Toxic family dynamic

[blues23]

I really don’t know where to start ,

my father wants me to bring my child to see my mother ( this happens 3x4 a year birthdays, Xmas ect ) 

my mother has a long history of being abusive and just down right nasty to myself & my siblings a lot happened when I was growing up a lot of it sad , abusive , due to my mothers behaviours .

i have told my father I don’t want to go and visit my mother  anymore with my child due to the very real reality of history repeating itself, I’ve had to make up lies so that we don’t have to visit I have to go out of my way to not feel guilty for  not visiting and making my fathers Xmas miserable I’m trying to to protect my child from my mother as I don’t want history repeating itself and it will I know my mother . It’s almost like I’m leaving an abusive relationship all over again as my father won’t accept no for an answer and bully’s me into going to see my mother with my child so he can have a peaceful Xmas and whatever . How do I escape this situation? I’ve tried the truth , I’ve tried making up excuses, I want a relationship with my father but I’m starting to feel very trapped by his inability to accept my choices and it’s really making me feel guilty.its almost like I have to run away again when I’m a 40 year old woman . 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I've been in the exact same situation with my parents. My mother was sneaky and disagreed with nearly every parental thing we did with our daughters. I could no longer trust her at all. A 10 minutes walk with our toddler kids to a shop would actually be a 10 minute opportunity for her to ask about us and our decisions.

This behaviour is inexcusable. You problem is that your father feels caught in the middle and she is no doubt using him as her means to get contact going again.

What is necessary is that your child is yours, your decisions, just as your mother made her decisions with you and your siblings when young. Your turn. Grandparent often think they have some sort of authority over their grandkids, they dont. If they are good grandparents there wont be an issue at all.

I suggest you make a stand to your father, a serious meeting without distractions to inform him that you've taken on board his concerns but, you have many bad memories of your mothers behaviour that you believe has not had signs of regret nor change. That its your decision and your mother has been the villain in this whole episode or poor conduct. That your dad needs to understand that your decision is final and him putting pressure on you only hurts his relationship with you.

If you google "queen witch hermit waif" you might get an idea of how destructive some people can be and the reasons for it.

I hope this helps, reply if you need to anytime

TonyWK

[blues23]

Thanks for your reply white knight 

my situation is very difficult my father is almost depressed i caught up with my sibling today and he was there depressed asking when we ( I & my child ) are visiting. 

my sibling has been the lucky one doesn’t have to visit was kicked out at 16  and has had no contact with our mother for over 30 years , I wasn’t , my mother has paronid schizophrenia, she’s unstable  and I don’t trust her with my child , as my child is getting older and my dad made the huge mistake and told my mother I’d had a baby and I’ve been stuck in this forced ( guilt trip ) visits for years and it’s just never going to stop 

[ABC01]

Dear Blues23,

It may have to be about setting boundaries and being assertive about them. It will be uncomfortable at first. People don’t like change and may try to manipulate you into doing what is easier/easiest for them, but that is when you need to be assertive and stand firm.

It may be worth researching what boundaries and assertiveness means and then how that can be applied to yourself. Many people believe assertiveness means aggression/stubborn like behaviours , but it isn’t. It is rational and reasonable behaviour. Unfortunately unless you put your foot down and stick to it, they won’t believe that you are serious.

And you are in control of yourself and your own child. If they want to come to the party, they need to follow your rules or it has the potential to cease relationships.

 I know it is easier said then done. But practice does matter. And if people want relationships to continue,both people have to want it. And if there is conflict, both sides have to open to negotiate. Your child’s safety always comes first.

 I hope you are able to find what you need,

ABC01

[white knight]

Hi all,

Great post ABC.

Blues- essentially this is your dads problem and although it's natural to care for him and his depression, he has to listen to your mothers whining and complaining, that means he think the answer is for you to decide to bring your child to her- that isnt how these family issues work.

Your father has options, its a marital problem and therefore he should seek couples counselling to resolve them, not try to abuse your rights to get them done.

I agree with ABC, stand firm, its your life, your decisions, your child. Your mother violated you and your rights, nothing will change if you reunite, just more of the same.

TonyWK