sensitive people can sense an entire range when it comes to a person's nature. From the absolute best of qualities in someone's nature to the absolute worst, it can involve an enormous spectrum. Some folk will only see the best or only see the worst but those with the ability to sense so much can see and feel the entirety of someone's nature. The range of emotions we can feel is similar. From pure love through to moments of pure resentment, there can be those 'pendulum' moments when we can swing from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, sometimes in the blink of an eye.

When a beautiful deeply feeling person meets another beautiful deeply feeling person, it's like they've both hit the jackpot. When a manipulative or self serving person meets with a beautiful deeply feeling person, for that person they have also hit the jackpot. All 'feelers' or 'sensitives' can be led to feel/sense. They can be led to feel/sense love, joy, excitement, peace and (on the dark side) guilt, shame, self doubt and more. Often there is nothing wrong with a sensitive person, just some of the leaders who lead them to feel in certain ways.

While I'm not a fan of the more challenging emotions, I have learned of many through experiencing first hand how they feel. And while I'm not a fan of some of the 'teachers' who have brought me these lessons in sensing or feeling that end of the spectrum, I admit I would never have come to know these emotions if not for them. They've expanded my range of feeling. I now know a degrading person when I feel one, a manipulative person when I feel one, a self serving person with an agenda when I feel one and so on.

When we can be facing something that leads us to feel the end of the world, it can be the end of the world we have known our whole life up until this point. A new world can be one that has us going from simply feeling all our emotions to becoming absolute masters of all that we are capable of feeling or sensing. Btw, I'd have to say the hardest feeling to sense, understand and master is the feeling of love at its most painful.❤️