What do I do?

[Sophi_e]

My boyfriend and I recently moved in with each other and before this I knew he enjoyed drugs. Since I have been living with him and found him in dire states more than a couple of times - he came to me and told me he wasn't happy with his use and I agreed and asked what I could do to help him. I have supported him over the last few months in many stressful periods and told him that he doesn't need to hide anything if he does anything, just be open and honest is my philosophy. It has recently gotten worse where I am convinced that he has been taking illicit substances on nights out or when he's home and he convinces me that I am silly and he would never - to which I always find out about a week later that he lied to me. I have encouraged him to see someone or to try and take himself out of situations where he knows friends will encourage him. I no longer know what to do, I am in a very stressful period myself and can't keep being lied to. This isn't a good relationship foundation as now I have developed trust issues around other areas because if he can lie about this - what else can he lie about? Please help me.

[Croix]

Dear Sophi_e~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and sympathize about your circumstances, it is really heartbreaking to see someone you love change for the worse - and it is a real change. Perhaps by living with him you have had more opportunities to see what is going on.

In any close relationship it is a partnership with each person loving and caring for the  other and each having confidence they can rely upon the other. Now your BF has changed so the use of illicit substances has taken over, and you  are no longer first for him. Sadly you can't rely upon him.

Of course he may try to minimize your knowledge of his habits and lie to you, but as you rightly say it does not just break down trust in the drug area but spreads to all areas.

Addiction is a complex thing, taking its toll on finances and relationships, even brushes with the law. It is not easily rectified and even if successful can take a very long time.

You sound a very loving person who really has done all you can - with understanding, encouraging honesty and a break from poor influences as well as asking him to seek support.

As things are getting worse these methods have not been effective, but on the other hand have left you in a very stressed and upset state, wondering what more you can do.

I'm afriad it is your BF that has to make the change -and needs to realy want to do it. These are not ideas you can put in his head for him, they have to come from inside him.

Perhaps it might be time to step back and see exactly what your life is like now, and how it will be in the future.

May I ask if you have any support for yourself. It is a most worrying and stressful time and trying to cope in isolation is extra hard. A friend or family member to lean on may make things easier for you

I'm sorry I cant give you better news, however you deserve the truth. If you would like to come back here again that would be great

Croix

[Sophi_e]

Thank you very much for your advice Croix. 

It's heartbreaking to see him isolate himself and want more space from me whilst he is telling me I am the problem with how i've approached this and I make him feel uncomfortable. I don't know what to do...

It's hard enough to see someone you love in this cycle and even harder when they only want to isolate themselves and take every chance to avoid any type of mutual love language. Even tonight before bed I wanted to remind him what an amazing person he was and on top of that how much I loved him (to which he normally replies that he does too)... but tonight nothing, he didn't even want to look at me.

I fear I have asked too much for someone who can't seem to give a lot right now.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this, I fear that not only will I be judged for being with someone with a drug problem but he will also be judged for his problem.

Sophie

[Croix]

Dear Sophi_e~

I don't think you have asked too much, in fact I think you have been more supportive of your BF than just about anyone else would. If he cannot see you are on his side he is blind.

I have a feeling htat despite all the understanding and support you have shown he may see you as someone who wants to take his drugs away from him - and he can't afford that to happen. Sadly they are more important to him than you (I'm sorry to be blunt and say that because it will really hurt you but giving you comforting lies would not help anyone )

Anyone that judges you for loving and wanting to help the one you love even after it has been explained to them is a person not worth knowing. Please do not worry about their perceptions, they should just be ignored no matter who they are.

You need a hand of friendship now, not to be put down and disparaged.

As for you BF, he is the one with the drug problem and it is qualified help he needs, but not until he really wants to make a break and start a new life - something you may never see.

I guess you really have two choices -walk away, which knowing you with feelings of guilt, lowliness and self blame, or stay and watch him deteriorate and see what love he may has had for you crumble while feeling heartbroken and helpless..

Either way I cant 't see how you can stop his habit, he has to do that.

Croix

[Sophi_e]

Very wise words Croix.

Sadly, after many relapses he told me he wanted space from me 2 days ago and to leave the house immediately that we both live in. I tried to comfort him and show him love but he pushed me away (and his mother that he only told about his issues two days prior then called and texted me telling me I punish him and make him miserable and to get out and give him space).

I left the house but have not heard from him. He did not call time on the relationship but has not communicated any timeframe I might hear from him. I am absolutely shattered given I am the one that has tried to help him for the last 6 months. I felt increasingly distant and emotionally shut off from him which would not have helped the situation given he already felt feelings of guilt and shame.

He spoke to a helpline and registered with counsellors to seek help during the week and even 24 hours prior to me being told to go he reiterated how much I mean to him and what a special person I am to him, I am confused at how he could shut me out like this.

Do you have any advice on how I might navigate this period? I am intending on giving him the space he wants but feel gutted that there has been no communication on when to expect a call or message and his thoughts about the future of our relationship given he would like me away.

Sophi_e

[Croix]

Dear Sophie_e~

Just reading your posts it looks to me that the relationship has been pretty one-sided wiht you  supplying the love and support and now that he has told his mother it may well be he now has an alternative source of support, maybe one htat might be more forgiving and can afford to disregard you.

Sadly his mother seems to see you as some sort of opposition or bad influence - far from the truth but holding that attitude it allows her to excuse her son.

While he may have taken some steps to seek professional assistance he is not showing any understanding of what his actions are doing to you. To be told to leave under such circumstances is shattering.

You, like everyone else , deserved an equal partnership based on trust an affection. It is realy essential in any long term relationship that each partner can draw on the strenght and rely upon their  opposite.

I cannot see that as being very likley, so it is either a question of hoping against hope he and his mother will do a complete change around or else things will continue as they are. It is only natural to want things to be as they were, unfortunately people and circumstances change.

If I was trying to navigate this period I'd seek counceling so I was not operating in isolation and also resume my social life, to get an idea of the world as a whole and its opportunities. At the moment you have been focused on your BF, there is more ot life than that.

May I ask if you have somewhere to go to?

Croix