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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Shininglight Depressed husband suddenly left
  • replies: 1

My husband of over 20 years has suddenly left. We have three young children & we were a very close, fun loving, social family. My husband has struggled with mental illness since before we met & we have been managing this together over the years. His ... View more

My husband of over 20 years has suddenly left. We have three young children & we were a very close, fun loving, social family. My husband has struggled with mental illness since before we met & we have been managing this together over the years. His sudden walking out of our family has shocked & devastated us. The kids & I are really struggling to come to terms with it, our family and friends are completely shocked & saddened by it. He still sees the kids & says he's doing it to be a better dad. I have researched that it's common for sufferers of depression/bipolar to blame the relationship & the only way they think they can escape their inner pain is to leave & start a new life. That their feelings are so repressed, they fantasise about a new partner as the only way they can feel anything good. This is exactly what happened. Before he left, he was in a long depression - angry, snapping at the kids, withdrawn, unengaged & unmotivated. It was like walking on eggshells. He said he had been speaking to his psychologist about needing a temporary break from the family stress. It was a shock as he'd never hinted at something like that before. So he planned a trip away on his own for a week or so. A few days before he left he had a big night drinking (excessive drinking has always been a problem) & hit rock bottom the next morning with suicidal thoughts. The night before he left he said our marriage was a problem & 'we' hadn't been happy for 5 years!! This was the first I'd heard of it & I do not agree. While away, he made the decision not to come back. I immediately went into overdrive researching intensive therapy, writing a mental health plan, arranging marriage counselling, whatever I could basically. But little did I know after only 4 weeks he'd started seeing a friend of ours, someone we saw every week with the kids. I found out about the relationship and he turned immediately on me - rage, anger, awful manic behaviour, threats to cut finances. I'm completely to blame apparently for not looking after him. I spent 2 whole decades supporting him, forgiving all kinds of inappropriate behaviour, finding therapists, picking up medication, picking up the slack at home, loving him unconditionally. But he doesn't see any of that. He was severely depressed with delusional negative thoughts about our marriage, followed by a manic episode. Do you think he'll ever get to a point where he acknowledges & accepts what he's done & either regret it or at least show remorse?

EllieC Having a baby on my own
  • replies: 12

Hi all, 27 year old woman here Earlier this year I suddenly decided I wanted to have a baby. I'm not exaggerating by saying 'suddenly', I visited a friend in hospital after she gave birth and met her new little one, and in the space of that afternoon... View more

Hi all, 27 year old woman here Earlier this year I suddenly decided I wanted to have a baby. I'm not exaggerating by saying 'suddenly', I visited a friend in hospital after she gave birth and met her new little one, and in the space of that afternoon went from not really having any interest to desperately wanting to become a mum. Several months later this feeling has gotten stronger if anything. I think about being pregnant, the excitement of waiting to welcome a new life into the world, getting to hold my baby for the first time, looking at them and being so in love with them and proud of them. The catch is that I'm not currently in a relationship. I haven't been for a couple of years now, in fact. So there's no obvious candidate for a father. At my age it's not like my biological clock is running down, so I know that I could wait, see if I meet somebody I want to take that step with in the coming years, and look at other options if that doesn't pan out in time. I don't know if I want to wait that long though? It's just a really powerful longing I have. It's 2018, there are medical options like donor sperm for women who want to have a child and don't have a partner. I wonder though if I would be missing out on the opportunity to share that joy with someone I love? And whether my child might feel like there's something missing because they don't have a father - not just no father in their life, but not even a father than I could name or tell them anything about? Anyway, I know that in the end this is a decision I have to make for myself, but I'm wondering if anybody has any input... has anybody gone the route of having a baby on your own, or waited for a partner and been glad you did, or grown up not knowing anything about one of your parents and felt like it negatively affected you? Any thoughts in general about becoming a parent or the desire to have a child (or lack thereof, if thats the case for you)? Any thoughts appreciated Ellie

PNC81 Pregnant and alone
  • replies: 3

My partner and I have been together for a year and I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby which was completely unplanned. He wanted an abortion to begin with but there was no way I could go through with that. He's been complaining of feeling down ... View more

My partner and I have been together for a year and I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby which was completely unplanned. He wanted an abortion to begin with but there was no way I could go through with that. He's been complaining of feeling down a lot and has tried 3 different types of anti-depressants and said the last one was working but we had a big argument a week ago and he said he couldn't do this anymore and left me. He said he's stopped taking the anti depressants because he's revealed that they actually weren't doing anything and says he still loves me but it's not working and he doesn't know what he wants. I just don't know what to do to cope on my own or support him. Looking for any tips and support at all right now as I'm feeling alone and scared.

Bubz Married but feel like we are housemates
  • replies: 2

Since my husband and I got together, we've never been passionate. I always felt I could change this and create it, by living together, by getting married and having kids. We've been married for two years and still nothing, whilst we were trying for k... View more

Since my husband and I got together, we've never been passionate. I always felt I could change this and create it, by living together, by getting married and having kids. We've been married for two years and still nothing, whilst we were trying for kids, he was not really interested in having to have sex on demand and eventually told me that my weight was the problem. (I use to weigh 55kg, but got to 70kg) due to aging. We met when I was only 21 and he was 30, I'm now 28 turning 29 in December. I had an abortion the day I met my husband, due to a relationship failing with another person - it was unexpected and my ex wasn't interested in having a child. I fear that due to managing that loss, I attached myself to my now husband to deal with the grief, guilt and loss. Losing sight of our incompatibilities, we've never really had anything in common. Roughly 4 years ago we moved to another region away from our friends and my family. My husband started blaming me for why we couldn't conceive, saying it is likely due to my abortion and they possible damaged something. We kept trying for 1 year and finally got tests, turned out it was due to his low sperm count. During the course of this year, he would always knock me back sexually saying he wasn't in the mood or make the process awkward, I started to feel unattractive, worthless and just yuck. We don't really spend too much time together, he smokes pot and usually isolates himself in a separate room and watches videos. I started talking to another gentleman who befriended me, as my only avenue of interaction, I opened up to him and he's been consoling me saying I'm beautiful, amazing and deserve better. We've been talking for the past 6 months now, he has told me he loves me and I feel like I like him also. I just don't know if I should keep trying to fix and correct my relationship, I seek passion and appreciation where my husband finds these as a dream or expecting too much from watching movies etc. I feel compelled to stay with my husband as he is almost 40 without children and that leaving him for my own happiness would affect his future too much. I find myself flirting with the other guy as I like the attention, feeling of being wanted - all the things which are lacking in my current relationship. I discussed a divorce with my husband some months ago, he didn't want to loose me as he loved me. I told him what my issues were, but I feel like he is falling back into the old patterns.

Gwen_777 Feeling lost and exhausted
  • replies: 2

I’ve suffered with depression for many years...I’m SSRI meds ....at times I drink too much....ok I got into a really bad habit of drinking after work and I’m now cutting out drinking all together and exercising more....but I woke up this morning and ... View more

I’ve suffered with depression for many years...I’m SSRI meds ....at times I drink too much....ok I got into a really bad habit of drinking after work and I’m now cutting out drinking all together and exercising more....but I woke up this morning and was so sad and down.....I was at my bf house (we have dated for over five years) but only really see each other once or twice a week....and I just woke up and couldn’t stop crying....he knows all my issues...he’s in management and even takes part in depression education for staff members... but every time I get down or want to be alone...he just keeps thinking I’m with someone else or that I’m talking to someone else...he says he doesn’t understand why I cry and feel sad for no reason....sometimes I don’t even know🤷🏻‍ He is very successful and I only have a diploma and a low paying but fulltime stable job....he keeps telling me how much money he has and how much super he has and what his children will inherit and how everyone at his work thinks he’s an amazing worker....he’s very much an a type personality...if I want a rest...he thinks I’m being lazy....he’s told me that he feels he would never be able to live with me full time...He says he doesn’t understand why I say and do some things and why I can’t get out of sadness when I’m down....we had a big disagreement this morning because I couldn’t stop crying and I don’t know why...i said if I’m so weird why are you seeing me still after all this time.....I just feel lost (I’m in my late forties and he’s late fifties) I said something terrible he has two children to two different women and he states that both of his past partners have had non diagnosed mental health conditions (his diagnoses) ?? and I said I’m mental too...why do you keep picking people with mental issues?? i know I’m horrible and nastt

Bubz Married but feel like we are housemates
  • replies: 1

Since my husband and I got together, it's never been passion filled, always felt I could change this and create it, by living together, by getting married and having kids. We've been married for two years and still nothing, whilst we were trying for ... View more

Since my husband and I got together, it's never been passion filled, always felt I could change this and create it, by living together, by getting married and having kids. We've been married for two years and still nothing, whilst we were trying for kids, he was not really interested in having to have sex on demand and eventually told me that my weight was the problem. (I use to weigh 55kg, but got to 70kg) due to aging. We met when I was only 21 and he was 30, I'm now 28 turning 29 in December. I had unfortunately had an abortion the day I met my husband, due to a relationship failing with another person it was unexpected and my ex wasn't interested in having a child. I fear that due to managing that loss, I attached myself to my now husband to deal with the grief, guilt and loss. Losing sight of our incompatibilities, we've never really had anything in common. My husband started blaming me for why we couldn't conceive, saying it is likely due to my abortion and they possible damaged something, which really upset me. I started to feel really alone and isolated as I had no friends to talk to about this and how it made me feel. We kept trying for 1 year and finally got tests, turned out it was due to his low sperm count. During the course of this year, he would always knock me back sexually saying he wasn't in the mood or make the process awkward, I started to feel unattractive, worthless and just yuck. I started talking to another gentleman who befriended me, as my only avenue of interaction, I opened up to him and he started console me saying I'm beautiful, amazing and deserve better. We've been talking for the past 6 months now, he has told me he loves me and I feel like I like him also. I just don't know do i keep trying, I seek passion and appreciation where my husband finds these as a dream or expecting too much from watching movies etc. I feel compelled to stay with my husband as he is almost 40 without children and that leaving him or my own happiness would affect his future too much. I find myself flirting with the other guy as I like the attention, feeling of being wanted - all the things which are lacking in my current relationship. I discussed a divorce with my husband some months ago, but I feel like he is falling back into the old patterns. Is it me, am I just expecting too much - Am I a bad person, I would never physically cheat on my husband, but this emotional cheating makes me feel like I'm being selfish.

HeavyMetalDude Sometimes feels like I'm not allowed to be happy
  • replies: 1

How much giving is too much? This is what I've been pondering over the last couple of years. I have a family of takers. I know it's better to be a giving person, I pride myself on being that guy. I don't want anything in return. I just want to be hap... View more

How much giving is too much? This is what I've been pondering over the last couple of years. I have a family of takers. I know it's better to be a giving person, I pride myself on being that guy. I don't want anything in return. I just want to be happy. Im exhausted. There's nothing left for me at the end of each day. And when I do something for myself I carry a truck load of guilt with me. Is that called a thing?

Kahlilli The harm of neglectful parents
  • replies: 4

I know it's horrible to say but I feel some people just should not be parents. This includes known child abusers, domestic violence perpetrators and narcissists. My story is that my father is a narcissist. Not only did I have to try and cope with the... View more

I know it's horrible to say but I feel some people just should not be parents. This includes known child abusers, domestic violence perpetrators and narcissists. My story is that my father is a narcissist. Not only did I have to try and cope with the disadvantage of having mental illness, I got absolutely no support from my father. He was always too busy looking out for himself and doing whatever made him happy. I can only describe narcissists as like black holes that spew out toxic fumes at their ends. They don't ever give, they just constantly take. They never think of anyone but themselves. They see their kids as tools to get attention and appreciation out of, not as human beings that need to grow and that have their own interests, feelings and needs. I have severe self confidence issues because my father has never given me one look of approval or love, just looks of disgust. I became depressed at 11 trying to cope in a foreign country with no friends because my father decided that he wanted to live there (never once thinking of how his kids would cope). I expressed to him how unhappy I was and he physically kicked me and told me to shut up. I didn't bother bringing it up again. Just spiraled into depression. Then I went to boarding school and was bullied and got officially diagnosed with depression. At that point I had severe anxiety and insomnia. My father heard the diagnosis and then turned around caught a plane and just left me there. I got no help. My mother was more naive than nasty. She just didn't want to rock the boat and defaulted to whatever my father wanted. She didn't look out for us kids. She always put him first before the health of her kids. The amount of damage that can be done by neglectful parents is massive. No self confidence, no sense of self worth, long term depression and anxiety. And then when you bring it up as an adult they all have the same answer 'I don't remember that' when it caused so much psychological harm to their kids. Even now my father shows more love and approval towards the family dog than he ever did to me. I have no idea how to come to terms with the harm that was done especially because they choose to deny it.

KLB Seperated from partner with PTSD
  • replies: 3

I have separated from my partner of 21 years recently. It was what he wanted. He needed space and wanted to be more responsible for himself. While asking me for space he was seeing someone else. Its not the first time he has strayed. This went on for... View more

I have separated from my partner of 21 years recently. It was what he wanted. He needed space and wanted to be more responsible for himself. While asking me for space he was seeing someone else. Its not the first time he has strayed. This went on for quite a while.He was telling me everything was going to be ok and we would get through it, all while seeing her. He even asked the kids (20, 17,and 14) how they would feel about him having a relationship with her. I tried everything to make him realise he was making a huge mistake. He is no longer seeing her and we agreed to try and work things out. That was in December. I moved out of our house 6months ago and he has done nothing to try and work through any of our issues. I recently started going out on weekends and he is not comfortable with it at all. He now wants us to start going out together and work on things. He has PTSD (currently unmanaged) and I told him he needed to work on himself before we could try again and I feel he hasn't done that. He doesn't understand that we have to talk about the issues we had before anything can happen. He seems to think we can just pick up where we left off. He has given me nothing emotionally since I moved out. But is happy to drop sexual hints. I am so frustrated with him and I don't know how to make him understand things cant go back to the way they were. I feel he has left it too late and I don't know what to do. I am worried about his mental health as he doesn't have any close support apart from me and the kids. I am sick of it being all about what he wants.

Jdubs Relationship advice needed, or just general advice too
  • replies: 5

Hi, My partner and I have been together 3.5 years. We’ve been engaged for 16 months of that. We’re getting married in 8 months... He’s 7 years older than me but it really never feels like it until things aren’t great. im really stressed and anxious a... View more

Hi, My partner and I have been together 3.5 years. We’ve been engaged for 16 months of that. We’re getting married in 8 months... He’s 7 years older than me but it really never feels like it until things aren’t great. im really stressed and anxious and honestly a little depressed. I think it’s the cold feet but at the same time it feels deeper than that. I love my fiancé, there’s a lot I have done and will do for him. He’s a financial planner and he’s helped me a lot with finances. I’m really bad with money. I tend to be a bad listener, not because I don’t care I just accidentally drift off into my own little world while he’s talking. I feel awful for doing it but it just happens. I don’t always understand what he’s talking about and I feel kind of dumb. Sometimes we have small arguments about our lives. Our last one was about how bad I am with money, that I’m not physical enough with him. He told me he thinks I’m hooking up with someone else. He said “do you even want to be here?” I think about that argument every day since. It was months ago. I feel awful. The days pass so insanely fast for me, I have a million things on my mind at once and I just forget that intimacy is even a thing until it’s been 2 months of nothingness... before I got here to write this I was asking myself “am I even good for him?” He wants to move to the city. He’s one of the best students in the country for his degree. He has places he can go if he wants. I just feel like I’m this massive rock holding him back. I guess I just want to know if an outside person would think I’m being a rock?? I’m studying law, I work in a firm, I hate my job and I’m looking for a new one but it’s hard. I come home totally exhausted and sometimes all I want is just to curl up and cuddle on the couch with him but he’s really busy studying or working. So I feel upset, and then I feel bad for feeling upset because I think I’m being selfish. I just want to clarify hes never said to me that I’m a bad person, or a burden, or anything negative. He has voiced his feelings and we talked it out. Those are feelings I’ve developed about myself in my own insecurities. So yeah any advice on how I can better myself or how I should look at and address these feelings is much appreciated. Basically I just feel like a selfish person at the moment