Trying to be strong and hold it all together

[Cjane]

Just another newbie entering the Beyond Blue page.

I guess I’m sick and tired of always having to be the strong one, the one checking on everyone else. Who checks on the person checking on everyone else, no one in my case. I’m so busy making sure everyone else has what they need and their all looked after and taken care of that I forget to take care of myself.

I guess my story started when my nan left this earth for a batter place five years ago and I guess I’ve never come to terms with the fact that she’s gone. Most days I wish I could be with her in a better place holding her hand to guide me through the tough days. She was the only person I would talk to and now I just shut down and don’t talk to anyone about how I’m doing anymore. Truth be told I’m not doing okay like I told my mum I was, I’m not enjoying myself at all these Christmas functions like I tell my boyfriend I am, truth is I’m struggling. Struggling big time I feel like I’m a sinking ship trying to hold it all together.

I never tried talking to professionals but I think I need to give it a go but feel super scared about it all I don’t even know where to start.

[Croix]

Dear Cjane~

I'd like you to feel welcome and comfortable coming here. It can be quite a difficult thing to do and many feel embarrassed or uncomfortable until things settle down and they get talking.

Like a lot of people you sound as if you are wearing a mask, being one sort of person on the outside, and a completely different one inside. That face to the world is competent, reliable, organized and strong. I'd imagine it fools many and they think that is the real you.

From what you say though that is far from the case. For a start you are doing all the supporting, and I'd guess not being supported back. You are grieving over the loss of your Nan, someone who had a very special place in your heart and was a source of strength and guidance for you . Now you are struggling and not doing that well, and probably feel alone even when with your mum of BF.

Is there anyone at all that tends to understand and you can talk to?

As well do you have to do everything for the others? Can you start to steer them towards them fending for themselves?

Grief can be the start of feeling very down, isolated and exhausted. There is no timescale for it getting less, everyone is different. Living as you do sounds horrible and you do need to have a much better life. You already realize you should seek professional help, which is a very good first step.

Actually doing it though does indeed seem scary, something many of us have discovered. I would suggest you see your GP for a long consultation which you book in advance. There set out exactly how you feel and what your life consists of at the moment. Say how long it has been going on.

If you think you might get muddled or have difficulty talking face-to-face then write everything down first and share the paper. I found doing this helped both me - and the doctor got a clearer picture.

I'd really like it if you came back and talked more about yourself and you life.

Croix

[MsPurple]

HI Cjane and welcome to the forums

I think Croix has given you some wonderful advice.

I know I was struggling for a long time and I told everyone I was ok. It can be a really hard and lonely road trying to tell everyone you are ok when you are not. It is ok to not be ok. And having support will make the journey at lot easier. My family were really supportive of me and helped me with what they could. But I had to accept the help. I also went and saw a psychologist and I found it really helpful. I also see my gp for management too. It is so much easier not doing this alone and no longer lying to yourself about how you are doing. I wish I had done it a long time before I had

[BballJ]

Hi Cjane,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I understand everything you have written and I can relate 100%, like you I am always the one checking on people, making sure they are ok, I can't say I get much of it in return but I guess I have kind of accepted it and I like to think if I can just help others as much as possible then I will just live with how I feel as long as others are smiling. This mindset is not healthy however and we need to look after ourselves as much as we do others. There is an Ed Sheeran song perfect for this scenario. Before I save someone else, I've got to save myself. You have hit the nail on the head when you said you need to seek professional help, talking to a psychologist about how you are feeling I think is very important and a step you should take. I battled my mental health issues for many years before I realised I needed professional help and it was one of the best things I did so I cannot recommend it enough.

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[Croix]

Dear Cjane~

I'm replying here to your other thread about a family member having a new baby and your reaction. I prefer replying here because I can read what has happened before.

I think in the situation you are in at the moment it would be very hard to drum up genuine enthusiasm for the birth, not so much because you would like a child yourself (which I think I remember you saying you did) but simply because of your overriding feelings of grief and not being able to take part in family activities. You are not bad or cold or anything like that, you are in fact at the end of your tether and need support.

You've put on a mask and shown you care, and frankly doing that is a pretty good effort.

I think you should cut yourself some slack. Not wanting to visit in hospital, not wanting to go to family functions is all bound up with how you are now, and as I mentioned before getting professional help is the easiest and most direct method of getting back to an enjoyable life where you are not just existing and trying to cope.

You are worrying about others, in this case the parents, they are surrounded by family and are even having a celebration of the homecoming. It is time to look to your needs.

Croix