Unrequited love with your friend

[Rowen13]

I met this great guy online on another depression forum. We texted daily for 7 months and he said straight off the bat on his profile that he's married. It didn't matter to me because I was deeply depressed at the time and only saw him as a friend. 

Unfortunately I developed feelings for him, strong feelings which is ruining the friendship. His rational and I'm emotional. I told him I have feelings for him and he suggested I take a break because he didn't feel the same way. He wanted me to come back when I could accept his friendship. I'm not physically attracted to him but have fallen in love with his intelligence, personality, integrity and kindness.

I hate that I developed these feelings and it's come up twice with him having to gently state twice that he doesn't return the feelings.

He has apologised for leading me on, which is true but he doesn't understand why we "can't just be friends". He says he's not like me and is slow to develop feelings. 

I miss him when we don't text and it's like a no win situation where I am always the loser. I loved our friendship before and wish I never developed any other feelings. Because even if we were together I wouldn't want to be intimate with him so I'm so confused. Why can't I just be happy with our friendship like I use to be? 

And should I just cut him out of my life. I have anxious attachment style and have already tried to end out 7 month friendship over 12 times now. But he always fights for it. 

He knows I have feelings for him but doesn’t know I love him. I want to keep my pride and not tell him because he already said he doesn't reciprocate my "feelings" so why declare my love. I lied and said I loved him as a friend but was not in love with him. 

I'm going to lose a good friendship and I have to end it. I'm so angry at myself that I can't be more mature about this.

[Croix]

Dear Rowen13~

A warm welcome here to the Forum, a good move as if you were to look around you would find others in the same set of circumstances.

You are very much attracted to him, and that is not surprising if you are in contact every day -it happens. By the sound of it there is no possibility of it going further, which would otherwise be the natural thing to do.

I"m afraid I do not exactly share your view of him as 'kind'. In fact the opposite. Unless his wife is well aware of the relationship then he is deceiving her, and even if she does he is not devoting his attention to her as she might deserve.

Telling you at the outset he is married is all very well, and could be regarded as simple honesty, it could also be regarded as putting all responsibility on your shoulders. "I told her and she still wanted to go ahead, so if now she is hurt its her own fault".

You did realise things needed to stop and tried ot make a break 7 times, however rather than respecting your wishes he has fought for the relationship to continue - he seems to want the best of both worlds, marriage and girlfriend (even if platonic)

I think you are mature abut this , you recognize the problem this relationship causes and want it to end. The fact you were, perhaps unintentionally on his part, drawn in until you fell in love is something you might not have expected. Unfortunately I doubt you could ever have things as they were.

May I suggest that even if you do not feel like it you spend more time on your own social life? Not only can that help take your mind of this problem from time to time but also opens up fresh possibilities

If you felt like it I would very much like to know you you get on

Croix

[Rowen13]

Hello Croix,

I too feel that perhaps he seems more mature than me but perhaps is just more selfish. If someone and we are both of mature age, me being 49 and him being 48 years old that your female friend has feelings and is hurting with the constant contact. I guess you would just let them go. And now I think he would, just because he is so confident that I can't stay away for long.

It is quite pathetic of me for sure but since I suffer with major depression and GAD, his support was so crucial to me when I had no one.

His wife cheated on him online and after marriage counselling, they both live together and he is allow to sext and cheat online as long as it's not real life. Geez as I write this I see how sick it all is. 

I will try to go no contact and end it. He doesn't know I love him and his ego is big enough. And he is just attracted to me. All of this is just wrong.

Thanks for the support.

[Croix]

Dear Rowen13~

Please do not worry about your age, or about being susceptible to a certain sort of person. It is only when you stand back and look at the overall picture do things you disregarded as unimportant or did not think about become clearer.

i hope you don't mind me saying your were especially vulnerable, between major depression and GAD there is no way you are going to look at things the same way as if you did not have those battles.

As someone with the same problems, as they flare up my judgment suffers and it is only  though the advice of someone I respect, my partner, that I do not go off in the wrong direction.

You realize of course you are still only relying on his word about the state of his marriage, it would not surprise me what a peron in his situation might say to keep you on side.

My first wife died, and at pretty much your age I re-married to somone also about your age. We are still in love together after 25+ years. It can happen despite my bouts of depression and GAD (plus a couple of other things) which I declared as things got serious  so she would know what to expect. It has worked well, we support each other in different ways.

I really hope you are able to sort this out, you deserve better, it may be his wife deserves better too.

Croix