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Uncertain relationship - Should we stay together?

Rrrrr20
Community Member

Hi,

My partner M and I have been together for six years and we have had our ups and downs.

In the last week we started to have some hard conversations, our sex hasn't been very good on either side in the last year and after we talked about that my partner admitted that he felt something was wrong. He couldn't work out what it was though.

We both think we should wait for a year or so and see if anything improves, but I have felt emotionless ever since. I'm a little bit angry and sad, but generally emotionless. 

Has anyone else experienced this? I wonder if this is shock or do I not truly believe we are going to split up?

I adore M so I'm worried this means my head is trying to tell me something 

4 Replies 4

Melly997
Community Member

Rrrrr20,

What I wouldn't give for my husband to have given us a year to see where things went instead of simply leaving & moving on to someone else.

In one year many things can change be it for the better or the worst, but in that time do all you can to see if your relationship can be fixed because once it's over things are a lot harder if you suddenly realise you made a mistake & it's too late. How would you feel knowing he's no longer with you?

Get some couples counselling, get some relationship counselling, get some individual counselling to find out what may be wrong. Now is the time for you to both be honest about what you want because it might only be something little now, but in 12 months it could be a lot bigger if it's not dealt with.

Could it just be that your relationship has gone a little stale after 6 years? If so, what can you do to get a little spark back? Do the two of you do things together outside the home? Do you have date nights? Do you try new things/go new places together? Do you both have the same vision of the future? Or are you in a stagnated routine?

You say you adore him so give him, yourself & your relationship the best chance. As for feeling empty, maybe that's a reaction because you also know there's problems but can't/don't want to face them. 

Don't let one week of hard conversations cloud your judgement.

I wish you all the best.

 

BeeNN_2015
Community Member

I'm in the same boat. I've been with my partner for 11 years and feel like we are going different directions. The relationship has gone stale, like you said. There is no passion or motivation. We've never talked about it properly and i feel now that we have raised all these issues, i'm finding it hard to deal with. I feel constant numbness and like you, emotionless. I'm kind of stuck as to what to do. And the deep guilt i feel for him if we do break up makes it even harder to confront.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

hello, welcome to the forum.

All relationships have their ups and downs, and this isn't any answer to you, nor do I want it to be, but sometimes we feel as though they are getting worse in being unable to solve the problem and then the disagreement continues on.

Relationships do become stale, because we have other commitments, like work, washing, cooking and socialising with your friends, which could be a problem because you see his friends more than you see your friends, so this can become awkward.

This doesn't mean one bit that you don't love your partner, because any love can not be broken with the click of a finger, such as I love my ex wife, but we couldn't live together again, but our love has always stuck.

You will have this feeling of being lonely after you both split up, but this is only natural, because you now have to make decisions by yourself, and no one else who you need to discuss it with , do the shopping for yourself, and this can be very difficult.

Just remember we can love someone even though we are not living together, just as you love M. Geoff. x

TheLegalSpouse
Community Member

All relationships are exciting and fun when its new and its also true that all relationships has their own ups and downs. But at a certain point, you will get tired of it, the relationship will become stale, the courting and romance will stop. Do you ever wonder why this happened? Do you ever think about what has changed over the years?

Sometimes thinking about what has changed to you, to your partner and to your relationship helps. Though overthinking things will do you no good. Think about whats missing in you relationship. If you felt like the sex is becoming less and lesser, talk to him about it. If you felt like youre doing much and much lesser things together, talk to him and encourage him to do more things together. If you felt like he's hiding something, confront him and ask him about the things thats been bothering him. if you felt like the romance and courtship are drifting away, tell him how you feel. Communication always plays a big part in your relationship. You have to be more open and more committed to make it work. You need to encourage each other to talk about how you feel because its easier for you to understand each other if you know how they feel. Less communication will make things more complicated. If youre having a hard time communicating, start with the small things. The easier things to talk about such as work, your individual problems outside of your relationship.

Evaluate yourself. Do you still cuddle with him? Do you still do things for him? Are you supporting his desires fully? Figure out what has changed you, once you figured it out, start from there. Of course its not just you, you both need to be aware of yourselves.

 Finally, ask yourself the things you love about him. Is it hard? If you cant think of a reason then you need to start choosing him 100%. You need to acknowledge the good things more than the bad things. Choosing him 100% means giving him your full attention, it means looking at the good traits more than the bad, it means enjoying the moment without distractions, it means loving the good traits and accepting his flaws. it means acknowledging the little things. If you do this, you'll be more aware and satisfied. Because if you dont choose him 100%, and you only look at the bad things, then this will lead to lesser feelings for each other.

So basically, my advice is to keep the fire burning and it requires real effort from both of you.