Totally lost and depressed and want to hide/run away

[Beckyboobooau]

I'm totally lost

I don't know where to start. I am engaged to an amazing man and gave 4 step children (2 special needs) that I'm mumma to. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 3 years ago. I feel like I'm loosing my mind and loosing my family. I wake every morning feeling like I'm failing them all as I don't deliver the happy mummy they used to have. I'm sad and depressed all the time. Life is totally on top if me. I've never felt more alone and lonely. I honestly want to run away from the world and disappear. This prob makes no sense to anyone

[Quercus]

Hello Becky and welcome to the forums,

Being a Mum with a mental illness is a tough gig (yep I'm one too). The fact that you're open and loving to four stepkids (and two with special needs to boot) is such a reflection on the type of person you are... A bloody good one 😊!

It's ok to need support. And it's ok not to be a happy Mum sometimes. I know the guilt so well but the truth is we are human beings not robotic supermums.

So you're feeling low... What support is around you? Have you seen your medical team lately for a check up?

I had the full blood test drama lately and the results came back clear... My exhaustion has a social/mental cause. Doc said to rule out the possible health causes first and then review what can change in my life.

What do you think? If you wrote a list of your week are you smothered and overwhelmed like me? With four kids I am betting you are swamped.

So what help is there for you?

I've been working on a list... What responsibilies do I have and what can go or be delegated or outsourced. Would something like that help you? To see where you can free up some time for yourself.

You're being hard on yourself which is sad to see. Is there anyone who can watch the kids for a bit so you can have some time with your other half? Sit down together and work out a plan of attack. Coping with four kids needs to be a team effort and you do need space to care for yourself too.

I hope you keep writing here. There is a lot of support to be found here and many who understand.

❤ Nat

[Beckyboobooau]

Thank you, at the moment everything I do is for my family. I have put my own appointments aside as my kids all need so much and as my fiance works during the week it's all left up to me.

I am finding that I am resenting the fact that he withdraws and leaves everything to me. I don't have family that is willing to take the kids because of their extra/special needs so I don't get much time for myself.

I honestly feel like everyone would be better off without me around

[Quercus]

Hi Becky,

Nope. No way in hell would they be better off without you. That's exhaustion speaking.

I think it's time for an honest conversation with your fiance don't you? Do you think he would be open to you asking for help?

You need those appointments. If that means he has to take a day off then so be it. Your health comes first. How are you supposed to care for high needs children if you are unwell!? If you're cared for everyone benefits.

Maybe write a short list of things that would really help you and give it to him. So it is clear what you need him to do. Do your finances allow you to get some help with housework for example. Could he finish early one day a week so you can go to your appointment?

Before you met your partner did you have any children? It is a massive change to become responsible for kids. They're bloody exhausting! Just because he works doesn't excuse him from helping with his kids! I find asking my other half to do certain jobs helps me to prevent feeling resentful. He baths the kids while I vaccume and do the dishes. Or he reads the bedtime story and I go water the garden. We're a team. But I had to ask. He used to leave it to me but one day I cracked it and said come on they are your kids and they want Dad too.

What do you think about showing him your thread? Starting the comversation and showing him you're really struggling?