What do I do?
Firstly I just want to ask you not to judge me, as I have been beating myself up about this every day for the last 5 years.
I met Henry while on a girls night out in 2008. He charmed me with his smile, and asked me to dance. It was then that I fell for him.
I quickly found out that Henry was married, and told him many times that we couldn't be together, however just when I thought I was over him he would knock on my door asking for another chance. As time went on he wore me down and I decided to follow my heart instead of my head.
Henry and I saw each other whenever we could. I knew that his company had folded and he had to sell his family home to pay some of the debt. He was a very proud man and this was a real blow to his self esteem. I knew that he occasionally took drugs and drank (these all should have rang alarm bells), but never while he was around me. He began to look tired, but would always say that he was fine when I would ask him if he was ok.
On a cold day in July 2011 there was a knock at my door, and it was Henry. He looked AMAZING! He was dressed in brand new clothes, was freshly shaven and had a new haircut. He just radiated confidence.This was the Henry that I met all those years ago. We spent time together and I remember saying to him that if he found himself with nothing to do that weekend he should drop by. I was in love.
About a week went by and I hadn't heard from him, this wasn't unusual due to the circumstances of our relationship.
I never purchased the local Saturday paper, but decided to on this particular day. While flicking through the sports section I saw that the local Rugby club had 1 minute silence out of respect to Henry, who was tragically killed the week before. HENRY HAD DIED. My world stood still. My love had been taken. I kept reading the article over and over hoping that the name would change, but it wouldn't. I also found out that his funeral was held on the Friday before the paper's release. I didn't know what to do. I needed to see him, to say goodbye, to make it real. I called the funeral home in tears but they could not disclose any details to me as I was not his immediate family. I couldn't talk to my family or friends because no one knew that we were together, and they would frown on this type of relationship. I locked myself away from the world and cried.
I had to try to keep functioning at work although I was dying inside. Slowly word got out that Henry had committed suicide, and it happened the day after I saw him looking so great. Rumour has it that he called his wife to say goodbye and she didn't get to him in time.
I don't want to know how he died or why he died; I just want him back. I've heard people say that there is a sense of calm that comes over a person once they have decided to take their own life, and I believe it after seeing him that last time.
I have stopped feeling angry at him for leaving me the way he did. I am angry at myself for not realising he was needing help. I am angry at myself for getting myself into this situation. I am angry at myself for not being able to stop crying while I write this. I am angry at myself for not being able to delete his photo or his number from my phone. I am angry at myself because I dont know how to say goodbye. I thought that moving towns would help but it hasn't.
I think about Henry every single day. I need to move on with my life but I dont want to forget him. How do I stop crying? I should probably also mention that I have severe depression and have been on medication for this since 2000 when I was in an abusive relationship.
Please help me.
Firstly, just letting you know that everyone on this site is treated as equally as possible and no-one is ever judged. That's what makes this community so supportive and positive for all who come here.
I'm really sorry for your loss and for what occurred. It's a terrible thing to have to live through, and even more so, for you, as you're having to handle this all alone.
I honestly think you should get to a GP for professional assistance with this; as you've already got severe depression, this is only going to flare up your depression even more. You really need assistance in getting through this ... while we can provide as much support and hopeful advice here, I so hope you can get yourself an appointment.
Please don't beat yourself up about what happened and for the "if onlys" and those kind of things. How could you possibly have known his mind-set? The tears that are flowing now are such a natural reaction and they actually do need to flow. Please don't be angry about those.
Saying goodbye is much more difficult to address ... and I'm sorry, but for this I'm actually a bit stumped for what to suggest. I hope another poster will have a possible answer for this aspect.
You won't forget Henry ... and I dare say that will be forever, but then again, why should you forget him. He was such a special person to you. You are doing things to help yourself which is excellent and to help yourself move on ... but these things are a severe blow to the system, and it will just take time.
I do hope you can get yourself to a GP and let them know exactly what has happened. They don't judge either (or at least, I hope they don't).
I hope that you're going "ok" at the moment and I hope that you can get back to us if you feel ok to do so,