Ive lost desire and trust with my partner after his recent manic episode due to type 1 Bipolar

[BastetBC]

I need some advice.

recently my partner has been discharged from hospital after a really bad manic episode where he was verbally abusive to me and made me fearful of him. He is sorry and now says he is fully devoted to me as I looked after him whilst he was in hospital and also saved his job.

when he was away I actually got my act together and joined a gym and Im starting to look after my health. Upon his discharged I told him I dont want to be in a relationship with him at the moment but I still love him, I feel a bit broken from the experience. He was agreeable at first but now he says he doesnt want to break up. Im really torn, Ive lost a bit of trust and desire for him but I dont want to hurt him cause he is my best friend. Also we had plans to look at moving to Victoria and now he doesnt want to do that but I do, my sister is there and I feel suffocated in Tas.

I love him but Im miserable in or out of a relationship.

Ive recently been diagnosed with BPD myself and I working through that.

I dont know what to do

[Croix]

Dear BastetBC~

Welcome here ot the Forum, when one is unsure seeing how other people feel or have coped is a wise move. Your reactions are very understandable and I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's hard to know what to do as you are both scared and love your partner and want hte best for him.

I guess I can only say what I need in a relationship - which is nothing out of the ordinary - and see where that leads.

It has to be an equal partnership wiht neither party doing all the heavy lifting. If one person is weak in one area they make up for it in another. For example I can't lift heavy weights, my partner has to, so I try to make up for it with her in other ways. One cannot for example be just a carer.

I have to trust my partner - and they have to trust me. That not only means financially but physically too. They are the one you cherish and you expect them to cherish you. They cannot be someone that one is frightened of. It sours the whole deal as you remain on tenterhooks all your life, and they would probably feel guilty and/or not as close as they need. I'd not think it is any kindness to prolong matters out of concern unless there is a hope of getting close again.

That being the case what's left? Is there any way you could trust you partner again?

This might not be impossible. Bipolar can be treated, and while I do not know the efficacy in your partner's case it might well be worth having a consultation with the doctor treating your partner to see what is likely to happen.

It may be that provided treatment continues permanently matters may be predictable and not threatening.

I'm afraid to say once you have gathered as many facts as you can it is a judgment call.

May I ask if there is anyone in your life you can talk matters over with, who will listen and care? It does make a difference not handling the matter alone.

We are here to talk wiht you anytime

Croix

[sbella02]

BastetBC,

Thank you for opening up to us with your story, we appreciate you reaching out. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, relationships can be difficult to navigate in general, let alone when compounded by the challenge of mental health struggles. Croix has given some excellent advice, and I'm here to extend this with my own.

I was in a long-term relationship that ended at the beginning of the year, and while I cannot necessarily give advice on managing relationships with people experiencing manic states, I believe I can offer some advice on boundary-setting and recognising your own needs in a relationship.

I would like to address the first part of what you have said here. It is important that you've recognised how your partner's behaviour in his manic state has affected you. It is also important to consider whether this behaviour is deal-breaking for you. While mental health struggles can explain outbursts like this, being in a low mental state does not excuse verbally abusive behaviour. You deserve to be treated with respect, and you also deserve to be able to trust and be trusted by your partner. Would you feel comfortable opening up a conversation with your partner about how their behaviour has impacted you, if you haven't already? This may be a useful step for asserting your own boundaries and helping him understand what you need and how you expect him to treat you.

I would also ask yourself what your needs are in a relationship, and whether you feel that they're being fulfilled in your current one. If this is somebody you plan to spend a long time with, would you feel comfortable supporting them through repeated episodes if there is a prospect of verbal abuse? 

Of course, this is a very personal decision that can be dependent on a range of specific factors, and you have far greater insight into your relationship and needs than I do.

If you would feel comfortable talking to your GP, therapist, or psychologist about your experiences with your partner, they may also be able to offer some professional advice to help you through. 

I'm wishing you all the very best, and would like you to know that we're here to support you if you need to chat some more.

Take care, SB