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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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sibel Betrayal
  • replies: 2

It has been 8 months, i am still in this marriage… i contracted chlamydia, still suffering it is a infection that just wont go way even after treatment. Explaining such a thing to family is almost impossible, when i am still in denial (maybe) after 5... View more

It has been 8 months, i am still in this marriage… i contracted chlamydia, still suffering it is a infection that just wont go way even after treatment. Explaining such a thing to family is almost impossible, when i am still in denial (maybe) after 5 years of marriage or separation anxiety or attachment. my partner unreliable and is using toxic substances. I lost my job going through all this, i was terminated from my position due to arriving late. I had a car accident, thank god no one got hurt i hit a parked car although going court for it. I am unable to find a job and have this court case pretty soon, most likely ill be loosing my licence for two years ( first accident ). Im in a dark hole not knowing what to do.

BastetBC Ive lost desire and trust with my partner after his recent manic episode due to type 1 Bipolar
  • replies: 2

I need some advice. recently my partner has been discharged from hospital after a really bad manic episode where he was verbally abusive to me and made me fearful of him. He is sorry and now says he is fully devoted to me as I looked after him whilst... View more

I need some advice. recently my partner has been discharged from hospital after a really bad manic episode where he was verbally abusive to me and made me fearful of him. He is sorry and now says he is fully devoted to me as I looked after him whilst he was in hospital and also saved his job. when he was away I actually got my act together and joined a gym and Im starting to look after my health. Upon his discharged I told him I dont want to be in a relationship with him at the moment but I still love him, I feel a bit broken from the experience. He was agreeable at first but now he says he doesnt want to break up. Im really torn, Ive lost a bit of trust and desire for him but I dont want to hurt him cause he is my best friend. Also we had plans to look at moving to Victoria and now he doesnt want to do that but I do, my sister is there and I feel suffocated in Tas. I love him but Im miserable in or out of a relationship. Ive recently been diagnosed with BPD myself and I working through that. I dont know what to do

Beaser Im feeling like im so alone. Spoke to my ex partner.
  • replies: 18

Hi and best wishes to everyone. I am feeling so alone at the moment , i spoke to my ex partner last night it was a friendly chat and we are still friends. I just feel so alone with no family to turn too and not wanting to be a burden to friends who i... View more

Hi and best wishes to everyone. I am feeling so alone at the moment , i spoke to my ex partner last night it was a friendly chat and we are still friends. I just feel so alone with no family to turn too and not wanting to be a burden to friends who i have turned too before. I just wish we could be together again and i could do things differently . I am also not working at the moment so it just gives me so much time. I know that when you look back on relationships its easy to gloss over things . She is a carer for her elderly father who has been sick and i admire who for that. I just feel so alone i wish i could turn the clock back. I also feel scared off being alone forever. I know that ringing her may not be the best but i just miss her. I have a wide group of friends at my football club but i still feel so alone lately. Im not sure about where to turn. Im sad at the moment. Beaser.

11migal11 Financial abuse?
  • replies: 2

Dating for less than one month he told me "you don't need any money, you should be dependant on me" and demanded that we have a joint bank account. I refused.Though he couldn't afford to purchase a coffee one day and had to pull a second or third cre... View more

Dating for less than one month he told me "you don't need any money, you should be dependant on me" and demanded that we have a joint bank account. I refused.Though he couldn't afford to purchase a coffee one day and had to pull a second or third credit card to fund that while constantly relaying how I was weak or pathetic economically. I warned him that quitting my job would hurt me more mentally. He was jealous of my colleagues and wanted me to leave and would brag about his high wage and belittle me about being on support.He a truck driver and demanded I attend with him while neglecting my own job.When I refused he got angry and started stalking my co-workers he then said that if I went to work the next day he would tell my boss my problems with my job and get me in a pickle.I quit that job in avoidance of further potential issues. Tried to leave him many times.From there he went on to claim he was chivalrous and will pay for everything while also abusing anyone who accepted it later on while hiding his own spending.He wouldn't buy me what I wanted, just what he wanted me to have and often force it like expensive spa's I didn't want to go to and I knew he couldn't afford. I left while pregnant. Ive paid for everything while he refused to commit to official child support for over a year and paid nothing. I forced it and he deliberately over paid it to my account so that he could use it later to hold me accountable, this is what he does.Recently he spent $6000 on solar panels when he doesn't even own a house that he was to transfer to me for care of our son (his idea) while also shouting at me its not for our son? Then he spent it on himself.

Gb72 Feeling low and overwhelmed by this mad situation
  • replies: 3

Hi about 8 weeks ago my wife left me for someone else. We had been married nearly 9 years. We were in same sex marriage. When I found out I got mad and shouted at her she then made an allegation to Police that I hit her. I’ve got an IVO hearing next ... View more

Hi about 8 weeks ago my wife left me for someone else. We had been married nearly 9 years. We were in same sex marriage. When I found out I got mad and shouted at her she then made an allegation to Police that I hit her. I’ve got an IVO hearing next week led by Police. I came to Australia from UK about 3 years ago. Her friends and family were mine but now they have turned their backs on me. I have no one apart from work colleagues and then it’s just work. My ex now wants me out of the rental we shared. Financially I’m screwed as I’ve been left in loads of debt. When I was with my ex I used to put money into her account and she would pay the bills. Anyway apart from rent she hadn’t been paying them so I’m trying to sort that out and I’m broke. At Christmas I got one card from my parents from UK. It’s my birthday next month and I’m dreading it as I can’t help thinking how lonely I am and that I’ll be alone whilst my ex will be enjoying it with her new girlfriend. I’ve tried talking to my mum but she said as I’ll be working on my birthday I will be kept busy and that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I told my Mum I’m sleeping about 3 hours a night and she responded well at least your getting some sleep. Because of IVO thing I can’t contact my ex as I really want to know what is happening and why? Especially over the bills. My ex has messaged my sister in UK saying they need to get me back as I’m mentally I’ll and that I’m going to be deported. I work come home cry repeat. I just sob at how things have gone wrong and I feel overwhelmed. I know that if I died I wouldn’t be missed for probably 4-5 days. I’m trying hard not to let the darkness overtake me.

KA2007 I hate my dad
  • replies: 5

When I was younger, he used to hit me whenever I misbehaved. And I was quiet chubby when I was little so he would call me fat every day and even now when my body is a whole lot different I cry myself to sleep every day about my body. When I was young... View more

When I was younger, he used to hit me whenever I misbehaved. And I was quiet chubby when I was little so he would call me fat every day and even now when my body is a whole lot different I cry myself to sleep every day about my body. When I was younger, he and my mum had a fight about how there was too much food in the fridge. He grabbed food from inside the fridge and smashed it everywhere. He grabbed a book and smashed our tv. Now, that I'm older he doesn't hit me anymore. But every little thing I do he shames me for it. Whenever I try helping around the house he tells me that I'm not doing it properly and he calls me lazy and stupid and he says I lack common sense or knowledge. He says I'm dumb and that I'll never make it in the real world. He has this mindset that he's never wrong and that he's on top. That he's the most best person in the world and that he can make no mistakes. For the past year he and my mum have been fighting a lot. I was at a family gathering one day and I was sitting in a room with my cousin, my aunt, and my mum. My mum started crying saying that he told her he hates her and my aunt was comforting her. She told my aunt that he doesn't care for her anymore, forgets her birthday and their anniversary and he only expects her to cook and clean. I cried on the way home that night. For many months she was distant and when my dad left for a business trip I heard her crying in her room every night. Its not like my mum could leave him. My parents both Immigrated to Australia in 2005. She didn't have a job so she had to depend on my dad for work. And she still has to. If she left him she wouldn't have anything left because she can't work and we would all fall under my dads custody and she would have no one. I don't talk to him and he doesn't talk to me. Our relationship is non existent. That was until a few weeks ago when all of a sudden my parents weren't fighting anymore. They started watching tv shows together and they started cuddling up in bed and acting like nothing happened. Time and time again when things go wrong for him he blames my mum and its so clearly obvious that he's manipulating her. I don't even sit in the living room anymore. I can't stand him. And now he's claiming that he loves me and that he wants the best for me. Then where was he when I was younger? I recall him laying on the couch watching tv and beating me up when I misbehaved like any other child would.

lilykitten Cutting off a toxic Ex after divorce
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This may go against popular opinion but I'd be interested in your thoughts. You see I was the toxic person who was cut out. The separation wasn't totally unexpected but his reactions were. I don't know if it was his friends or his lawyer but from the... View more

This may go against popular opinion but I'd be interested in your thoughts. You see I was the toxic person who was cut out. The separation wasn't totally unexpected but his reactions were. I don't know if it was his friends or his lawyer but from the time financial settlement became a court matter my partner of 17 years refused to speak to me. I had so many questions about why he had left, was he alright, did he have somewhere to live, how could he support his kids and keep a relationship with them. Then why didn't he organise custody, why didn't he take them out, why didn't he ask about their medical appointments? Everything was so out of character for him. I became the toxic person, asking mutual friends, stalking him on facebook, finding out where he lived. Perhaps the fact I never found out if he was working had more to do with him avoiding child support but I understand I crossed the line in the grief of losing a long term friend and a history of reminiscing about family holidays and our children's milestones.The fact is being sent to Coventry was cruel. He doesnt want to know me and couldnt care less how I am or what I am doing. It hurts so much!The reason I am posting this now is that the kids do not know him anymore. They don't know what he would like for Christmas. They don't know his interests. He visits them each week, sometimes he leaves early, sometimes he spends a lot of time on the phone but when they ask why he says its none of their business. He is losing them in his efforts to wipe me from his life.What do you think?

AnotherRandomUser Lack of empathy from sibling
  • replies: 13

My sister never seems to care about my feelings or well-being. I'm not sure if its intentional or if perhaps she has a genuine problem showing empathy. She messages me about her life, feelings, and well-being and I show active interest in her life.Bu... View more

My sister never seems to care about my feelings or well-being. I'm not sure if its intentional or if perhaps she has a genuine problem showing empathy. She messages me about her life, feelings, and well-being and I show active interest in her life.But then she never asks me about my life other than the typical "how are you?" and "what have you been doing?" but even then never responds to my answers.There's no "Im sorry youve been sick, I hope your doing okay" Or "Im glad you and your friends had fun" Or "Ive missed you lately, I hope your good." There's no emotion, and no follow up questions.I either get "okay," no response, or she'll just keep talking about herself.There is never ever any mention of her feeling anything towards me, or having any interest in my life.I've tried telling her how I feel about this but she doesn't understand at all. She just says she does care and she shouldn't have to prove it. Ive tried to tell her that she does have to prove it because my feelings matter, and how am I supposed to know she cares if she never tells me.She will then say she'll consider my feelings more in future, but nothing changes.I dont know what to do at this point. I tried asking her to get therapy, hoping maybe a therapist could explain it to her. But she refuses.And I still dont know if its intentional or not. Like maybe she really doesn't care about me, and I'm trying to salvage a friendship that doesn't exist!?I feel hurt though, I feel like if I disappeared tomorrow she wouldn't even notice. She thinks so little of me its like I don't even exist sometimes. Even when I've ended up in hospital; she doesn't call me, she doesn't worry about me, she doesnt react at all. When I ask her why she says "I was busy" or "I forgot." Theres literally no emotion, and she doesnt seem to get why it matters.Should I give up? I love my sister, but I often wonder if she cares about me at all.

white knight When to cut ties with family
  • replies: 6

Yet again this xmas just passed I've endured toxic family behaviour which halved our xmas numbers as the family imploded. At 66yo it's not new to me. A family of which most have a mental health issue of sorts but even so patience wears thin over time... View more

Yet again this xmas just passed I've endured toxic family behaviour which halved our xmas numbers as the family imploded. At 66yo it's not new to me. A family of which most have a mental health issue of sorts but even so patience wears thin over time. In my case narcissistic tendencies, triangulation, emotional blackmail and other horrible personality disorders make maintaining any stability near impossible. Even my wedding was ruined. So cutting ties, when and how do you go about it? If you suffer any kind of guilt excess than normal that would make it hard to move on- you should IMO give every opportunity for some members to redeem themselves. Such opportunities are fair and kind to the younger adults that have got caught up, or in my case have fallen victim to become "flying monkeys" (google) which are people that follow blindly their narcissistic leader into battle. Before you know it you are in conflict with 2,3,4 or more people and the person you had an issue with is sitting back winding up his/her puppet strings. Most psychs say there is no cure for narcissism! What is terrible is that some of these situations result in losing several family members when, had one of the 2 initial members in conflict had rang the other and tried to sort it, it could have been contained. Certainly in a situation with a narc and some others, no contact is best. Communication will result in twisting your words. Silence can be seen and used as a weapon also, so be sure you aren't using it as leverage but to protect your mental well being. Dont forget you have rights- embrace them. Going NC could mean losing grandchildren, children, parents and so on. So remember one thing- ... as hard as the grief will be life eventually sorts itself out especially when you find stable empathetic and wonderful people to share it with. And that young boy down the road that doesnt fit in at the footy field just might enjoy your train set or Billy cart you make for him. The heart can go on and on... TonyWK

white knight Emotional blackmail- surviving it
  • replies: 32

For me and many others that are subjected to emotional blackmail, it can have lasting lifetime effects. What is emotional blackmail? In my experience emotional blackmail develops in a person that, for whatever reason, believes their conventional meth... View more

For me and many others that are subjected to emotional blackmail, it can have lasting lifetime effects. What is emotional blackmail? In my experience emotional blackmail develops in a person that, for whatever reason, believes their conventional methods of accomplishing control, no longer work. They think of other techniques in a desperate attempt to maintain their status rather that using other tools like love and persuasion. EM can also develop when a parents children turn to adults, an era when a parent often loses the control they once had over their child. The parents lack of control is unacceptable to them and unless they do accept their child as having the ability to make adult decisions, it becomes a downward spiral that wont recover. The parents demands become louder and their techniques more desperate. Sometimes the child/adult child is unaware of such unacceptable conduct like emotional blackmail being used. I was 27yo before it hit me between the eyes. I was educated at a GROW meeting and a chapter was dedicated to the topic in one of their booklets. From then on I had a fight on my hands with my mother as the EB continued. I had a girlfriend at the time that my mother didnt like "if you dont split up from her I'm going to pack my bags and go visit my cousin for 2 weeks"... my answer "I'll help you pack". Sounds nasty but you need to equalise the injustice/car for yourself. The people that use EB are desperate souls so it isnt limited to that technique to get you to do what they want you to do. Triangulation is another hurtful form of manipulation. Have a fall out with the parent, parent rings your sibling to get them on side, you then have a serious fall out with your sibling. It's all about power and power over an individual isnt freedom. It isnt developing strong relationships. Sadly you have few options. In fact my sister and I stopped all contact with our mother 11 years ago. She is now 90yo and no children in her life nor 3 grandchildren as they were treated similar (not from our influence or that would make us as guilty). I'm convinced there is mental illness at play however strong denial means nothing can be done to save the situation. Refusal to get treatment by a perpetrator means they also often deny themselves of family and friends and, sadly, thats a choice they make for their own lives. Those with EB can be tyrants. The victims can be scarred for life. Make the best out of a bad situation and seek peace. TonyWK