Too late to change?

[theotheraether]

Since the beginning of my relationship with my now wife, we’ve had some major breaks and the pattern has always been the same. Initially I thought it was due to us being incompatible but mental health issues on both sides are the aggravating factor. This is something I’ve tried working on, with limited success as I’ve never clicked with a psychologist I found useful. When I let my wife down or disappoint her, she’ll bring up mistakes I made in the past and ways I’ve let her down before or how I don’t listen to her and do better the next time. This is fair. I try to be a better husband all the time but I struggle with anxiety and sometimes get paralysed and when I panic I usually get things wrong. I think she’s tired of that now. I tried to explain some of my reasons but she is adamant that I never change. I felt so powerless and angry at myself. She’s said she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want a future with me. I try really hard but when she’s having a rough patch with depression and anxiety and I’m have a tough patch with anxiety I just make things worse for her, being unsupportive and argumentative. I just get desperate because I want terribly for her to know I love her, but she insists my behaviour says I don’t. This has been a tough year for a lot of reasons and even though we both have struggles I want us to grow together through them, rather than letting them overcome me and wreck our marriage. I love her so much it aches. I want it to work but what else can I do? I know I need to be better managing my anxiety, but then it’s been difficult so far. Is it too late. Has my pattern of messing up ruined this for good?

[geoff]

Hello Theotheraether, thanks for your thread and sorry it's been overlooked, sometimes this can happen when the forums have been busy, I apologise.

I'm sorry you weren't able to connect with a psychologist, that's something we certainly need to happen, otherwise, treatment won't be the same as you had expected.

What's happened in the past doesn't mean the same will happen again, you need to walk away, you don't have to listen to what's been said or you can try and change the topic, you don't necessarily need to apologise for the past, because what's happening now can be totally different and to go back on previous problems may only destroy the good between you now.

If however, she is adamant you won't change and says she doesn't love you any more may only be her illness saying this, but you can only manage your own anxiety with the help from somebody else and not by a person who keeps on criticising you from the past, that won't help you to move forward.

Relationship counselling is an option and have you thought about this and if you're able to get back to us.

Geoff.