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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Empathy, the lost art
  • replies: 6

A good percentage of people with mental health conditions have a minimum of expectations from loved ones or workmates with understanding. This is a trap because when we need empathy and don't get it we feel rejection and that adds to our woesHumans v... View more

A good percentage of people with mental health conditions have a minimum of expectations from loved ones or workmates with understanding. This is a trap because when we need empathy and don't get it we feel rejection and that adds to our woesHumans vary so much. Some don't have communication skills, punctuality, work ethics, reasonable morals, restraint, humour and so on. With those deficiencies we think "that's them, it isn't in them". But when we don't get empathy we struggle to accept that quality lacking. Why? They can't SEE the illnessThey have no mental illness knowledge They have low emotionthey are protecting themselves from emotional discussionsOther reasonsWe have options- Respect their lack of capacities Discuss issues with those that can relate and/or that treatLack of display of empathy doesn't mean they have no heartGive empathy for those that cannot offer it, for its an art lost TonyWK

jt123 Transition- separated to divorce
  • replies: 2

Hey team, I want to thank this forum for giving me an opportunity to reach out. Well he it goes. Together 13 years, married 7, children 4 and 6. Our relationship was very strong before children. We were a great team prior to children. Our oldest chil... View more

Hey team, I want to thank this forum for giving me an opportunity to reach out. Well he it goes. Together 13 years, married 7, children 4 and 6. Our relationship was very strong before children. We were a great team prior to children. Our oldest child is does struggle with regulating her emotions. This has been difficult with two different parenting styles. appox 8 months ago she said to me that she wanted a break/ trial separation. This hit me for a six, don’t get me wrong things had been difficult in our relation ship prior to this but much of an eb and flow concept. I didn’t think this would happen( after everything I have read most men don’t). I fell into a unknown hole. I didn’t sleep for the first 3 days and was required to seek medical aid to sleep. We agreed to live 1 week on and 1 week off with the children not leaving the house. This went on for 6 months. During this time admittedly I did marriage courses, psychotherapy, psychology, and hypno therapy. I was determined to keep my family together. During the 6 months she lived as a single women. We did marriage counselling where only one party was really invested. I look back now and see that she was gone at the begging of the trial separation. About two months ago she said she wanted out. It was almost relief as I had spent the last six months almost unable to function. I was single parenting and holding a new job. I look back at this and belief I am a lot stronger than I first thought. my biggest struggle now is moving towards the divorce, negative thought of her with new men which is inevitable. She is now a single and free to do as she pleases. But it still hurts. Also the realisation that the communication is also changed between us. No more sharing cute things about the kids or funny jokes. Any advice on moving forward in a positive manner would really be beneficial. And if you have read this and taken the time to respond I thank you!

LLC Starting again after 30
  • replies: 5

Hello, My partner (30, F) and I (31, M) recently separated after almost 6 years together. The relationship was difficult for both of us, particularly within the last 18 months, due to our respective mental health issues. I have suffered most of my li... View more

Hello, My partner (30, F) and I (31, M) recently separated after almost 6 years together. The relationship was difficult for both of us, particularly within the last 18 months, due to our respective mental health issues. I have suffered most of my life from anxiety and depression, while she has lived with a more complex condition involving trauma, eating disorders and self harm. I’m feeling pretty devastated at the moment, and have been struggling to cope day to day despite having the support of my family. I also have an appointment booked with my psychologist next week, though that feels unbearably far away at the moment. On some level, I recognise that the pain, sadness and fear I’m feeling will likely dull with the passing of time — this has been the case with previous relationships that have ended — but this time around, I’m struggling to know where or how to find that hope of starting again. I’m over 30, yet no more secure financially or professionally than I was when the relationship began. I feel as if my peers have either moved on or settled down to start families, while I’m effectively back to square one. And I have this overwhelming sense of failure, as though the relationship was one of the few things that made me a proper, functioning adult. Is my life at a dead end? Am I too old to be trying to get my life back on track? Will I ever have the chance of having another relationship? Perhaps those are silly or unhelpful questions, or there isn’t enough information about my circumstances to answer them properly. But they are in my head a lot at the moment, and I feel desperate for some sense of hope or perspective. which reading these forums has given me in the past. Thanks, L.

Jupiterme How to let go and have an amicable separation.
  • replies: 1

Dear All,I hope you are all well.I am currently going through a separation with wife of 22 years (2 children aged 10 and 12) and feeling depressed, scared and at a loss.I can understand and accept the basis for the separation but unfortunately I am s... View more

Dear All,I hope you are all well.I am currently going through a separation with wife of 22 years (2 children aged 10 and 12) and feeling depressed, scared and at a loss.I can understand and accept the basis for the separation but unfortunately I am struggling to reconcile with the way in which the ex-wife brought things to an end.Despite there being no easy way, she did it in a way that was very cruel.How does one reconcile the significant impact on their emotions with the expectation that one must relinquish any ill-feelings almost at the same time or not long after upon entering formal separation proceedings ?I understand the need to let go for our children and having an amicable divorce but how do you realistically and practically do this ?With little time to process your emotions and compounded by demands from lawyers and the rest of life's responsibilities, how do you find an emotional pathway to navigate your way through an amicable, fair and reasonable separation/divorce ?To avoid potential conflict I am feeling myself withdraw from the separation process. I don’t like feeling this way and any thoughts or advice would be most welcome.JupiterMe

Dazedandconfused123 Want a separation
  • replies: 12

I've decided I want to separation from my husband. Recently have been seeing a counsellor myself, who's helped me realise that I am not invested in this marriage and quite frankly it's a toxic one with emotional and controlling behaviour by my husban... View more

I've decided I want to separation from my husband. Recently have been seeing a counsellor myself, who's helped me realise that I am not invested in this marriage and quite frankly it's a toxic one with emotional and controlling behaviour by my husband. I have suggested counselling a few times to him (was met with - "i don't think it's needed"), and after being brutally honest about my unhappiness 4 weeks ago and telling him to organise couples counselling to help save us, he hasn't done a thing. I am looking to seek legal advice as we own property and have a child, and I'm trying to save money in secret, as he looks after the finances (one of the toxic behaviours I have learnt). So, this comes to my conundrum. I need to ask for separation, but I don't know when I should. Should I wait until I have enough money saved to move out if needed? Should I say something soon and force a counselling session (i hear this looks better for divorce/custody etc). We have a family holiday overseas planned in 5 weeks time, should I do it before then or go on the holiday and pretend everything is ok? Really appreciate any advice, it's not something you can easily ask friends!

Clare93 Break up mistake?
  • replies: 5

Hi all,I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months. Things were amazing to begin with, moved quickly with 'i love you' at 4 weeks and being officially around the same time. Conflict started to arise pretty early on, around 6-8 weeks. He started... View more

Hi all,I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months. Things were amazing to begin with, moved quickly with 'i love you' at 4 weeks and being officially around the same time. Conflict started to arise pretty early on, around 6-8 weeks. He started to get upset with me for things like not going straight home when i was out with friends, said that if i cared more about our date the next day i would have gone home. Or would take offense to something i said, and i found myself apologizing for what he thought I meant. We had so many conversations about not making assumptions and asking questions, being curious as we were still getting to know each other. I'm quite an anxious person so when we'd fight or have conflict i'd want to talk about it in person or on the phone and he preferred messages. But then in the messages he'd be critical of me, and tell me I needed to slow down my responses and be less impulsive. He said my impulsivity was toxic. Things ended after another fight where he told me what i meant - he told me i belittled him when he'd misunderstood what i was saying, and told me i needed to apologize. I felt like i was losing myself and ended it. I'm now 4 weeks on and I miss him so much. We were fighting a lot, like twice a week, and it would always end up in texting back and forth and me feeling so anxious i felt sick a lot of the time. We'd said we would stop text battling but neither of us seemed to be able to stick to it. I have been able to reflect and see what I would do differently if we were to get back together. I miss all the good bits, he was so caring out of conflict, so supportive, and we had such fun. I really believed he loved me. My friends and family think he was controlling and said i was more sad than happy towards the end. I asked him if he wanted to make things work and he asked for some time and space to think about it, it's been 3 days and i haven't heard from him. I feel sick all the time, anxious to hear from him. I feel like a nightmare. I don't even know how I'd tell my family if i was going to try things with him again. But i'm worried i lost a really good man, if only we could work through our communication in conflict, like if he could be kinder and try to understand my perspective. Instead of telling me that my perspective is wrong, or i need to represent myself more accurately. I don't know what to do. Do I just wait to see what he says? How can I calm my nervous system in the meantime? Thanks xx

Elizabeth Louise Feeling sad, alone & unloved
  • replies: 11

I'm not having a good day or a good week. My husband is distant and cold with me again. I have noticed it really affects me when he's so withdrawn. I think he keeps scores as he's so focused on my mistakes or things that go wrong and never really loo... View more

I'm not having a good day or a good week. My husband is distant and cold with me again. I have noticed it really affects me when he's so withdrawn. I think he keeps scores as he's so focused on my mistakes or things that go wrong and never really looks at the positive. When I think of last weekend I think about all the good things and good moments and I forgot about what made me sad or stressed. But for him, he recalls all the negative and tends to just blame me for everything. I know I could have made better choices or decisions to avoid stress but sometimes things go wrong outside of my control. I just feel like he doesn't undersnd my perspective and just wants to hold grudges for events that occurred weeks ago because he just can't let things go, forgive and forget and move forward or focus on the positive. I really feel like he's keeping score of anything that I do that he doesn't like.He's really distant and sleeping in the other bedroom again which visually tells me he is mad with me. How do I deal with this negative behaviour without letting it affect me so much?EL

Lyssaa Confused and upset by a guy
  • replies: 2

Hey everyone,Nearly two months ago I started speaking to this guy at uni. Me and him got along really well, with similar interests and a sense of humour, and he told me a few times I had beautiful eyes or that I was very pretty. After about three wee... View more

Hey everyone,Nearly two months ago I started speaking to this guy at uni. Me and him got along really well, with similar interests and a sense of humour, and he told me a few times I had beautiful eyes or that I was very pretty. After about three weeks of hanging out in our classes at uni, I suggested to him we should hang out and he suggested we do baking together, so he came over to my house to bake. We had a good time, I confessed that I liked him and he said he also liked me and he kissed me multiple times. For the next few weeks whenever we saw each other at uni, he would always kiss me goodbye, we would have a great time chatting, and he would put his arm around me or lean into me or touch my arm. Very obvious signs that someone likes you. However last week, I started to feel really anxious for no reason, and I didn’t know why. Then I realised it was because since he’d said he liked me, nothing had gone any further than that and aside from him showing obvious signs he was into me, he hadn’t said anything about it. So the other night I flicked him a quick message asking for some clarity on how he saw the two of us and saw us progressing. His response was that he’s emotionally confused and while I’m awesome, incredibly petty and incredibly smart he thinks he just sees me as a friend, but he loves seeing me and talking to me at uni and playing games with me on iMessages and he doesn’t wanna lose that and hopes we can be friends. I’m really upset about the whole situation- he said he liked me and acted like he was into me (the physical contact, the kissing, the body language and eye contact, the constant talking around me) but then when I bring it up he says he’s emotionally confused and just sees me as a friend but doesn’t wanna lose hanging around with me?? When I then told him I was confused because he said he liked me and kissed me, he just said that yeah he was emotionally confused and was sorry for confusing me. obviously I was, and still am confused. My friends all think he was into me, just scared of any kind of commitment, and I’m mad because I know if I didn’t bring it up with him he probably would have kept kissing me and acting into me without saying anything. Do I have every right to be mad at him and angry and upset, or should I cut him slack?

mummato3 Marriage struggles after baby 3
  • replies: 1

Hey all can anyone else relate baby 3 has arrived and our marriage has turned to a dark place, pregnancy and post partum is always tough on us I feel I’m not appreciated enough but my husband doesn’t want to give me more emotional support as I don’t ... View more

Hey all can anyone else relate baby 3 has arrived and our marriage has turned to a dark place, pregnancy and post partum is always tough on us I feel I’m not appreciated enough but my husband doesn’t want to give me more emotional support as I don’t think he knows how. He works alot I handle the home and the kids 80% of the time all blown up in front of the kids on the weekend, saying he has alot of anger towards me, the last year has been the worst he says. being pregnant and postpartum never is going to ignite an amazing sex life but it’s more than that there is no communication, just anger . i feel lost I want my kids to grow up happy and loved and this is heading towards a dark toxic place but I also think we deserve to be happy if we no longer make each other happy then maybe we should go our separate ways… i have PPA this time and am finding it hard I want to just escape with the newborn to a holiday for a week embrace it knowing it’s my last. I feel I should be allowed to focus on the newborn bubble not be pressured by marriage problems we can deal with that soon I pride myself on being caring and giving person always , my husband is the only person who tells me constantly it’s all about me ( which I don’t get as I do everything for our kids always and first ) it’s hard to here we have councelling booked, but I just feel if he’s got anger pent up unless he wants to learn to release it it’s never going to get better. just hoping I have other mums or dads who have gone through these tough times in the relationship I grew up with a house of love my parents were madly in love 40 years on i jusg don’t think marriage should be this hard a constant battle

BookNerd77 Is this the silent treatment, time out or something else? What do I do?
  • replies: 4

My wife and I have had some relationship and communicate issues that have come to a head over the last 6 weeks. She has said she needs some time to herself to reflect on her journey but she is committed the relationship and trying to make it work. In... View more

My wife and I have had some relationship and communicate issues that have come to a head over the last 6 weeks. She has said she needs some time to herself to reflect on her journey but she is committed the relationship and trying to make it work. In the last 4 weeks she’s been home for only 4 nights and has been travelling and staying in various places after she stopped working in July. We are not going to be in the same place again until mid-October. She has been explicit that she wants to control if/when we communicate - she sends me a basic “hi, have a good day” sms each morning with a photo of where she is. But that’s it. We haven’t spoken at all about what comes next or seeing a counsellor (which we clearly need), in fact we have spoken for 8 days, since she was home last time. I’m too scared to ring her because I’m worried it will make things worse by “breaching her boundary”. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo, with no pathway forward either together or apart, and I feel like I’m inconsequential in the relationship. She wants me to trust that she is committed to making our relationship work but I have seen no actions from her to support that. I have connected with some psychologists to explore booking in couples counselling or an intensive couples retreat but I don’t know how to talk to my partner about this without it becoming a issue. But I don’t think that not communicating is a healthy way of addressing our communication and relationship issues.