together for 30+years and he is depressed and has alcohol dependency

Kieffer · ‎30-04-2019

We met at 18, bought up two great children but now my husband is on medication but drinks every night. I work full time and on my holidays he had several episodes where I came home to slurring words. In one I was accused of having an affair ( faithful for 38 years so far) and he had no recollection of the other "discussions" about my short comings in various aspects of our life. I just seem to irritate him all the time and tonight he went to bed mid conversation about things happening in my work life, without having dinner. He had clearly been drinking and said he didnt want to hear about my problems with mothers at school or about my hobby. Seeing that I only have work and my horses in my life that sounds like he just doesn't care anymore. I am finding this really upsetting and this is a lonely period in my life. My children are gone and I really don't have any close friends anymore to talk to. I'm fine at work when surrounded by lots of lovely people but thoughts of being lonely creep in and go round in my head alot at home. I often cry on holidays now when I used to be the most positive person all the time. I try not to listen to the negative thoughts and mostly succeed but problems with my husband seem to have pushed me over the edge. My husband regularly drinks a whole bottle of red and several stubbies. I just don't like the person he becomes when he does this. I'm not sure if I'm asking you guys to help me or how to help him to stop drinking. He tries for a day or two to cut down but then hes back to it and lying about what he has had. 13 standard drinks a night is fairly common and at about 8 the sarcasm starts then around 12 the disagreeable man appears.Maybe I should see a councilor so I can unburden myself on them. I don't want to unload to people who will just get sick of hearing about it . When I do spend time with my partner and he is sober I still really enjoy his company.

geoff · ‎02-05-2019

Hello Keiffer, welcome and thanks for posting your comment, one that I can relate to, but won't explain everything because this is your own thread so just briefly I drank from when I hopped up until I fell asleep only because I was depressed, now I only drink socially.

My wife tried to help me but finally divorced me.

In your situation, you don't exactly know how much he has drunk, because what he says he has, probably isn't anywhere near what he has and by stopping for a day or so doesn't mean a lot because then he's back into it.

There are so many different versions of what an alcoholic is, doctors, psych's and the public differ in their opinions, the same as I have my own, whereas the person next to me agrees or disagrees, that's not the problem it's how the person thinks and whether they want to do something about it.

He will only stop when he wants to, no continual telling will make him stop, it has to be his decision, but yes, it would be a good idea to have counselling yourself because to cry when you are on holidays is certainly not good, and I do feel so sorry for you.

Do you have any thoughts about the future, except for him to stop, as I'd really like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Kieffer · ‎02-05-2019

I’m scared I’ll end up like a friend of mine who is 65 and lives with a nasty verbally abusive partner but can’t take the step to leave because she has too much invested in their farm. But I love my horses and if I leave, the major thing that makes me happy may not be possible. I’m not sure if I could keep it together if I lost them

When he is going through a period of high alcohol consumption I know that he will only last until about 8.30 at night or even earlier ( fall asleep at the dinner table in the chair ) so it’s really not that long that I have to put up with him.

i appreciate your advice on it being his decision. The last response I got when we talked about him not remembering the evening “conversation/complaint session “ was that he “ didn’t know what could be done about fixing the problem. Since then the red wine is out, the empty bottles are in the cupboard.

Would it have been motivation for you if your partner “ left” for a while? Do you think he would just say great and get stuck into the alcohol without the nagging wife round to watch him ?

Now that I’m back at work again the ratio of nice to not nice conversation is better! I actually feel happier than when I am at home with him. I don’t know what to do but I want to live with someone who is a nice reasonable person or I just want to be alone.