Trying to find a way past the self hatred....
I am very, very new to this. I have always been the person who silently broods until I finally snap. However, tonight I got so mad because of something that I should not have been upset about in the first place and realized that I need to find someone to talk to. I struggle to talk to people so I figured that this at least is anonymous and quite possibly might help.
I already know what triggers my moments of depression.. Thinking about my father and how miserable I was as a child, thinking about one of my 4 sisters who causes me nothing but grief and who I can't bring myself to forgive for hurting me, thinking of my mother who should have stood up for me but never did and whom also shows no real interest in my two sons, my other 3 sisters who act fake around me, thinking about my brother who I never got the chance to get to know because I made the choice to run away when I was 15 and he was 5, even when I look at my husband and know that I am in a miserable marriage that I struggle to give a chance triggers these moments of depression. There are also those never ending thoughts that spiral around in my mind telling me that I have the power to fix my marriage, forgive my family, move away and start fresh and even get out and try to loose all the weight I stacked on during the previous 5 years.
I realize that my life ain't so bad. I have 2 great kids, the rent is paid on time, I manage to pay the bills, we eat as healthy as the budget allows and I know my children are NEVER hungry. I have more then some people do and I should feel appreciative, I know that.
I still can't shake all my bitter history. I can't bring myself to forgive life long grudges. I don't leave the house very often. I can't get motivated. I cry constantly, sometimes for no reason at all. I am so lonely and I don't know who I can talk to because the people in my life don't understand and every single one of them is notorious for gossiping behind each others backs.
I don't want to feel alone anymore though. I don't want to be in this bubble of self hatred, treating myself like a victim and hating myself even more for it. I know I'm not the first person to feel this way and I definitely won't be the last, that's life I guess... But, I want some help now and if starting here, talking to strangers, is the baby step I must take to start down the road to feeling better then I hope this helps.
Hi Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By, Welcome to the forums. I think you've taken a huge step in sharing your story and your pain. Thank you.
Please know you are amongst kindred spirits here and that we understand those moments where looking back our reactions could have been different. Those reactions and the anger is painful, but the lesson is understanding yourself that little bit more. This also might mean coming back here and telling us of an incident that happened that didn't go the way you feel it could have.
In reading about your family I understand it must have been difficult and still is because of the dynamic of the family, especially your siblings.
You'll never shake your bitter history, it's already been written and can't be changed. What can be changed is how each piece affected you and still affects you - the most important part is then learning how to accept the pieces and live for the future, as you say, you have to gorgeous kids, food on the table and the kids aren't hungry That's a future to hold on to and get well for.
Getting well is so much more effective when there are multiple approaches. Talking about things, perhaps visiting your GP to have a chat, eating quality food, getting fresh air and going for a walk, meditation helps some people, mindfulness helps some as well.
All of the approaches in concert will help with firstly stabilising your mood and outlook which makes it easier to accept and forgive your past and feel more comfortable in general.
I speak from experience as I can relate to some of your family history and also events in childhood that are really hard to understand emotionally. I needed to find a good therapist to help me through. Your GP can help you find someone if you choose to add this to your swag of approaches to getting well.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
Thanks for your words of support. It does feel good to have someone say something non judgemental for once.
Right now I am wishing I had the courage to react more. Last night I failed to tell someone that they had completely disrespected and hurt me and in the process I got angrier and angrier at myself for being so weak. It is so easy for me to get angry and tell my husband how I feel even if it turns into an argument but as soon as I see someone else I completely shut down, completely afraid to tell them how I feel.
I keep making plans to see a Dr and never following through. I don't even understand why, it just works out that way. I panic and make myself forget about making the call. I haven't seen a counselor in 12 years and I am afraid that it won't help. I don't know how to stop the fearful thought process.
I don't want to be that person who makes excuses for myself so I won't. I really just want to understand why I feel the way I do all the time. I want to know how I can make the people who hurt me understand just how much they keep hurting me. And I really want to know how to start over without being scared of what will happen around the next corner, I want that more then anything.
Thanks for listening,
Welcome to the forums. What I like about this space is that you can tell your story in the way that works for you. You can ask questions. And you can be upfront about issues like mental health where the conversations don't always happen in other parts of life. You have made a good start on all that, I would encourage you to keep in touch with us. I can say there are a fair few good listeners here.
Hi Lana and a warm welcome to these forums...they are indeed a good place to start. Well done !
Like you, I grew up in a dysfunctional family (to say the least) so I understand the negative impact this history can have on us. It is difficult to build up self esteem and confidence in an environment intent on keeping you down.
The mind is a bit of a labyrinth. We refer to it as ours but in fact, we end up being its puppet, not knowing what exactly is pulling the strings. We keep bumping against dead ends, run around in circles and can't find a way out. This is the reason why a guide is a good ally to have. This is what a good therapist should be. Sometimes it takes several attempts to find one we can click and work with efficiently. I guess your past experience with a counselor failed to work out for you. It doesn't mean the same will happen again if you decide to give it another shot. A good professional's job is to help you understand why you feel the way you do...and also how to manage those feelings so that you can reclaim control and quality of life. Therapists are service providers, nothing wrong with walking off and seeing someone else if you find they're not the right person. Keeping in mind that expecting quick results is unrealistic...
If you find face to face confrontation too daunting, why not write down your feelings and hand the letter over to those who bully you ? Writing allows you to clarify your feelings to yourself. You can take time over wording, delete and start over again until you're satisfied. No blurting out in panic involved. A letter can be read and read again at leisure. This is a strategy that has helped many of us stand up for ourselves and gain self esteem in the process.
Big problems are best dealt with by breaking them in small pieces, one small step at a time.
Meanwhile, navigating these forums and posting will allow to vent your feelings instead of bottling them up. They're a safe, non judgmental place to start. You'll find here many others who are familiar with the issues that confront you. We're all more or less on the same boat...or have been there in the past.
Good to have you on board.
Hey Lana (That's so much easier than typing Lettin_Life_P....)
Thanks for your reply.
I get a strong feeling a lot of the judgement that upsets you comes from some negative self talk which then turns into how you feel. An example. "I got angrier and angrier at myself for being so weak". Ouch. If we pop the judgement of being weak aside for a moment and take a layer off - What's underneath that emotion of feeling weak? If it's something to do with your childhood then is it still a judgement or is it just how you feel at the moment as a result of what's underneath the feeling of weakness. A way to find out might be to ask yourself "When I don't stand up for myself, what prevents me from saying something?" In asking that question it requires you to let go of judging yourself while you ask it.
I hope that makes sense - please let me know if not and we can go through it together. Sometimes those secondary emotions hide and are hard to see.
Anger can be a big blanket we throw over a bunch of emotions to hide them, it can also be a natural reaction to feeling like we've been wronged, it can also be the immediate emotion following fear. Sometimes it's hard to let go of anger - as you said talking to your husband and sometimes ending up having an argument.
Can you try this next time...
Name it - recognise the anger and label it "Im angry" or "That's anger"<--- this one is better
Claim it - "I have anger because"... this could be because someone disrespected you, hurt you, did the wrong thing.
Give it away "This anger actually belongs to"... whomever or whatever made you angry to start with.
You can't short cut this exercise it's important to run through the three steps and you can't use yourself to claim it because you not the source of your anger!
The name it, claim it, give it away exercise helps deal with anger and it's only helpful to keep anger from masking other emotions.
I'd love to know how you go with asking yourself to find the next layer and also diffusing anger. Even if you feel they are silly - please let me know.
Be kind to yourself. - Let's chat again soon.
I finally came out and told everyone exactly how unstable I have been and that I am seeking medical help. Not a single person has come forward to answer me, I highly doubt I will even get a text from my mother anytime in the next millennia. Just once in my life I want my mother to ask me if I am OK! It would be nice just to get a message saying hi. I have seen my parents 2 maybe 3 times in 14 months with next to no communication and it is really starting to hurt. This is all muddled and confusing tonight but I am so upset that I can't sleep, I just want to scream. The past year has finally become too much. Besides the drama with my sister and parents, my husband was framed for dealing drugs and cheating. I still don't know who has been trying to destroy our life, they just keep coming at us. I can't handle it anymore. Sorry that this is more of a rant then an answer to previous replies, I really needed to throw out some of the garbage even if it landed in a confused muddle of sentences.
Sounds like there's a lot going on at the moment. I think you did the right thing by jumping on here and letting it out. That's what we're here for!
It's horrible when there is family conflict, especially with immediate family and no clear reasons why and as you say it's really starting to hurt.
I'm wondering a few things; how did you let everyone know about how you've been feeling lately?
Have you tried to text your mother and let her know you would like to talk, then let her know how much she means to you?
Has something specific happened that has caused so many of your family members to cause hurt?
Chat soon Lana, Take care.
It seems to me that you find yourself in a toxic family environment. Not only are you getting no support whatsoever but it is also bringing and keeping you down. How can you move on from a "bitter history" if all you are getting now is more of the same ? How can you stop seeing yourself as victim if those around you keep victimizing you ?
Have you thought of taking time out from it all and focus on sorting yourself out and away from this constant negative input ? There was a time when I had to do this myself in order to gather new strength and allow inner forces to regroup. I understand it is easier said than done but it is possible. Perhaps you should temporarily cut contact with those who are not only unhelpful but are also making things worse. Do you need this input in your life right now ? I think you deserve better than them.
This strategy worked well for me and also others. Perhaps it would give you a chance to take good care of yourself and your immediate family without having the rest of them throwing a spanner in the works.
My best wishes are with you.
Growing up my father was a bit of a smoker, grew his own weed a bit etc and didn't have a job for probably a good 8 years I think, and I think maybe this helped make him the father he became. Me, being the oldest of 6 (5 girls and youngest being a boy) and having supposed to have been a boy, copped a lot from him. I basically grew up with an angry bipolar father that didn't know his limitations as far as physical punishment is concerned and didn't know how to pick and choose the things he punished for and so punished everything, right down to something as simple as playing with a ladybug once when I was 9 and he didn't like it. This is just one example, there is way too many things a hundred times worse I could say he did but this one stuck in my memory because I felt very wronged, especially since I was 9 and I didn't understand at the time.
I finally ran away from home when I was 15. I didn't go near my parents or siblings again for the following 2 years if I could help it and I managed to get by fine with a counselor and anti depressant medication.
I slowly started letting my family back into my life when I had my first son at the age of 18, I even gave my son my fathers name in his middle name. My dad made this big show of buying me some furniture and helping me move into a flat when I separated from my babies father. I met my current husband and everything was going great, I was getting along with everyone for the most part.
Then all the drama started. One of my sisters started abusing everyone in the family. Another sister got married behind everyone's backs to a man who ended up killing himself a couple of years ago because of the trouble my family caused him. The sister that was abusing everyone manipulated me into thinking she needed protecting and got me to have a talk to one of our other sisters who did not invite the abusive sister to her engagement party. To be fair none of our family had been invited....... I can't imagine why!!! Abusive sister talked me into letting her move in with me but the tried to get me to let her boyfriend move in too, rent free. I said no. She abused me black and blue slandering me all over the internet, telling everyone that I was fat and ugly and stupid. The family gossiped some more.