Trapped

[Worriedhusband]

Hey guys,
Not sure if I’m in the right place but I need some advice. My marriage is in serious trouble and I don’t know what to do. It got to a point where I told my wife that I wanted out and that I wanted to leave and try to move on with my life. I told her how I felt and then asked if we could handle things like adults and talk through things in an honest way. Her response was “not right now but maybe we could talk in 2 weeks”. I’m not sure where the 2 weeks came from but that was the time frame given. Now that we have sort of tried a couple of times to talk about things she is not happy with the fact that I am finally speaking up. The reason that I am on this forum is because she is now threatening to harm herself if I decide to leave and she had also tried to use my boys against me by saying that she will tell them  that as a result they will never talk to me again. She also threatened to harm herself 2 days ago. She called me when she was on her way over to pick up our son from university. She called me and told me that I wouldn’t hear from her again and that she wanted me to look after our boys and make them happy. I feel that she is only doing this to somehow hold me to ransom so our marriage is not broken. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Worriedhusband,

Thank you for your post. We know how much courage it takes to post about such deep concerns. We are a supportive and helpful community.

We hear that you are trying to figure out How to proceed with your life, and that you are feeling like your wife is trying to keep things the way they have been.

We would like to encourage you to contact a counsellor or other mental health professional. Your GP is a good person to consult with for a referral to a local mental health specialist.

Sophie M.
 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

first of all, I agree with the words of Sophie_M.

It is also sad to hear that things had to get to this level. It sounds like you have been trying to do the right thing - that is have open communication with your wife, except she does not want to take part. It's difficult when things keep getting put off to a later date and I guess you would be frustrated by that also. Trying to keep the status quo is a way of hiding a problem or pretending it does not exist. And maybe there is also an answer of moving forward together. I don't know. Does not sound that way at the moment.

My only question is whether you can remember any good times with your wife? Or what are some of her good qualities?

[Juliet_84]

Hi worriedhusband,

Welcome to the forum, although I am sorry that you come here under these circumstances. It is clear that your wife is not intending to handle this like an adult. The threats to harm herself and use your children against you are manipulation tactics used to try and exert control over you. From your side, it comes across as though you are hoping to get “permission” to leave, and she is putting herself in the drivers seat with the whole “not right now, maybe we can discuss this in two weeks”. The reality is that you are never going to get permission from this person because it is not in HER own best interests. No one is going to act in your best interests other than you. You need to decide whether this is what you want and forge ahead with it. Be prepared that her threats may increase when she feels herself begin to lose control even more. But the reality is that you can’t stay with a person because you are emotionally blackmailed into doing so. What were the reasons leading up to your decision to leave if you don’t mind me asking? Has she been quite controlling during your relationship?