unhappy relationship

[Lost_amp_Confused]

Hi,

Im 30 and have been with my partner for just on 10 years. We are each others first relationship. Along the way we've had our ups and downs but gotten thru it mostly. I have suffered untreated depression for the last few years. We have had trust issues in the past with him being unfaithful but he swears he has thought about it but never has.

I have recently discovered my partner is very close with a female colleague at his work. She is married with 2 kids. He is constantly messaging her and calling her when im not around. After some snooping I have found they are chatting very chummy. Last week I overheard a hushed conversation and whispering sweetly to her. I have confronted him a few times in the last week but he is maintaining they just work together and confide in each other. He says they have 'a lot in common".

Last night I confronted him again, he has been unhappy in our relationship for a while now but I never knew how much. Now he is saying he loves me more than anything but wonders if love is enough. He talks about us getting married and building a house and the future yet he is talking to this woman more than he talks to me! (or so it feels that way). He is questioning whether we have just grown apart. Our routine is very mundane as we have a lot of financial issues to deal with as well. I don't feel as tho we have grown apart, just going through a rough patch. He doesn't know what he needs to make him happy and I now confused and lost. What I thought was getting back on track seems to be going the other way for him.

I have no family and no friends as we relocated interstate a few years ago and we have both found it hard to have friendships outside of work. Ive lost touch with all my friends and have no one I can talk to. I just don't know what to do. I want to fight for this man with everything ive got. I'm so scared its not going to work out I feel sick to my stomach constantly and am going insane with imagining all the things they could be doing when im not there. After 10 years of being my other half, I will fall apart completely without him.

Thank you for listening.

[white knight]

Hi Land C, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

You are between a rock and a hard place.  I would suggest to you counseling is the way to go. This will likely expose a lot of things. If he doesnt go with you then that tells you something.

There have been many thread started on these pages with break ups, wondering how they are going to cope. I can say- its worse with children involved. But after about 12-18 months you move on and accept the split better and start to enjoy life again.

It sounds like he see the grass greener on the other side of the fence. you have a right to seek out his level of commitment. If that level is below your standards for happiness then make the move. Tough yes, but you will grow strong.

take care  Tony

[Lost_amp_Confused]

Thank you for your reply. I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow for a counseling referral and perhaps commencement of medication. I have benefited from counseling in the past but not sure if he will go with me. I just wish he would tell me the truth and be up front. Its my mind imagining these 'scenarios' that's really getting to me. I just don't know what to do.

[hope__strength_and_happin]

Hi Lost&Confused,

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I have gone through something similar recently myself.

Whatever you decide to do, I definitely recommend that you do see a counsellor first.  The counsellor will help you clarify your feelings and thought processes that may be helping or hindering you so that you can make an informed decision.

[Lost_amp_Confused]

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear you have been thru this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 I have an apt today with my Gp to see about counselling. I just feel so sick. I haven't been to work all week and I never take sick days. As soon as he leaves for work my mind starts spinning. I just cant seem to shut the thoughts off in my head. I cant seem to function at all at the moment. Im being totally consumed by this.

[hope__strength_and_happin]

I understand how you feel.  You find yourself fixating on your grief and pain and find it difficult to focus on anything else.  I am glad that you are seeing your GP - not only should they be able to recommend another professional to you that can help you, but just talking about it with your GP may help relieve some of the burden for you in the meantime.  GPs are used to helping people with these sorts of issues and taking about it really is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

Like you, I needed to take time off work.  However, once I am actually at work, I found that it helped me a lot with my state of mind.  At work, I am useful and productive - which is good for your self esteem.  It is difficult to get yourself there, but it gives you something else to focus on.  I hope that you find the same.

[Lost_amp_Confused]

Hi,

I have been to the GP and have managed to get a psychologist apt this afternoon. You are exactly right - i'm completely fixated on the pain. Yesterday was a better day, as on Wednesday I left home to stay with a workmate to get some space. He was really angry that I had left without leaving a note. I tried to explain that I wasn't thinking straight when I grabbed my things but he cant/wont understand. Now he is saying he not sure he wants me anymore as my battle with depression has been going on for years with little/no improvement.

I just don't know what I will do if he decides its over. I just don't know. Im so so lost.