Ok here goes. I have 2 kids, 4 & 18 months. Youngest to my current partner who I've been with for nearly 3 years. He is a good dad and i know he loves me.
Our relationship has been difficult from the start. I had known him a week when he told me he uses marijuana regularly. I told him i could not be in a serious relationship with someone who does drugs.
He told me he would give up weed, cigarettes and alcohol for the chance to be with me. I told him it was NOT a good idea as he could become resentful. He gave it up but very soon became angry towards me. He'd call me names, scream horrible words to me and everything was my fault.
I moved in with him and got pregnant - both which i did just to make him happy. On both occasions i tried to come to an agreement to wait a while, but he got emotional and made me feel like a bad person for saying no. My own fault- i was weak.
I Seriously considered abortion and leaving for good but couldn't do it, so i made the decision to try make it work.
Throughout my pregnancy and the first 6 months of our babies life, my partner would go out a few nights a week, never telling me until long after i was expecting him. Some times he wouldn't be home till the next day. I had a 3 year old and a newborn- i needed a hand and i wanted a bit of routine. I told him he could go out on tues, fri and sat nights and not even have to text me. But he couldn't keep to that for even a few days. He was also using cocaine.
I moved out to a friend's rental when bub was 6 months. Thats when he "woke up" and started to become the man i needed him to be. I saw small changes and when he asked me to move back in with him (so his parents-who were soon coming to visit from interstate- didnt have to know / stress about our break up) i did. But i made him promise me 3 things first. No cocaine. He must tell me somewhat in advance if he's not coming home. And we agreed he could smoke weed at home but only a couple times a week and after kids go to sleep.
He broke all promises and still continues to smoke weed multiple times a day. He has smoked in front of the kids and driven with the kids right after smoking.
He is a good dad, He provides for us. But I've lost trust in him. He has disrespected me too much. Broken promises. When i try to talk to him about it, he groans and walks away. Nothing ever gets resolved.
I love him. But now im resentful.. towards him but more towards myself as i shouldn't have let it all happen.
I need general advice please.
I believe what you’re seeking advice for what lies in what you’ve written, you say you don’t want to be in a serious relationship with someone who does drugs, yet you are... have you asked yourself what do you want? What makes you happy in this relationship? What are your values? We all want to be loved, at what expense though?
I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in. It sounds like, even if he is providing money for you both, he's not being a father or a partner.
You've said he's a good dad, but frankly a good dad doesn't smoke in front of the kids, doesn't do drugs before driving with the kids...is generally present with the kids. Not just around smoking weed, but actually present.
Like Over and Over said, I think you know what you want to do but you're afraid. You've been pressured so many times into doing things that you didn't want. You sound very dissatisfied with the situation you and your children are in.
I am very glad you've come here to talk to us. Have you spoken to anyone else about this? It is important that you feel supported by people other than your partner because it is very hard to get away from a situation we don't like if we're exhausted having to cope with everything on our own.
Thank you both for replying.
Yes i think i do know i want to leave this relationship but more than that i hope my partner will stop using drugs and become reliable. Because yes im scared to leave. I did it once before and it is a hard thing to do on my own with 2 little ones and no income. More than that im scared of how he will react. I know from the past that it will be ugly. I will be yelled at and he will say horrible things to make me feel guilty and worthless. He will threaten me with lawyers etc. He might take our child somewhere and not tell me when he might bring him back. This is just how he is when things dont go his way. And im very scared of this.
Also very scared of how i will co-parent knowing my partner will continue smoking weed while caring for our son. I wont be there to drive them around etc.
I dont have support as unfortunately my depression in this relationship cost me my only friend. I do have parents nearby but our relationship isnt one where i could go for emotional help.
I spoke to my doctor about this some months ago and his advice was to leave my partner.
My self esteem and confidence is pretty low at the moment. I wonder if im just being silly. After all we do have a roof over our heads.
Thanks again for the replies. It means a lot to me.
Good on you for saying that you're scared to leave. It's always hard to admit fear, but fear does rule a lot of aspects of our lives.
I understand that you are afraid of a lot of these things happening, and being isolated from a support network perspective can make that even harder.
I don't mean to be intrusive but perhaps this is a good place to try and rebuild that relationship with your parents, or even with your previous friend. People are often a lot more caring and forgiving than we give them credit for. Acceptance of past mistakes can change a person's perspective pretty quickly.
You said you wonder if you're being silly.
My mother used to worry a lot and was always scared of my father killing me and my sister. I know he wouldn't, but she was afraid of it.
What would you say to my mother? Stay because you're being silly with your thoughts? Or trust your feelings - there's something wrong with the relationship, even if it's not what you think?
Have the two of you considered couples counselling? It sounds like he wouldn't take well to this, but it is just a thought. Otherwise, I think it is really important that you reach out to your old friends, your parents and even your doctor. You need people around you who are not him.