Trying to find a way past the self hatred....
I am very, very new to this. I have always been the person who silently broods until I finally snap. However, tonight I got so mad because of something that I should not have been upset about in the first place and realized that I need to find someone to talk to. I struggle to talk to people so I figured that this at least is anonymous and quite possibly might help.
I already know what triggers my moments of depression.. Thinking about my father and how miserable I was as a child, thinking about one of my 4 sisters who causes me nothing but grief and who I can't bring myself to forgive for hurting me, thinking of my mother who should have stood up for me but never did and whom also shows no real interest in my two sons, my other 3 sisters who act fake around me, thinking about my brother who I never got the chance to get to know because I made the choice to run away when I was 15 and he was 5, even when I look at my husband and know that I am in a miserable marriage that I struggle to give a chance triggers these moments of depression. There are also those never ending thoughts that spiral around in my mind telling me that I have the power to fix my marriage, forgive my family, move away and start fresh and even get out and try to loose all the weight I stacked on during the previous 5 years.
I realize that my life ain't so bad. I have 2 great kids, the rent is paid on time, I manage to pay the bills, we eat as healthy as the budget allows and I know my children are NEVER hungry. I have more then some people do and I should feel appreciative, I know that.
I still can't shake all my bitter history. I can't bring myself to forgive life long grudges. I don't leave the house very often. I can't get motivated. I cry constantly, sometimes for no reason at all. I am so lonely and I don't know who I can talk to because the people in my life don't understand and every single one of them is notorious for gossiping behind each others backs.
I don't want to feel alone anymore though. I don't want to be in this bubble of self hatred, treating myself like a victim and hating myself even more for it. I know I'm not the first person to feel this way and I definitely won't be the last, that's life I guess... But, I want some help now and if starting here, talking to strangers, is the baby step I must take to start down the road to feeling better then I hope this helps.
Throughout all of this I was continuously being called over to my parents by my father to help look after my mum who was getting drunk and crying herself silly every night. I didn't like having to put my drunk mother into a shower after watching her puke all over my 2 year old's nappy bag, it shouldn't have been my job to look after her, it should have been my dad. I started distancing myself from my family again after abusive sister gave birth to her baby. I was sick of everyone gossiping about each other, everyone was always so critical. Abusive sister ended up reported to DOCs by the hospital when her daughter was rushed to a better hospital when she was taken in with burns and bruises all over her body. Once again the whole family banded together to treat each
other like crap, taking sides and judging each others opinion.
Eventually one day I got sick of everyone and offered abusive sister a home to live in while she got her daughter back. Everything was fine, I was happy with a new little baby to keep me occupied, my sister got her daughter back and even though the rest of the family was gossiping about my decision to help my sister behind my back I ignored it all and minded my own business. I started noticing abusive sister was being rough with her daughter
and neglecting her for hours on end while abusive sister slept. I started getting people to watch when they
visited so I had witnesses if I reported her to DOCs. And then just over a year ago abusive sister moved out. But abusive sister decided she wanted more from me and started asking for my child safety equipment that I had set up around my house to protect my own children. DOCs wouldn't let her keep her kids if she didn't set her house up safely (understandable obviously).
Instead of using her pension to buy it all for herself abusive sister spent all her money on designer baby gear for the baby she was pregnant with even though she didn't need half of it. I said no, she needed to buy it all herself. She couldn't handle me saying no to her again and so she slandered me harsher than she ever had before across every social forum she was on. The insults about my appearance and even my parenting methods were beyond anything I had witnessed before. She insulted my intelligence. She even set her boyfriend on to me for something that I had nothing to do with. I had had enough. I asked for all the baby furniture I had lent her back and told her to stay away from me. She refused to give everything back to I called the police for some help to retrieve it without abusive sister attacking me as she had done to other sisters before. Abusive sister had already sold all my stuff and pocketed the money. I was furious. My sister saw my efforts to protect her children from harm as some kind of threat and did everything she could to hurt me.
Ever since this went down I have gotten reports from other family members that she is still slandering me, telling everyone that I am fat and ugly. Telling everyone that I am a bad person because I am an indoor person, not an outdoor person. She tells everyone that I don't educate my kids. Apparently I should have been swallowed at birth. The list goes on and on.
Apart from all the abusive sister stuff I have had problems with my husband. We keep fighting. Every time I am feeling down we end up arguing over nothing because he won't listen to me when I tell him I need to be left alone. During the past year my husbands email account has been hacked and used to sign up to every cam girl website imaginable and even been very convincing in making me believe that it was my husband that had been chatting to other girls. And then one night recently all the girls started sending me messages with photos of letters that had been left on their cars with my husbands handwriting and email address on them. I was so convinced he had been stalking women in car parks. he was adamant that it wasn't him. And then he got pulled over for an RBT one day and when the police saw his license they called in a drug squad and dogs because apparently he had been reported as selling drugs.
This was when I knew we were being targeted. Not only did the dogs come up clean but I knew that even when my husband has smokes tobacco cigarettes behind my back he hadn't touched marijuana since he got clean 4 years ago. This is one thing I was sure of. Everyone in my family started gossiping again, and the whole time I was waiting to see if my mum would call to see if i was OK during the time that I had been considering divorcing my husband before the RBT. What an idiot I am of course. Why would i think my parents would give a damn?
And then my parents and siblings let abusive sister back into their life a coupe of months ago. All of a sudden abusive sister has them all wrapped around her little finger, talking and gossiping about me, ganging up on me. As if I needed my whole family to do that to me right when my life has been falling apart.
And like I mentioned my grandmother started slandering me again, telling everyone that the business I am trying to build is going to fail. gee, thanks Nan.
I am now here, right now at this point where I am trying to figure out how after 11 years of all this drama, after all the help I gave family members when they needed, why when I need everyone no one gives two iotas about me. I have tried so hard to help everyone, to be loyal, to do everything for my kids so they never have to feel the way I did growing up, to start a business so I can buy a good home for my kids one day and start college funds for them one day. I have tried so hard to forget how lonely and unwanted I have felt the past 11 years, make that 26 including my childhood. I put my own needs aside for years for the sake of the rest of my family. I can't do it anymore. I am so angry and I can't stop being angry. I want all the pain to go away but at the same time I want my family to be something they obviously can't be. I want to move away and forget everyone but at the same time I want family around me. I don't have any friends to lean on.
Here's the truth about me. Yes, I am overweight and have been battling with me own feelings about my weight on my own without my family always criticizing me for how I look. Yes, I am an indoor person and would rather sit down with a cup of tea and watch my babies play. This does not mean that I ignore my kids or that they don't go outside to play. They have all my attention all the time, it's just in my personality to hide away inside where other people can't look at me and make me feel judged. I put my whole heart and soul into my kids. I stress over how much we can afford to feed them fresh healthy organic home made foods instead of relying on cheaper frozen foods. I stress over their education, my 7 year old does homework every day even in the holidays when other parents would give their kids time of. I spend hours every day trying to get my one year old to talk. I am pro cloth nappies and washing the same load of washing 2 times on long cycles with extra rinses just to make sure my kids don't put food stained clothes back on. I vacuum 2-3 times a day, every day. I clean my bathroom with vinegar to avoid my kids coming into contact with chemicals. My kids don't lack indoor or outdoor toys. They even dress well. I own thousands of books, both kids and adults because I want my kids growing up with a healthy attitude towards reading. Yes, I love watching TV and curling up under a blanket but who cares? Isn't that my problem? Why should it be a reflection on my kids? I encourage them to read and play and run around outside. I have conversations with them (well as much as I can with my 1 year old) about school and their friends. I have play dates with one of my other sisters and my niece so my 1 year old has someone to interact with his own age when my older son is at school.
I do believe I deserve better, well I do now. I never really thought it mattered before. But now I am always depressed and lonely and angry at my family and I realize I need better for myself. You are right that I need to distance myself from my family. I don't want to be any more lonely than I already am but I can't handle the hypocrisy I deal with from my family on a daily basis anymore. My family know that I am struggling to get past everything that I have been dealing with lately and have shown absolutely no support, so i have decided to move away from the area in a few months and cut contact until they are ready to be grown ups.
Reading through your posts, I believe you have made the only wise decision possible. Well done for taking this courageous step. And yes, you owe it to yourself and your children. They deserve to grow in a safe, supportive environment. You are a loving, caring Mum so you understand this. Your children are lucky to have you.
In my opinion, it is better to live without family if this family is detrimental to your well being. It seems to me that staying within it doesn't stop you from being alone. You have been used and abused. This has to end.
With all you have endured over the years, you have shown inner strength and courage. But it has understandably taken its toll and you are badly in need of looking after yourself and protecting your children. They need a happy, healthy Mum.
Starting a new life chapter means we must leave the past behind, so loss is always involved. Letting go of a harmful situation is a must...no matter how attached to it we have become. It will all be worthwhile in the long run.
Bear in mind that you will have to be firm. Your family will not like the idea of letting go of their scapegoat. Due to their own issues, they need these power games to continue. They've obviously used their schemes to validate themselves. Let it be their problem. You and your kids are the ones who really matter here.
I understand that going it alone is not easy. I still think you should talk to a GP who could put you on a health plan to help sort out your wounded emotions. Unloading the overload by talking face to face with someone qualified helps clarify the situation to ourselves.
You have already made difficult but positive decisions to move on in the right direction. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve to be kind to yourself by putting yourself out of harm's reach. It's an achievement to be proud of. Self esteem has been battered by those who didn't know how to love you. Now it's time to love yourself and take good care.
Here for you.