Separating with an expected Narcissistic partner
i have just gone through a separation with my partner (of 2 years) and i have now started to realise that there was a lot of Narcissistic behaviour. Throughout the relationship she would constantly turn any negative or criticisms back onto myself and needed to be continually provided with many material things such as clothes new cars etc. Looking back she would not acknowledge my feelings and continually left me feeling like i had done everything wrong. I was constantly apologising for things i had not done. During the relationship she was very protective and insistent that i didn't tell anyone i had purchased her a new car and she told many people she purchased the new car and also still told a lot of people she was a single mother where she thought that would provide her with a financial advantage. During the breakup and still to this day she has been telling a lot of lies and lying to myself about things her son and parents have said etc to try to gain more financial advantage through guilt.I have been blaming myself for all the things that went wrong and was trying to do anything i could to get back together.
The problem i now have is that we have a significant difference in what she is entitled too post the relationship. (we were not living together long enough to be defacto and to be able to go through court). Not that i would want the emotional stress.
My question is how do i approach her about her potential Narcissistic Personality disorder and if i should approach her about this? I would appreciate hearing from anyone in a similar experience and if anyone see's anything other than NPD
My reason for this is because she has hurt a large amount of her family who do not understand her beliefs of entitlement (Which is know is fed by the Narcissism) and also caused a lot of hurt and distress for myself. I am on my way back from the lowest points now however i can see this continuing as she still tries to contact myself to "supply" her Narcissistic needs.
I have read just about every online resource about her behaviour and NPD describes her behaviour exactly.
Her behaviour sounds terrible and you are right to feel treated badly. If I can just touch on my experience with people who have narcissistic tendencies. In my youth, I often became good friends with people with strong personalities, so strong I tended to shut up completely and let them call all the shots. In hindsight now, I can see that I had such low-self esteem , I needed a friend who appeared highly confident, even if that wasn't their true nature. So in effect, I unwittingly, played a part in me being walked all over. I put down the welcome mat, "please feel free, I have no boundaries." So what I'm saying is, before you get involved in another relationship, have a look at yourself. What vibe am I giving to the other person? Do I have clear boundaries? Am I attracting a suitable person? Is my self-esteem healthy?
Sorry I haven't addressed any of your specific issues. I just thought my insight might be of use.
Thank you for your reply. I agree completely with everything you have said and if there is one positive from this i have learnt a lot about myself and will be a stronger person because of it.
My biggest issue is i do still care for her (even though i doubt i could have any trust for her again) and her young son who i have raised in the absence of his biological father. I am also very close with some of her family members who are in similar situations and they cannot understand she can justify her current behaviour. I would like to see her seek some help for hers, her son, and her family's well being as going unattended will only leave more "victims". It doesn't help that i am an empathetic!!
Thanks again for your replay some very valuable advice.
Hi Gseek. Unfortunately, bottom line, there is NO WAY she will ever admit to her personality disorder, because, put simply, she doesn't believe she has one. People who have NPD, will blame everyone for everything because they feel so 'put upon' by circumstances. She will also mix with similar type people because 'birds of a feather'. The best thing you can do is walk away. I know this is not what you want to hear, but even being friends with her will cause problems. You will never understand her behaviour because NPD's have their own illogical belief that they have the right to treat people the way they do. I am sorry also for her family, but there's nothing anyone can do. She may believe in her own mind that she's had to fight for her very existence, while this is probably untrue, to her, it's true. I am worried about the effect her behaviour will have on her son, but, again, you are not the biological father (do you know him?) Family Services won't be able to do anything because she won't show any sign of narcissism with them. If they do visit, she will come across as 'mother of the year'. They are excellent actors, who always manage to sound hard done by. One thing I have to say (sorry if this hurts) she couldn't care less for you or anyone, she is not capable of deep, emotional, love. The lying is all part of her disorder. Stay away from her son for the time being, loyalty to her will make him tell her he's seen you.
Hope this has given you some insight. It must have been a dreadful shock for you.
Thank you Pipsy,
I have read pretty much everything you have said and do totally agree. I have been avoiding contact and sticking to the no contact rule. The unfortunate part of the situation is that she does still have possession of a motor vehicle which is quite expensive, Im paying but she insisted it was registered in her name (I now know why) and i need to have the car returned so i can move on with my life without that over my head for the next 4 1/2 years. Long story she was going to pay the repayment and had declared bankruptcy previously etc so had to finance in my name.Hence to say she has never and continues not to pay 1 cent. She believes she is entitled and does not want to return it despite my making her an offer which all her family believes is exceptionally generous. So at some point (when my house sells) and i can provide her with the offer i am going to need to make contact with her and get her to agree. I do have the court option but as she has done some things which are quite wrong this would be less than ideal for all involved.
Is there any way which i can get her to agree or to at least cooperate with the minimal issues arising from this?
Thank you Pipsy your advice is very appreciated.
Oh an sorry Pipsy,
Yes i have met his biological father but do not know hime well, she will not allow her son to see him as he has been unemployed for sometime and has been unable to pay child support.
And maybe worth noting she has suffered prior to our relationship from anxiety and depression and has seemed treatment for this. And she has also suffered depression towards the end of our relationship and seemed treatment from and physiologist
I started a reply to you then managed to delete it, but now that I have returned you have received an excellent reply from Pipsy. There is a long thread on NPD on BB which you can access via this link. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends/narcissistic-personality-disorder-and-narcissistic-victim-syndrome-
I was going to say pretty much the same as Pipsy so I won't repeat the comments. If you want your property returned you will probably need to go to court. If loan agreements are in your name then I would think it proves your ownership. Go to a solicitor and save yourself a lot of pain. Make all offers through a solicitor otherwise you will get tangled up in her schemes. Get proper advice and if her past catches up with her that's too bad.
You are playing her game and feeling sorry for her. She does not care about anyone and will twist everything to her advantage. Be completely open with the solicitor. Yours is not the first sad story he/she has heard but they are in a position to give you proper advice. Stay away from her and her family. You can't win this one on your own or by being nice.
Thank you Mary, and to fix a few spelling errors on my last post seemed should have been seeked.
And probably to be clear it is no longer her i feel sorry for. I am sticking to my guns and my beliefs and will not bend, however its is her son that i do feel sorry for as her actions are already causing him a lot of early childhood mental disorders which he is now seeking help for.
Hi Gseek. I too feel sorry for the son, but, having said that, if he is having some sort of counselling, the person he is seeing will soon 'suss' her out for what and who she is. As the son grows, he will also see what she's like. The counsellor helping the son may eventually try to contact the father. Mary's also right with her advise about legal rights. If you have to take her to court, hopefully you will get some sort of compensation. Again though, tell your lawyer exactly what he/she is up against, forewarned is forearmed. Your ex may try to produce proof that she has paid you for the car. She, as I said and Mary said, will do anything to twist things to her advantage. Get in touch with the finance company you used when you purchased the car. Ask them if she ever paid them. You know she didn't, but she may try and say she has since paid. If it was a cash payment, do you still have the original receipt as proof of purchase. The finance company will also give you any and all papers concerning any payments. If you do have to go to court, the more proof you have of her deceit re: car, the better your chances.
Best wishes for your future. Try not to worry about the boy, he'll survive. The courts will make sure you won't be too much out of pocket. I'm hoping you won't have to go to court, but if you do, all the very best.
Thank you Pipsy.
The son is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and has also been diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory disorder. The sons psychologist is the one who suggested that she see a psychologist. As far as the legal side is concerned i have financial records from the day we met so i am very well protected in that sense and have written evidence for all the wrong doings she has done.
I will follow the advice given to me here and cease all contact and hopefully i will be back in a few months to tell my story how i have got on with my new and more rewarding life.
I do hope that her psychologist will recognise the signs or that her extended family may intervene as they have given myself very strong messages of support and condemned her actions (all bar her mother that is) purely for the benefit of the child and his future.
Thanks again for the great advice.