Cutting off a toxic Ex after divorce

[lilykitten]

This may go against popular opinion but I'd be interested in your thoughts. You see I was the toxic person who was cut out. The separation wasn't totally unexpected but his reactions were. I don't know if it was his friends or his lawyer but from the time financial settlement became a court matter my partner of 17 years refused to speak to me. I had so many questions about why he had left, was he alright, did he have somewhere to live, how could he support his kids and keep a relationship with them. Then why didn't he organise custody, why didn't he take them out, why didn't he ask about their medical appointments? Everything was so out of character for him. I became the toxic person, asking mutual friends, stalking him on facebook, finding out where he lived. Perhaps the fact I never found out if he was working had more to do with him avoiding child support but I understand I crossed the line in the grief of losing a long term friend and a history of reminiscing about family holidays and our children's milestones.

The fact is being sent to Coventry was cruel. He doesnt want to know me and couldnt care less how I am or what I am doing. It hurts so much!

The reason I am posting this now is that the kids do not know him anymore. They don't know what he would like for Christmas. They don't know his interests. He visits them each week, sometimes he leaves early, sometimes he spends a lot of time on the phone but when they ask why he says its none of their business. He is losing them in his efforts to wipe me from his life.

What do you think?

[Juliet_84]

Hi lilykitten,

I kind of understand where your ex-partner is coming from in this situation. Sometimes one of the partner’s in the separation (usually the one who is being left) has a lot of questions and wants to get into great detail about the reasons the partner has left etc. but the reality is that this has usually been discussed at length in the final stages of the relationship and has never been resolved or ended in arguments etc and by the time that the separation happens they need to draw a line in the sand for their own emotional well-being. The continual communication can also be a tool used to keep the person engaged emotionally in the relationship. Technically the only questions that relate to you any more are

 whether he can support his kids (can be handled through the courts) and keep a relationship with them (at the end of the day that’s up to him). You mention that the divorce wasn’t a shock, so you mind sharing the reasons around why you both divorced so that we may understand your respective positions a bit more? The reality is that a divorce is one of the worst things you’ll ever go through. I don’t think that the lack of communication was a deliberately cruel act (although I completely understand how it would be after being together for so long) but rather an attach to detach himself emotionally from the situation so he could cope the best way he knows how. Constant communication during the divorce process has a tendency to degenerate into fights and nastiness and he was likely hoping for a clean break. I hope you don’t feel as though I’m taking sides, I am merely hoping to present an alternate view as sometimes there’s no right or wrong way to separate when emotions are high. I’ve been accused of being cold when trying to limit the hurt of contact or go over questions that will never be answered satisfactorily or of leading the person on when I maintain some level of contact. There is almost always a huge amount of grief and anger from both sides. 

[lilykitten]

I did want to stay friends, I just objected to financially supporting him all the time. I was hoping and he promised to co-parent. I was so burnt out from a difficult workplace environment and needed a break. Although I still loved him I thought the separation would make us both happier rather than just me being abandoned.