Trust issue in relationship

[JasmineC]

My husband and I have been married for more than a year, but 2 years before the wedding I found out that he cheated on me with another girl when he went overseas for a holiday. So we broke up after that. Fast forward about a year later, we got back together, things were cleared up as I understood that we were not that serious in our relationship, also his mum did not approve of our relationship, plus I still loved him so I forgave him, well I thought I did. Not until recently I find myself constantly go on his facebook messenger and check his messages because that was how I found out about the previous cheating scandal. I found one of this message in his facebook messenger. He was saying "I miss you" to her out of nowhere and I don't know if I'm just over thinking but the messages sound a little bit flirty. Should I be concerned? After what happened in the past, I can honestly say that my trust issue hasn't actually been repaired yet, but I really don't know what to do now. I really love him and he has been a great husband since we got back together again. I just don't want this trust issue of mine to ruin our relationship, should I see a counsellor?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi JasmineC,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out.

I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this; while I've never been betrayed like this I know that you're not alone and I imagine I'd feel the same way.

I think that it's completely natural and normal to be wanting to check his messages - rebuilding trust can be an incredibly hard think to do. It sounds like it's particularly hard given you've seen the 'I miss you' message. Was this recent? I would have thought that you'd be wanting no contact at all, so it is a little bit of a red flag for me (flirtatious or not).

Counselling to me sounds like it would be helpful, but I wonder if you've considered couples counselling? I'm thinking that this might be more beneficial because this involves both of you. That way you can learn the skills together about how trust is important in a relationship, rebuilding it - as well as being able to talk about it openly and honestly. If that doesn't interest you though, counselling can still help too. 🙂

[Lost___unloved]

Hi JasmineC,
Once tested or lost, trust is such a hard thing to gain back.

My husband cheated when we had been married for 9 months. That was 14yrs ago & I am still hurting so I'm not sure that I am qualified to give any advice but I just wondered if you had considered;
Has something in particular prompted your recent 'relapse' of not trusting him? I found out about my husband's infidelity because of having gut feeling that something wasn't right.
Have you spoken to your husband about how you are feeling?

[geoff]

Hi JasmineC, thanks for posting your comment.

I'm sorry for how you feel and for what's happened, but there are a couple of issues if I can mention them, the first is that his mother doesn't approve of your relationship, although this maybe a while ago and wonder how she feels today.

The worry is, how can you build trust with him again after he has posted these comments on facebook, so is it possible, maybe, but it does take a lot of work, however, it's not you that has to do this but your husband, because not only is he making these gestures but not being honest with you.

Sometimes love isn't strong enough to keep two people together, this is the second time (?) he has done this behind your back, and to rebuild trust after he has cheated on you is
to build the future, rather than living in or worrying about the past, this will just bog you down in questions which may not be answered, but I do suggest counselling together as well by yourself.

Please take care.

My best.

Geoff.

[Quercus]

Hi Jasmine and a belated welcome,

Your post made me confused to be blunt. Why would you ask do I need to be concerned if you clearly are?

Trust your gut instinct.

Mine says I'd be confronting him.

Why is he missing this woman he cheated on you with let alone writing to her? Why has he committed to you if there is something he wants to seek elsewhere?

Sometimes we have to ask the hard questions.

Nat

[AndyR]

HI JamineC

There's lots of good advice already been offered but if I could I'd like to add a cautionary note about confronting your husband. You will need to prepare yourself for that conversation and think about how to address him and the messages you found. That you found them on his fb messenger possibly gives him something to toss back at you in terms of trust. So being prepared means knowing how to discuss openly and honestly why you were looking.

My thought is seeing a counselor on your own for advice on how to approach this could give you strategies for managing the conversation and the possible fallout and consequences. It may also help you work out a way to define and address the erosion of trust that has happened and what that means for you

kind regards

Andrew