What does 'Putting Me First' mean to you in relationships or situations? (Any kind)

[Just Sara]

I read of so many situations within relationships where people find it difficult to deal with their partner/boss/family/friend etc. "How can I help them to overcome and treat me better?"

This plea arrives on the forums every day. The simple (it would seem) and rational answer is to be the best we can be regardless, and to think of ourselves first. Easier said than done yeah?

I was placed in a dangerous situation with a stranger recently. I acted quickly to protect myself and my property with positive results. It was scary and anxiety challenged me afterwards so I called Lifeline. A pearl of wisdom came from her which resonated with me; "You put yourself first and this is to be praised, not questioned"

Why is it we don't do this with loved one's or people in our circle of trust until it's too late?

First time posters are more than welcome to contribute as well as our regular members!

Go for it!

Sara xo

[Moonstruck]

This thread has given me lots of food for thought and introspection.. It's proved very insightful and thanks to all sensitive intelligent folk who have contributed. I am proud to have you among my circle of......people!

I think I know where my "not putting myself first" could come from.

Right back to the beginning.....my mother (isn't it always your "mother) didn't want me, told me I was a mistake, wish I'd never been born, was a nuisance, if she died my father would "get rid of me" and "put me in an orphanage" - (My father was a wonderful man and grandad to my own kids..they adored him). My mother was mentally ill...even as a little girl I could see that!

i grew up craving unconditional love and someone to "look after me". She died when I was 16 and I was glad - her dominating controlling nature had become intolerable.

I married young, a considerably older man. I was not "in love with" him but saw security and being looked after for the rest of my life. I guess he may have been "refilling the mother hole" in me..who knows?

the one and only time and area in which I "put myself first" he could not tolerate and left me. Life for me and our two little boys from that time was years of Hell, with a capital "H". He pretended none of us existed. He took up his bachelor life again and totally rejected the kids as well as me. He blotted me from his life because I had "put myself first" . I have never put myself first again...ever..with anyone.

[Croix]

Dear Moonstruck~
I’ve just read your post (I had wondered about your previous comments on marriage).

I’m so sorry. I’ve been rabbiting on in front of you about my good fortune – and my abuse of it when I was in the police. I did not think it might appear as a remote alien world to some probably yielding pain – though I should have I guessed.

Although this whole forum is about - in part - ‘getting to know yourself’ and that does mean setting things down for others to see, I really hope I’ve not made things harder for you by doing so.

I forget if I mentioned it in this thread or another but I was dis-inherited when my family thought my prospective wife was ‘unsuitable’. Being cut off, even though the previous relationship with them had been a bit ‘ordinary’ really brought it home to me that convention and assumed love withdrawn shattered my world view – all my comfortable pre-conceptions were wrong.

Also in the police someone senior tried to make me a patsy - fortunately it did not turn out that way.

Happenstance trumps all. I has love to go to, you did not.

I realize from the number of your posts you must have seen much on these threads. I wonder if you can think in your heart yet that the person I am right now talking to is the real you, the one that must be put first.

I’m sorry I’m probably not explaining what I mean very well.

Are you boys grown up, or still young? Do you get on well?

I forgot to say before when I looked at your picture that I would have liked it – except I’m not able to handle ‘melancholy’ any more.

I’m humbled to be included in your circle of people

My very best wishes

Croix

[Just Sara]

Hey Wishful!

Sometimes you've gotta fall to know where 'up' is. We learn more from our precious mistakes than many success'

Thankyou for reading my threads/posts. How nice to say that.

I think many could relate to my 'theory of invisiblity'. (I = UCsquared ha ha) I read between the lines sometimes and see it coming from a lot of people.

You say you're a late bloomer; what's this mean?

Sara xo

[Just Sara]

Hi Moon;

I had to take some time to think of how I was going to respond to you. I need to be careful when I reply as I sometimes 'feel' and 'see' people's words of childhood and man trauma's.

As children, if not nurtured, we instinctively crave that 'something' to fill the void; my drugs of choice were food for the infant, alcohol for the teen and sex for the adult. I eventually saw myself as the cause; I just wasn't lovable or good enough.

I wrote to Wishful about my 'theory of invisibility'; I bet you were nearly begging for it! Better to be unseen than to take that kind of abandonment and cruelty. Sorry Moon, I remember how I felt a lot of the time with my mum..angry and frustrated at not even receiving a decent gaze my way.

Would you like to share how you stood up for yourself for the first time with your husband? It's ok if you don't want to talk about it. I get that. But if you do, I'm all ears.

It's actually a normal response to back away from a change in a person's personality. It makes sense you'd be edgy after he walked away from you. You challenged your husband when usual actions from you like that didn't exist. You do realise you didn't cause him to leave and treat you with distain don't you?

I've hit this type of process many times and am only just seeing the light. It's never about them, it's about me. Not worrying about how others respond was the lesson I needed to learn. That was my biggest problem. My mum's legacy to me. I was scared shitless of her and every person who seemed an authority figure.

I stayed 'average' Moon, to satisfy her jealousy. I stayed 'average' for bosses, friends and partners. I'm tired of being average. I want to know what it's like at the top. I've got what it takes to get there...have you?

Unconditional love Moon...

Sara xoxo

[Starwolf]

Dear Sara, staying average must have put you under huge pressure. Because you are so far from average ! Methinks you couldn't do it if you tried your best. So you would have been perceived as a huge threat, a challenge, someone to be conquered for some.

In other words, a pawn in someone else's game.

Well done for seeing the light, you got it...seeing, accepting yourself as you are is the first step towards improving on what you've got and being accepted by others (or at least being left alone, tossed by potential predators and bullies in the "too hard" basket).

Self-image is what dictates most of our actions and reactions. We often act to protect its frailty and overcome the feeling of inadequacy imposed on us by abuse and/or neglect. This created over self is different and alienated from our real self and also from others.

Abuse (emotional or other) in childhood blocks the normal process of emotionally maturing. So we end up stuck with the need to feel safe and seek approval. Unrealistic expectations of ourselves have us believe we need to meet everyone else's needs. And so the ability to find peace and harmony flies out the window !

Invisible... Are you kidding ? I see you and I like what I see. I hope you like it too.

[Just Sara]

Well shucks Star; thank ya' mam.

Your words read so nicely across the page; really thoughtful and quoteable might I add. There's always been a flare to your writing, and this was no exception.

You're right of course about being 'average'. It took me quite some time to understand this about myself. It wasn't until I did a live-in 11 wk training course (for a govt job) that I started to have a clue I was more than expected. I sat many exams during that time, and topped the class 3 out of 5 times, missing Dux by 1/3 of a mark. The woman who beat me came to me to help write her speech!

That was 3 decades ago, but it's only recently I'm discovering how I can put that mojo to use. I studied for yrs gaining one qualification after another, but still felt lacking. Opportunities came and went as I tried to find the confidence and know-how to to use it.

I learned the more needy I was, the more attention and support I got. What a screwed up mentality! Though I must admit at times this aspect came in handy when negotiating some workplace personality problems.

Becoming an independent thinker and asserting my position was a trial and error process. It did cause some conflict and I still look back wondering if I was right or wrong. The age old 'it's all my fault' hasn't been easy to let go of. And of course, people took advantage of this to get 'off the hook'.

I guess the point I'm making, is that when we decide to stand up and 'be seen', conflict is inevitable. Those around us are challenged by not having their scapegoat on tap anymore, so they up the anti. The temptation to become small again beckons with force.

Being intelligent isn't enough. It's having the courage to shine. I don't know how many times I read of similar situations from others on here.

I'm proud of me Star. I like who I am and in the process of asserting this on a more personal level, changing my lifestyle. Up until now I've been looking after me as my parents did, an habitual merry-go-round. Sole accountabilty is now out in the open; excuses won't cut it anymore.

Today I'm creating tomorrow's past. Best to make it a good memory eh?

Many thanks...

Sara xo

[CJs_mum]

WOW! Thank you so much!

[Starwolf]

I'm glad you are proud of yourself. Of course you have good reasons to be. The "feel good" state of mind wants to perpetuate itself. We naturally want more of the same. So progress acquires momentum and hard slog because easier.

You're right, conflict is inevitable in the human jungle. Only our attitude towards it is changeable. And past abuse doesn't equip us to handle conflict well. Not giving in to the fear of losing popularity is a challenge. But there comes a time when self-esteem becomes more significant than cheap popularity. We come to realize that what people appreciate and fear to lose is not our true selves but a mask (the conditioned over-self). This false personality doesn't stand the test of time. Sooner or later, the real self wants/needs to resurface. Conflict then becomes twofold. Against those for whose benefit the mask was created (and what we thought would be our own peace of mind) and against ourselves. The situation turns into a mess of dying dreams, resentment, frustration, suppressed anger etc... and more self-hatred for not working it out.

Intellectual understanding comes first. Over time, it makes it impossible for us to turn back. Knowledge demands taking responsibility. But we must be patient with ourselves...a lifetime of abuse and entrenched brain patterns can't be healed and rectified instantly. There's no on/off switch. Temptation will always be there but as time goes by, resisting it gradually becomes another pattern.

Like with everything else, what is not used for some time eventually weakens and breaks down. The over-self is not to be fought against directly. Even simply raging against it adds to its power because it engages our emotions. The easiest way to prevail is to make slow, consistent progress towards healing/fortifying the real self.

A lifetimes' work ? Probably. But what beyond self-realization is worth striving for ? I've never seen a hearse with a roof rack or a trailer behind 🙂

Happy trails, dear friend.

[Starwolf]

Sorry about the typo in line 2 : hard slog becomes easier...So much for the flare in my writing ! I should be more consistent about re-reading before pushing the reply button 🙂

[Just Sara]

Ah ha ha ha...

Proof reading is as imperfect as anything else Star! Your flair's still there ducky! Peep's like us from the anal persuasion tend to overthink and self punish for the slightest of wrongs, like turning 'because' into 'becomes'.

My spell-check isn't working, and as much as it really pisses me off, there's nothing I can do until I get the app working. Talk about restraint! I am learning, but not having this instantaneous crutch could be a lesson in patience and relying on my memory and comprehension of the English language/vocabulary.

How many spelling errors have I made so far? Does it really matter in the scheme of things? Abso-bloody-lutely says the anal retentive sitting on my chair! Ha ha

You are of course correct in everything you've written dear friend. Your word error for example, is now a distant memory in the caverns of archived crap! Just like each action or word created in ignorance of self promotion. (Self first)

We can be so devistatingly harsh on ourselves when in recovery mode, especially when our efforts to heal damaged parts of self becomes (or is that because? lol Please don't hurt me!) obssessive; for me it has.

I try to find balance with inane activities, or family and friends. However, my will to succeed and overcome, eventually sneaks past barriers to again strive on do-or-die-NOW!! mode. I'm better than I used to be, so this in itself is a plus I suppose.

The biggie though, and you'd know this, is forgiving ourselves; accepting we're fallible. Moving on also relies heavily on forgiving 'them'. I've been thinking of starting a new thread about forgiveness. It's probably been up for grabs quite a few times as the subject is relative to healing mental health in general. We'll see...

Love ya heaps...

Sara xoxo