Mumma having a hard time dealing

[Hope_for_better]

Hello

I feel stupid writing on this page but just need to vent I’m loosing my mind and who I am as a person.

Some days I just feel I can’t cope with my childrens constant fighting, bickering and mess that they leave.

It hurts me that when I try to explain to them how sad it makes me it goes in one ear and out the other.

My husband has worked away in the mines for the last 10 years so for that time I have done most of this parenting gig on my own. It’s hard being the one who does all the disciplining and then he comes home and is their best friend because they have all missed each other. I don’t blame him or resent him for that he works very hard to provide for our family. I do however resent him for not understanding how I feel and how badly these things are effecting me. He just thinks I’m going on my little rant again.

Some days I just want to pack my bags and leave.. my only heart pull is how much I actually love them.

Im tired of being the sad angry yelling mother that I have become I want my boys to be able look back when they are older and have memories of a nice mum one that didn’t yell and cry when thing got to hard.

I know that I am the only one that can change my thought process and make the change i just don’t know how when I feel this way.

[Croix]

Dear Hope for better~

It's not stupid at all, and I'd feel the same way too. I know kids are not always amenable to reason and you can explain away till you are blue in the face - then they will go right back to what they'd been doing, if not straight away then later. I guess that's kids.

I'm not going to get into how to steer kids towards the things they should do, I'm sure you have plenty of experience and methods that work. What I think is fundamentally wrong is for one partner to dispense only sugar, and the other the meat and veg.

Really things do need to be evened out. The fact your partner works away and is pleased to see the kids - and they him - is lovely, but it is not an excuse for failing to back you up and take responsibility for the less glamorous parts of parenting too.

I know you said you have tried to explain, and simply had it dismissed as you ranting. I'd imagine the longer that goes on the more your feelings of frustration and resentment will build - as well as feeling undervalued and not taken seriously.

So if he won't listen to you directly, then perhaps couples counseling might be an option. It's all very well for you to think you need to change. I'm not sure that is at all appropriate. Change from loving and wanting the best for your kids - and consistently doing something about it? Change from not being heard?

It is not you that needs to change. He does, before resentment builds to the stage it might not be easily fixed.

Please come back and talk with us some more

Croix

[Hope_for_better]

Thank you Croix for your reply it sure is nice to have someone listen to these feels.

I do feel with him working away we have not worked together as a team to parent our boys. I know it would be hard for him to step into the routine that I have created in the home which is somewhat what I feel disfunctional at times.But yes he does need to listen and play a bigger role in the harder things including home duties which I seem to also do on my own. Sometimes it just all gets on top of me and then feel helpless and it all just becomes to hard.

Couples counciling would be great if only I could get him there I have talked to him about this before but he has an attitude of “yeah right”.

I have decided that tonight once the boys are in bed and there is silence I will write a letter to him. A letter about my feels and what I feel I need from him as my husband and father of our boys.

Do you think that is a good start? I don’t know.

[Croix]

Dear Hope for better~

Well, I'd think setting things down in a clear manner, without getting upset is certainly worth doing, and using a letter is a good way of stopping the emotion taking over. You can take your time and get it right.

Actually it is not only what you need from him as a husband and father, it is what your boys need too. The guidance and role model of a man as well as that of a woman.

It may be a letter will not be enough and you may have to make a stronger demand, however I'd agree you should see how you go with this idea first

Croix

[Hope_for_better]

Thank you I will give it a go.

[Croix]

Dear Hope for better~

I think we would all like to follow your progress and see how you go.

A couple of other thoughts. Does your husband have anyone he listens to or respects to - perhaps a parent or someone in his family. If you are able to enlist them he may be more receptive to things coming from more than one direction. Or a family he likes you could hold up as an example?

The other thing is is there anyone there for you? Perhaps to lend a hand with the kids, but more importantly to give some understanding, someone to teak with and maybe bounce ideas off?

Croix