what he will never know...
My depressed partner has isolated himself from me. I understand why and I am committed to loving and supporting him unconditionally from afar.
It feels selfish, but I need to express how this makes me feel too...telling him without actually doing so.
My phone is deafeningly silent. My heart is empty. My mind races. I begin to forget what you look like. My body craves your touch...your hand on my face, your lips on my head and your hand in mine. I don't recognise the way you smell where reminders have often made me smile. The comfort of your company is a memory fading fast. The sound of your voice, the way you say my name is saved only in my memory as unique and treasured. Love has become intangible, unexplainable in the overwhelming crush of missing you. The safety and security of your presence, now absent, brings pain to my core. Each smile feels fake, my fear is real. The word 'love' is now inadequate. But hope sustains me. That you will beat this intruder in your mind, your peace and your heart. I am angry because that is where I belong. I look forward with hope to the day you put me back in my place. When you realise the lies of the beast who invades your soul. And you rediscover the wonderful man that you have always been.
Thinking this, all while knowing that you are hurting far beyond me is the most difficult pain to endure. That it must end for you, for your smile to return is my wish for you. Hoping that you might smile for me is a self indulgent bonus.
You are so lucky to know such love.
Your support will be such a benefit for him, even if he can't see or appreciate it now. He will know. Depression twists the thinking, it is a demon in the brain, a curse.
Keep hanging in there, keep looking after yourself. You are incredible.
I like to think that there must be benefits for going through this pain. Eventually you will be so close emotionally, after sharing this horrific journey. You will be connected in way that would not be possible without going through this.