When to tell the kids we are splitting for good.

KDAWGS · ‎20-01-2016

My husband and I have been married for 19yrs. A very rocky relationship and I feel it has been maintained by 1 side (me).. My husband has depression and a lot going on with his parents (mum going into care for Alzheimers and dad diagnosed with mesothelioma) I have been there every step of the way supporting him through his depression, trying to keep things happy at home and really trying in our relationship. We have NO sex life and I have recently found out he has been confiding in a woman he met through his work as a handyman. Essentially this is the 4th time he has found another woman to turn to during these times rather than his partner. He told me "I find it difficult to talk to you" which I don't get at all. So, needless to say things have been very tense in our house of late he is moving out and has asked for me to give him till mid march (after he goes away for a week to play golf) and then he'll move out. I told him last night he can have till end of Feb.... I also asked when we will tell the kids (15 & 16y.o), he said when he finds a place..... this is not good enough for me. I want to tell them while they are still off school so they can have time to process what's happening and not have to worry about school impacting on them. My son is not happy going back to school and is a very sensitive kid and I am very worried how this will all affect him. I am sure they both know what's going on and I am hoping that when they know the tension will be gone it will be a happy home again. We separated 7 yrs ago for 7 months and we were happy then. Hubby came home cause he wanted to, not cause I asked him to either.....
I just want to know what you think..... do "we" tell them or do "I" tell them if he doesn't want to yet????
TIA

white knight · ‎20-01-2016

Hi DAWG, welcome

For what its worth in my view I'd tell them asap. Then they are prepared when he does move out. It will be less drama.

There is no ideal time. Young people are really resilient.

Tony WK

KDAWGS · ‎20-01-2016

Thanks White Knight.. I do want to tell them asap as you said so they can process it & not be in shock when the time comes.

Can i say, i got a kick that "white knight" replied as it is a joke in my family about me & white knights.... When i was about 11 I stole a white knight lolly as a dare & have been given grief ever since. So, thank you for taking the time to reply. Xx

pipsy · ‎21-01-2016

Dear KDAWGS. I agree 100% with White Knight. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' time to tell kids 'mum and dad are quitting'. They do need to know and you may be surprised by their reaction. If they're aware there's problems, they'll probably be relived to know it's stopping. They're going back to school, they'll have enough problems readjusting after a long break. The last thing they need is more tension between mum and dad. Let them know there'll be no disruption to their living environment. Unfortunately, being teenagers, there'll be a bit of selfishness about living arrangements, 'are they going to stay in the home, will they have to move'? That could be their first reaction, not saying it will be, just, it could be. I would 'pin' hubby down NOW, he wants to go, he owes the kids that much. Hubby may want to be alone with the kids to tell them, I would give him the time, but stay in the house. If they want to 'tell him off', let them, they need him to know they're disappointed. Hubby's made his bed, he has to face the consequences.

KDAWGS · ‎22-01-2016

Thanks Pipsy for your reply.
I want to tell the kids together, I want them to know that we are ending things because of us and nothing they have done. I also want them to know the reason why (dad doesn't love me) and that things will be different but they will get quality time with each of us now and not the tension of playing one off against the other which also happens - between hubby not the kids...
He is a very selfish man and only thinks of himself so now he will have the time to think of only him.....
Thanks for your advice.

pipsy · ‎22-01-2016

Hi KDAWGS. Normally I would go along completely with both of you telling the kids. What worries me about it is hubby blaming you in front of the kids for what's gone wrong. You said he's very selfish, he may try to blame you for him wanting to be with someone else, rather than admit he has the 'roving eye'. People who 'look around', usually make the excuse 'my wife/husband doesn't understand me'. If he tries to blame you for him turning to someone else, you're naturally going to defend yourself. This makes for more arguments, possibly in front of kids who already feel the tension between you. If you're not there and he turns the blame on you, at least you won't argue in front of the kids. The kids will soon figure out for themselves that it wasn't you causing the problem, it was their father. Once he's gone, if the kids do ask why dad has someone else, you won't be quite so defensive, rather than 'ranting', you'll be able to say, quietly. Dad simply stopped loving me. You don't lose face as an unresponsive, unloving wife. Whatever happens between him and the kids after that, is on his head completely. I understand why you want to tell the kids together, I just hope it goes the way you want.

Good luck, whatever happens.