Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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bellaheart WHY do I attract losers?!
  • replies: 18

Hi I am here to vent! I hope that is ok? I hooked up with a guy last Easter. That was all it was meant to be! He has no job, no licence, no car, no friends, no pets, no kids.....nothing other than a horrid ex housing trust house that he owns...oh and... View more

Hi I am here to vent! I hope that is ok? I hooked up with a guy last Easter. That was all it was meant to be! He has no job, no licence, no car, no friends, no pets, no kids.....nothing other than a horrid ex housing trust house that he owns...oh and his obsession with playing his guitar (very badly I might add). Meanwhile I am a successful woman with a great job and a lovely house and a darling child. I know...I can see it already just typing this! He very quickly infiltrated my life....he would never meet my friends...I never met his (as he doesn't have any)....I think all he does all day is play his guitar and play with himself?! He got angry right off that I was on RSVP....omg that was my red flag that I IGNORED?! Long story short I dumped him many a time and he would keep crawling back....it got to the point where I couldn't stand his bogan way of speaking and his constant interruptions and condescending manner (whenever I was driving somewhere he would act like the back seat driver...he has never even driven a car?? He is 41??). Yesterday I finally found the guts to dump him 100%. He had been ridiculing my son and nobody does that! He was coming over here; getting lovely meals (and his rocks off; which incidentally I NEVER did?!)..I spent hours (of my rare free time) working on his cv etc as he was apparently applying for jobs on Monday. I asked him Monday pm how the job apps went..he replied "I didn't do that I have been working on a new song"?! The appalling thing is that he texted me saying he has been totally miserable since seeing me?! I told him 'I would be miserable too if I had nothing to do all day'!! I know this may all sound really asinine but I am so furious..at myself! For tolerating him for even five minutes! I am on medication for anxiety as I have had a very traumatic life...this whole thing just makes me so mad at myself!! He is not the first guy I have wasted time on...my history is full of them!! I will not let this guy make me feel bad. I just don't get why these these type of guys all flock to me I am a very caring and compassionate person (maybe that is why?) when it comes to children and animals! Not so called 'men' in their forties who are obviously lacking in every aspect??? sorry for the rant BH

Lolue When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.
  • replies: 28

5-6 months ago I broke up with my bf, I instantly regretted it and wanted to get back together but my boyfriend said no as he has previously gotten back together with an ex and he said it lead to resentment. I really miss him. I tried going on dates ... View more

5-6 months ago I broke up with my bf, I instantly regretted it and wanted to get back together but my boyfriend said no as he has previously gotten back together with an ex and he said it lead to resentment. I really miss him. I tried going on dates but it felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest. I would stupidly msg him even though I knew he wouldn' reply. We also got angry at each other when I tried to organise to get a book back I ended getting his house mate' gf involved to help get the book back. This made him angry of course but I did get it back. Despite everyone thinking he' an asshole I still miss him and want to get back together. Despite him coming across as having an ego he does have his good points. I don' know what to do anymore.

citran86 Rletionship breakup help
  • replies: 2

Hi all, So short version is I was with a girl I loved for the better part of 3 years, proposed to her at 2 years and she said yes, had a son 6 months later but now she ended everything saying shortly after his birth she gradually stopped being in lov... View more

Hi all, So short version is I was with a girl I loved for the better part of 3 years, proposed to her at 2 years and she said yes, had a son 6 months later but now she ended everything saying shortly after his birth she gradually stopped being in love with me and didn't feel anything for the fact I proposed to her anymore. We're stuck living together for another few weeks until I can find another place, due to me not being able to afford the home by myself rent-wise and I don't want to force it on my son, and all I can think about is why didn't want to keep trying to fix things between us. I've asked but all she can tell me is it was something in her head and isn't something that can just be fixed like 'that'. I understand that but after making such a big commitment to her, my son too now aswell, I can't understand not doing more to do everything possible to make our family and 'us' work. There was no abuse, mental or physical. Sure I wasn't the picture perfect person when helping with things sometimes but nobody is however I have a son and stepdaughter from a previous relationship so I am well aware of what I should and should not be doing to support her and him. We were the best of friends during the entire time however now I find it so difficult to give her the time of day to talk to me, let alone about her feelings about everything because she chose this instead of speaking to me when it may have worked out. So I guess my main question to anyone is how do I look at her differently enough to let her talk about her feelings like she needs, maybe me also at the same time, when she has directly said that we are not going to get back together at all. Thanks, Rob

Colt Dealing with irrational accusations
  • replies: 6

I became separated from my de facto relationship of 20 years standing 3 months ago. Since that time my former partner has decided that she does not want to see me because she says she is scared of me, even though I have never been in any way aggressi... View more

I became separated from my de facto relationship of 20 years standing 3 months ago. Since that time my former partner has decided that she does not want to see me because she says she is scared of me, even though I have never been in any way aggressive, intimidating or threatening. Certainly not violent. Our two children are very comfortable in my company and come round to my temporary rental accommodation regularly. I have honoured my former partners request that I not attempt to make any direct contact with her and have only gone round to our former shared abode to pick up my son to take him out. I have made it clear whenever I needed to do that. I thought the passage of time would see her able to discuss with me an amicable settlement and have attempted to arrange some interaction through mediated communication with Relationships Australia, but she has refused to take part in that. Last week I received an email that she compiled with the help of legal advice. This email suggested what was presented as an amicable agreement, but I found it anything but that for several reasons. It also suggested that I had committed family violence, which I found utterly ridiculous since I have always considered family violence abhorrent and can not see how any of my behaviour could possibly be interpreted as family violence. So the question is - how do you deal with such an avalanche of false accusations? I have felt very betrayed and depressed because my former partner has a chronic illness, we survived on my income alone and I was essentially her carer for 20 years. None of anything that is happening makes sense to me. I have thought very hard about it (obviously) and have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. So I am comfortable in my own skin. It is still hard to deal with though. I got some very good advice from an old friend who told me that it is best to not get angry but to be firm about what I want. They seem to be good rules so I have followed them. Irrationality is still hard to deal with though. Has anyone else had to deal with this sort of situation? Thanks, Col

pepperxo How to give someone space?
  • replies: 1

When my boyfriend broke up with me it came as a complete shock, we were in such a good place, loved each other a lot and were both extremely happy together. He said he 'couldn't be 100% in it right now'. I found it/still am finding it extremely diffi... View more

When my boyfriend broke up with me it came as a complete shock, we were in such a good place, loved each other a lot and were both extremely happy together. He said he 'couldn't be 100% in it right now'. I found it/still am finding it extremely difficult to accept that since he means the entire world to me and all I want is a second chance at us. Everyone keeps telling me that the best thing for us right now is space but he knows everything about my mental health and anxiety. Things have been extremely difficult for me these past couple of months, with frequent panic attacks and just crying all the time. I was worried I was pushing him away but he said it wasn't my fault but I still blame me which hurts. He's the person I turn to with everything and being in the situation right now where I have no friends, this has come as a very difficult blow for me. I just don't know what to do, I'm sick of being upset and feeling so alone.

Deniseisascorpio How Can I Help My Mother in Law?
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie. My 85 mother in law (MIL) became an amputee (above leg) ten years ago. She’s never recovered, physically or emotionally. She lives with hubby, 83 (FIL) in a 3 bedroom townhouse high on a hill. She doesn’t drive and he won’t... View more

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie. My 85 mother in law (MIL) became an amputee (above leg) ten years ago. She’s never recovered, physically or emotionally. She lives with hubby, 83 (FIL) in a 3 bedroom townhouse high on a hill. She doesn’t drive and he won’t for long. She walks with a cane (rarely) or uses a wheelchair and is housebound due to the hill. Recently I found a 1.5 bedroom unit in an independent living situation, five minutes from where they currently live. It is immaculate and highly regarded. It is north facing with a beautiful garden outlook, on the ground floor, with flat access from the unit less than 50 metres to the dining room, library, and more. Every person I watched or talked to there told me how much they love living there, and staff greeted residents by name. The grounds are extensive, with beautiful gardens, lots of activities and places to be outside. Her best friend lives 5 minutes away and is allowed to dine with them any time. A deposit has been made at the request of FIL, who changed his mind the following day. He said he’s “not ready to move yet” because he wants to watch his potted pansies flower and listen to the races without headphones. We have about six weeks to decide and want to proceed. The quality of life for my MIL, particularly when she is a widow, will not present itself again. Alternative options require two-year waiting lists and cannot compare to the safety, security and happiness that this arrangement will provide to a severely incapacitated person. We have tried every gentle way we can to help them to see what great advantages there would be living in this place. I said they would only need a full fridge and overnight bags and I would do the rest. They also have six months grace in case they change their mind and can get all their money back, except the rent used to date. The MIL won’t say anything, and does what FIL says. He is quite brash and overbearing and has not taken her needs into account at all, or maybe is just unable to. Ongoing ACAT care has been arranged, so life will be comfortable and easy with many benefits they don’t currently have. They can do as much or little as they like, fully supported. They can even take a bus to visit their well-loved shops to do their errands, no driving required. How do we convince them (FIL)to take the chance, without browbeating them? Thanks in advance for your helpful suggestions xoxo

Blue_mountains Lost and lonely
  • replies: 1

I have suffered from anxiety for years & depression so far back into my teenage years that I don’t remember a time without it. I’ve struggled my entire adult life, with trying to find my purpose. What makes me happy. What I truly love. i walked away ... View more

I have suffered from anxiety for years & depression so far back into my teenage years that I don’t remember a time without it. I’ve struggled my entire adult life, with trying to find my purpose. What makes me happy. What I truly love. i walked away from a serious relationship w few years ago, because I was unhappy and I wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted. But now I look back and Wonder if I had of put more effort into working on the relationship and finding myself would it have worked? I have been in a relationship since with a man, who I now know was a selfish person. In whom was ignorant and unwilling to try and understand my anxiety. He left me when my anxiety was chronic, suffering from panic attack daily. I haven’t heard from him since. i feel lonely and lost. I don’t know what my purpose on this earth is. And how to find it. What do others do? To overcome anxiety and find there purpose in Life?

YasmineI1993 Expecting a baby and finances
  • replies: 4

Hiya, expecting my first bub next month in April. Currently on mat leave an opted for a year off to raise and be with my baby. We have recently moved into my partners parents rental house. My partner works full time aa a physio. I only have 18weeka p... View more

Hiya, expecting my first bub next month in April. Currently on mat leave an opted for a year off to raise and be with my baby. We have recently moved into my partners parents rental house. My partner works full time aa a physio. I only have 18weeka paid maternity leave and that’s it. I don’ t have a lot of savings, but i have personal loans to repay and credit cards and i am still expected to pay rent etc while not really hving an income. Is this normal? Should my partner be covering these types of costs for the time being? I am finding finances a hard topic to bring up. It’s really getting me down the thought of outgoing expenses and no incoming, not as much as i was earning working full time. Any advice of help will go along way, feeling very heavy and emotional everyday about this.

Lozzzz Depression/anxiety cycle of my ex boyfriend
  • replies: 4

We were together for close to 2 years, only recently just broke up in the last week. During the time we were together he would go through these 6 month cycles of change in behaviour, his moods would be up and down, his way of escaping would be to not... View more

We were together for close to 2 years, only recently just broke up in the last week. During the time we were together he would go through these 6 month cycles of change in behaviour, his moods would be up and down, his way of escaping would be to not come home at all or just not talk about anything at all. We broke up three times on three different occasions that these “episodes” would occur over the two years, each being around the six month stage. He was the one that would end it every time, it’s like he couldn’t deal anymore and there was too much pressure on him or he wasn’t sure what he wanted but he “still loved me”. Then a few weeks later he’d be messaging and trying to “take things slow” because it’s like he knew how good I am for him. I’d take him back and think we would be okay again, something in me just can’t give up on him because I know he was going through something and after all I love him. It was only the other day he admitted he was the way he was because of severe depression and anxiety and that was the day we broke up, I haven’t heard from him since but I still told him I would be there for him. His excuse was that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was and I need to move on and be happy. But it’s not that simple when you love that person. I’m starting to understand these cycles a bit more since the break up and thought maybe I did put too much pressure on him because I was unaware of what he was going through. I still want to help him but the balls really in his court now to make that contact. I still worry about him and the way he is feeling.

Guest_423 Can anyone else relate to this ?
  • replies: 12

I am grateful for many things - there is no violence in my life, I am not living in poverty, I do not do drugs (not even cigarettes), drink excess alcohol or gamble, I can afford to pay the bills and I do have friends. I have had problems with depres... View more

I am grateful for many things - there is no violence in my life, I am not living in poverty, I do not do drugs (not even cigarettes), drink excess alcohol or gamble, I can afford to pay the bills and I do have friends. I have had problems with depression and anxiety for a long time and it’s mostly due to my upbringing in a very dysfunctional family, and now there is not even one family member left, and I do not have a special man in my life either. I live by myself and as we all do I want to love and be loved. I want to feel that deep intensity for loving and being loved with at least one person. But that is not my situation and I am absolutely lost in my life because of it. I don’t know how to cope at the moment. I’ve been through this before and will get over it, but I also know it will come back.