Break up mistake?

[Clare93]

Hi all,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months. Things were amazing to begin with, moved quickly with 'i love you' at 4 weeks and being officially around the same time. Conflict started to arise pretty early on, around 6-8 weeks. He started to get upset with me for things like not going straight home when i was out with friends, said that if i cared more about our date the next day i would have gone home. Or would take offense to something i said, and i found myself apologizing for what he thought I meant. We had so many conversations about not making assumptions and asking questions, being curious as we were still getting to know each other. I'm quite an anxious person so when we'd fight or have conflict i'd want to talk about it in person or on the phone and he preferred messages. But then in the messages he'd be critical of me, and tell me I needed to slow down my responses and be less impulsive. He said my impulsivity was toxic. Things ended after another fight where he told me what i meant - he told me i belittled him when he'd misunderstood what i was saying, and told me i needed to apologize. I felt like i was losing myself and ended it. I'm now 4 weeks on and I miss him so much. We were fighting a lot, like twice a week, and it would always end up in texting back and forth and me feeling so anxious i felt sick a lot of the time. We'd said we would stop text battling but neither of us seemed to be able to stick to it. I have been able to reflect and see what I would do differently if we were to get back together. I miss all the good bits, he was so caring out of conflict, so supportive, and we had such fun. I really believed he loved me. My friends and family think he was controlling and said i was more sad than happy towards the end. I asked him if he wanted to make things work and he asked for some time and space to think about it, it's been 3 days and i haven't heard from him. I feel sick all the time, anxious to hear from him. I feel like a nightmare. I don't even know how I'd tell my family if i was going to try things with him again. But i'm worried i lost a really good man, if only we could work through our communication in conflict, like if he could be kinder and try to understand my perspective. Instead of telling me that my perspective is wrong, or i need to represent myself more accurately. I don't know what to do. Do I just wait to see what he says? How can I calm my nervous system in the meantime? Thanks xx 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Anxious, impulsive, taking offence to what you are both saying... imo you both are displaying signs of incompatibility, you are not on the same pages and your differences are vast enough to cause the split. He sounds immature and you sound too desperate (sorry, not meant to hurt) hence I'd step back and see the relationship for what it was.

If his description of your impulsivity is indeed toxic then his controlling personality is worse as his traits directly effect you. A good sign of a controlling person is their inability to reflect on their own self, to agree to at least some of the criticisms levelled at them.

I'm sorry, we are here to voice our views based on what you've told us plus many years of experience in our various fields of expertise. 

Finally, I lived with a woman that was indecisive, for 7 years I tolerated her inability to make a decision. It tore me up. I left her, then a chance meeting at shops and a 15 minute chat exposed that reason why I left her. Maybe, if you are doubtful, to arrange a face to face meeting at a cafe or such and chat away on the pretext that you are just meeting as friends. That meeting could confirm many things.

In the meantime, consider dating again for fun and see your GP for your symptoms.

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Dear Clare93, the break up was not a mistake. 

I know you're sad and anxious about this break up. You could even miss him. That's normal. 

Your family were spot on with pointing out BFs "controlling" behaviours. 
Quite often families DO see things we can't see. I'm glad they saw this and told you about it. 

More specifically, you can do some of your own research.... 

You can Google search "love bombing" which is the first manipulative behaviour noted in your first post. 

He appeared to also be "gaslighting" you with the blaming you for how HE interpreted text messages... and of course the inevitable relentless apologies from you. Please Google search this term also. 

Rest assured you didn't "lose a really good man". You were lucky to have dodged a bullet in that this relationship was of short duration compared to eg a long term marriage. 

It was "short" but these kinds of toxic (or abusive) relationships can also be deeply intense. Hence you falling so hard. 

You may benefit from searching: 
* Narcissistic abuse
* the Narcissistic discard... 

and for your own healing you can read up on "The No Contact Rule", "Gray Rock Technique" and "the 180 Strategy". SELF CARE will help calm you. Good sleep, good food, good friends, good activities. 

The MORE we learn about these toxic personality types, the further away we want to stay! 

Best wishes
EM

[livi_mivi]

Hi Clare93, 

Thank you for expressing great courage in opening up. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through it at the moment. 

It sounds as though there is a disconnect between the both of you and your expectations of one another. There also appears to be signs of controlling behaviour which is especially concerning considering that these behaviours did arise quite early on in the relationship. It's sometimes easy to reminisce about the good times that you had with this person over the hard times and think about the "what if's". I think it's important during these times to think - Will I be happy and content remaining in a relationship where I don't feel heard/understood? Do you feel you might be settling for someone that isn't 100% right for you out of fear you might not find someone better? 

In these next couple of days, don't be afraid to reach out to family and friends that you feel will listen to you and give you the the support and/or company that you need. As important as it is to not bottle these thoughts up, it's also important that you don't let them consume you. Engage with others and with the things you love. Remind yourself of your worth. 

I truly wish you all the best and encourage you to keep sharing and posting. 🤗

[Guest_1584]

Hi clare , and l'm sorry about the way things have gone.

First up though l'd just like to remind you that the texting battles weren't really your fault, remember you preferred at least via a phone but preferably in person. lt was him insisting on texting and would then start twisting actually, by the sounds of it, things you would try to say and also get critical. 

Impulsivity well , maybe you are we don't know you do you think you are but even if so it's hardly a crime , often fun. But for him to call it toxic along with his criticisms, insisting on text where he would twist and provoke , get stuck in, by the sounds of it actually - is all toxic right there in itself.

And yeah he does also sound very manipulating but sadly it was still very early days really and tbh , that would likely have gotten much worse in time too.

l think Tonywk had an idea if you need it in meeting somewhere public, coffee,and maybe some closure as you will see things in him much clearer now having had this time apart . Mind you, you'd need to try and stay objective bc he may also turn on the charm but honestly- all this and so soon in, everything going on and what it's been doing to you, sorry to say but l agree with your family.

Take care.

rx

[geoff]

Hello Claire, this may be a problem that can temporarily be fixed, however, my concern is that if this relationship develops for a much longer period, such as living together, then it may well resurface again over the smallest problem.

A couple can have plenty of love, trust, great times together but it's always the negative points and lack of understanding that will drive them apart and sometimes this love isn't strong enough to keep them together, but can still remain friends.

Geoff.

Life Member.