Want a separation

Dazedandconfused123 · ‎18-07-2022

I've decided I want to separation from my husband.

Recently have been seeing a counsellor myself, who's helped me realise that I am not invested in this marriage and quite frankly it's a toxic one with emotional and controlling behaviour by my husband.

I have suggested counselling a few times to him (was met with - "i don't think it's needed"), and after being brutally honest about my unhappiness 4 weeks ago and telling him to organise couples counselling to help save us, he hasn't done a thing.

I am looking to seek legal advice as we own property and have a child, and I'm trying to save money in secret, as he looks after the finances (one of the toxic behaviours I have learnt).

So, this comes to my conundrum. I need to ask for separation, but I don't know when I should.

Should I wait until I have enough money saved to move out if needed? Should I say something soon and force a counselling session (i hear this looks better for divorce/custody etc).

We have a family holiday overseas planned in 5 weeks time, should I do it before then or go on the holiday and pretend everything is ok?

Really appreciate any advice, it's not something you can easily ask friends!

Fiatlux · ‎18-07-2022

Hi,

I am so sorry that you are in this predicament.

When I wanted a separation from my husband, I was the one who had to move out, as he refused. (Yes, he was controlling, abusive and unfaithful).

I did get legal advice a year or so after separation. I was advised that I should never have moved out of the family home.

Get legal advice as soon as you can, especially if you are looking at Divorce as the final option. Legal advice generally will ask about marriage counselling.

Good luck.

ecomama · ‎18-07-2022

Hi DC123, welcome.

This is a confusing time. The decisions you'll have to make up ahead (& now!) could feel overwhelming at times.

Fiatlux has shared the Family Law (FL) advice she received re:property.
This IS what Lawyers say to do for the financial side.

I stayed "separated under one roof" & exH behaviours escalated. It was hell on wheels. Please watch for this.

You don't "ask" for separation. You state it.
But this time is dangerous. There are ways to state it without being face to face... decisions.
Also you can't "force Counselling". I think you confused the advice you were given.

Leaving before property is sold means you could lose it all.. that's a decision you'll have to gauge.

Re: "Forcing Counselling". I infer what the FL meant was booking Mediation (which is also referred to as "Family Counselling" - confusing!).
You phone Relationships Australia or call BB Helpline for others in your area.
What happens is they take your name etc, then give you an appointment date & time for you to attend ALONE.
Then, IF Mediation is deemed appropriate, they send a letter to H.

PLEASE BEFORE you do any of this, book in with 1, 2, 3 Family Law firms in your area to have the 30 minute free talk with them. This is SO important. Doing this will "conflict H out" of engaging these Lawyers.
You may not like the first Lawyer (I DIDN'T! am SO GLAD I didn't go with them!)... you can have back ups then. They won't answer your qns in the free talk but you can pay $300- $400 to have 1 hour with them.

If you decide to do this, please let us know as I have ways to make this far more financially efficient for you.

When YOU decide you've separated, register this separation with Centrelink if possible.
OR tell a friend or your GP (someone reputable preferably with 'letters after their name'). Ask them to record the DATE. There are "rules" about separation, legally speaking ie you cannot be intimate twice or it's not deemed "separation".

Overseas? IDK!

EM

madamabutterfly · ‎18-07-2022

Hi,

Look for and visit your local women's health centre. If they cannot help you, they should be able to refer you to an organisation in your area that can.

Take care,

white knight · ‎18-07-2022

Hi, welcome

I think your husband has had enough opportunities to attend counselling with you. "Forcing" him by any means would be treating him as he has treated you don't you think?.

Also, careful eating you :hear". My understanding is that to carry out divorce 12 months separation is the only requirement. You don't need to prove you've tried in your marriage.

Similar to custody, but of course the child's welfare is paramount. He has equal parenting rights nowadays and having been in a similar sharing situation I'd suggest in time you establish a friendly communication level with him to make sharing of the child stress free and flexible.

TonyWK

geoff · ‎19-07-2022

Hello, if you want to separate but not sure when you can, because you won't know when you feel you have enough money, and as he looks after the finances, how do you know whether or not he is accumulating money in another account for himself.

Going on your holiday o/s is questionable because if you want to separate, then chances are you may not enjoy as best as you want to, and to decide what to do with your child may not be agreeable, especially as he controls the money.

I know someone who was married with two children wanted to separate and then divorce, so they engaged a mentor, who could discuss making a final decision accepted by both of them, including custody of their children, being 50/50.

At the moment this is more important than your o/s holiday, you can go later on whenever you decide.

This mentor can discuss underlying issues to make a final agreement and can decide whether you want a separation or a divorce.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Dazedandconfused123 · ‎19-07-2022

Thank you. Some good tips here. Appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Dazedandconfused123 · ‎19-07-2022

Yes, I guess 'force' is the wrong word.

I guess my thinking is trying to make it look like I tried to my husband so he might be more amicable? I think he would attend counselling now that i've booked it, but i'm unsure if I'm too mentally checked out to try and work on things if he was willing.

Just typing out my thoughts I suppose... thank you for taking the time to respond.

ecomama · ‎19-07-2022

Hi D&C123

Good idea.

Family Law in most states, for certain in NSW, requires that you book into a Mediation service for "Relationship Counselling".
As I said before, it's not the same as marriage counselling or couples therapy. QUITE the many differences actually.

"Family Counselling" in Mediation is more or less mandatory with few exclusions, before you can lodge in Family Law Court or Federal Circuit Court.

You may not have to go to Court. I'm not getting that feeling atm though, due to his controlling nature over finances for one.

Some separating / divorcing couples each engage a Family Lawyer and those lawyers represent each party and are supposed to work things out between you both for Children and Property.

You can Google search so much information on the processes involved in your State or Territory.

I think you may be a long way off discussing all this yet.

Please keep us posted
EM

Dazedandconfused123 · ‎26-09-2022

Hi all,

I posted before about wanting a separation from my husband.

I've sorted legal advice and I'm ready to tell him I want to leave.

Looking for some advice on my next steps.

I am quite bad at talking about my feelings verbally, (i don't get what I want to say out correctly) so was thinking of giving him a letter to read, then we can discuss. Does this seem reasonable or is it too 'weak'?

I am willing and have the money to find a rental. I am just unsure what I should do with our 4 year old daughter. I am conscious that taking her out of the only home she's known can be upsetting for her, yet at the same time she's such a mummy's girl, she would struggle without me. I guess we can do 'nesting' until family home sells? Anyone have experience with this?

Appreciate any advice you can give.