When love is not enough

ReeCar123 · ‎26-04-2020

Hi All,

my partner and I have recently made the painful but necessary decision to go separate ways for now. We love each other dearly and miss each other very much but he has a lot of old wounds, both from childhood and a past toxic marriage that need to be healed first before he will be truly able to live a life without guilt, avoidance and fear. I will work on myself too and although we do not know what the future holds and it may not hold each other for us, we are both hopeful and see this as a great opportunity to get ourselves to a better level of awareness of self and a better quality of life so that we can truly love (each other) fully one day. We would like to have another chance with each other but I am not sure whether it will be so in the end. Only time will tell, I guess. I know everything will be ok in the end, no matter what, we will be ok.But at the moment, since this is all fresh and I love him very much, I am still hoping to have him in my life again one day. We are very kind and warm with each other still and not entirely cut off from each other but we implement boundaries on purpose because we know that if we perpetuate old patterns, nothing lasting and good will come from it.

So long story short, I am wondering whether anyone has any stories of successful reconnection with a person they loved after the hard work was done. I would really like some words of encouragement and hope right now. I know I might be holding on to a weak straw and I also know that, one day, this hope might fade and that will be ok, too. But right now, something positive would really help. So if you have anything positive to share, I would be eternally grateful. Thank you in advance and I wish you all the best in return.

Deckt · ‎26-04-2020

Hi ReeCar123,

I don't have a good reconnection story for you, I'm sorry. But I do have a general good news in the event that the reconnection doesn't happen. I get that you may not be looking for stories like that right now, but I'll be following this thread in case you need any of those kind of stories in the future.

Hugs, Deckt.

white knight · ‎26-04-2020

Hi, welcome

Nearly all adults have skeletons in the close or previous toxic relationships or family trauma. The pressure on the trauma free partner can be a heavy load.

The sad fact is, in my own experience, is that guilt and dwelling on the past won’t likely vanish, it will very slowly fade over decades if at all. Those shackles will always,in some degree, be locked.

Take guilt for example- commonly caused by (but not always) over dominating parenting, verbal abuse and other injections of doubt it is usually not eliminated, the best hoped for is to manage it.

To effectively manage it we need to allow some of those bad memories to surface but limit the time on the topic. Then time is the major healer.

For these reasons I’m sceptical your plan to separate will be the course that produces the desired result. Commonly going through the motions of management of these past upheavals together is the better course of action.

However, that’s my view and you both have your own decision making. Can I suggest you or both of you research these issues to help come to a place of “reasonable” contentment so you can reunite.

Some issues from childhood are so unground they become part of our nature. Trying to eliminate them can be fruitless.

Please..google

beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

beyondblue topic the positives of fear

beyondblue topic relationship strife? The peace pipe

beyondblue topic fortress of survival. (Also part 2)

beyondblue topic supermarket shelves

beyondblue topic acceptance, the frog and the scorpion

repost anytime

TonyWK

ReeCar123 · ‎27-04-2020

Hello Deckt,

your message has struck me as very honest, kind and unintrusive. I would actually love to hear your stories even if they do not fall in line with reconnection. Would you be happy to share? Thank you again.

Deckt · ‎28-04-2020

Hi ReeCar123,

Let me start by saying that it sounds that the hope of re-connection in your case are far more realistic than similar hopes I've had in the past. I don't think that you're holding on to a weak straw, as you put it. It sounds like you and your partner have made a mature decision that is aimed at getting the best future for both of you, together or apart. Do you have plans to seek some counselling? If it's not appropriate, given your situation, to get couples counselling, I would still urge you both to get some individual counselling. I think that you are doing the best possible thing that you can right now, which is to stay positive and accept things that are outside your control. 🙂

Last year, my relationship of 2.5 years ended. We had dealt with a lot of issues (or, as it turns out, did not deal with them), including addiction, mental illness and broken families. Ultimately, she decided that she loved alcohol more than she loved me. She decided that she couldn't deal with the fact that I have children from a previous relationship, and that sometimes, not always, their needs would come ahead of her wants. She decided that it was easier to blame me for everything in her life that was less than perfect than accept life, and me, for the good parts and work on the not-so-good parts.

I hoped for a long time that we would reconcile. But I eventually realised, after some more traumatic experiences, that as much as I wanted things to change, for her to change, it was outside my control. I was setting myself on fire to try to keep her warm, and that wasn't good or healthy for me. And it didn't help her, either.

Now, this might sound like a sad story, and to an extent it is. I don't hate her, or wish her anything other than the best things in life. I feel sorry that I couldn't help her, but I feel reassured that I did everything I could, and it is not on me that it wasn't enough for her, because nothing ever would have been; until she dealt with the scars from her past. Does that sound a bit familiar to you?

The good news (though it's early to call it a happy ending) is that recently, I've met a new person. It's still very new, but I have hope for the future. She accepts me for who I am, and values me. It has brought into sharp perspective the fact that my previous relationship, no matter how much I wanted it to work, was just not right. And that's ok. Experience, good or bad, can be learned from.

I hope this helps. Happy to talk more any time.

Dt