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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Selfcontrol Married 35 years first time in trouble
  • replies: 18

Hello eveybody My wife of 35 years yes 35 ,had been distance and just different for sometime. I noticed quite a few changes over the past year yes all the usual, weight loss ,new hair style, new wardrobe, etc etc chuck in menopause and it’s been a tr... View more

Hello eveybody My wife of 35 years yes 35 ,had been distance and just different for sometime. I noticed quite a few changes over the past year yes all the usual, weight loss ,new hair style, new wardrobe, etc etc chuck in menopause and it’s been a trying time. No matter how many signs of an affair you want to tick she was ticking quite a few. After a few failed attempts at getting her to open up over the past year ,recently I asked her straight out are you having an affair this was met with a no. I let her know how I have been feeling I asked if there is something wrong anything we can talk through. I asked if she been asked out that has given her cause for thought this was met with avoidance not a no. I threw in a name that that I have heard. in passing conversation with me in the past One such conversation she mentioned was his wife had left him four months ago. This guy is a regular customer they see each other often. Thinking it was just coffee etc I was shocked to hear he wanted her to come away with him on a European trip. Yes he knows she is married She told me she declined. I asked if this no was a no that would let him know he is out of line. She said I just said no as he is a really nice guy This was some 4 weeks ago I asked if she has had any further contact with him ,yes nice guy....etc Then she let me know about a week ago he put this app on her phone so he could send pics while he was away. He doesn’t leave for another 6 weeks its a privacy chat app Viber he set it up. I looked through the contacts and I couldn’t see his name. After tears ,storm out etc Told me the assumed name she put him under. Did he do that? ..no she picked the name that on a quick glance it would look like an old female boss of hers. I am totally gutted she says she has no feelings for him. He is a nice guy 🤬 we’re just friends. She says she doesn’t see it that he wants it to be more I have asked all contact to cease which is possible she refuses to do this She says that’s controlling I let her know how that it hurts me. I can’t get her to see what this guy really wants from this holiday How does a guy get the confidence to ask such a question? I feel it was asking her to leave her husband and have a good time with me Even hiding his name shows she knew it was wrong but refuses to acknowledge that. What can I do or say that may help her see this friendship in a different light. She doesn’t want me to approach this guy. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thanks

Tropicana Left abusive husband. Sister in law is relentless!
  • replies: 8

After another abusive episode last weekend, the kids and I left. The police took out a DVO for me. Yes, the kids and I are safe. He has kept his distance which I’m happy about. his sister has been sending me text messages telling me not to take out t... View more

After another abusive episode last weekend, the kids and I left. The police took out a DVO for me. Yes, the kids and I are safe. He has kept his distance which I’m happy about. his sister has been sending me text messages telling me not to take out the DVO (not up to me) telling me I must have postnatal depression (I don’t - I’m depressed because of abuse, as anyone would be) says her brother is the gentlest person she knows (but then says she knows what he did and she’s “not happy about it). She also made comments about my personal appearance. i know it’s easy to say to ignore her but this is hard to cop. My mother spoke to my husband and said if there’s any chance of us coming together in the future, his sister doing this will leave it in tatters. He said he told her not to but I don’t think he’s done a good enough job or he hasn’t done it at all, or she’s ignored him. I don’t know. The police want me to make a report about her behaviour but I just don’t have the energy on top of everything else. I also do not want to speak to her. I have not responded to her at all. But I don’t deserve to be spoken to like this. She’s not supporting either of us. Did I mention she’s currently studying to be a social worker? She says she experienced abuse in her childhood as well. I’m just baffled at her behaviour and it’s really knocked me back in this whole thing.

MummaPetal Feeling guilty for wanting more
  • replies: 3

I've been married for 10 years and my husband has been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction and has sleep apnea. He is a good provider and father to our child. I feel very grateful that I've been able to stay at home for those first few precious years... View more

I've been married for 10 years and my husband has been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction and has sleep apnea. He is a good provider and father to our child. I feel very grateful that I've been able to stay at home for those first few precious years but now I've gone back to work part-time. Things sound great, right? My problem is that I feel very lonely and I feel guilty for wanting more in our relationship. There is no intimacy. My husband is often tired. I feel as if I do most of the parenting as a result. We have tried counselling together and he says everything is okay but it doesn't feel that way. I don't know how to reach him. Any suggestions?

jessemjim He wont divorce is ex. Am I stupid for being bothered by this?
  • replies: 4

Hi Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is 56 and I am 48. I have been divorced for 3 years and have a friendly relationship with my ex for the sake of our 3 adult children. My partner has been separated from his partner for 10 years although t... View more

Hi Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is 56 and I am 48. I have been divorced for 3 years and have a friendly relationship with my ex for the sake of our 3 adult children. My partner has been separated from his partner for 10 years although they were still living and sleeping in the same bed as friends - no sex up until I started seeing him at which time she moved out. the have a long history spanning 30 something years. I have never really understood his relationship with his ex. My boyfriend had a successful business and a His wife was cheating on him and had a gambling problem and basically gambled away all the equity in the home loan and he ended up with nothing. He left her when he found out she was cheating. They sold their home and that's when he found out there was no money to split between them. After a year or so he ended up living with her again apparently for the sake of their 2 teenage boys and as I said didn't leave until we started seeing each other. I have never been able to understand why he would stay friends with the woman who cheated on him and gambled away everything he owned???? We do not live together but see each other everyday. Recently he has finally agreed to take the next step and move in together but no matter what I say he refuses to divorce her. A part of me believes hes only agreed to move in with me because he knows I want more from him and he is afraid I will end it if he doesnt. I think he would be quite happy leaving things the way they are. He knows I feel as though he should get a divorce to show his commitment to me and close the door on that chapter of his life. He know it really really bothers me and that I don't understand why he wont divorce her and yet he doesn't seem to care. He says its only a piece of paper and hes not going to pay for it. He does have the money to pay for it if he wanted to by the way. Also the car she drives is in his name he organised that during OUR relationship because she is bankrupt and cant get a loan or insurance. Am I crazy to be even bothering with this guy or am I just being jealous and unreasonable. Why the hell would he go out of his way to help this woman and why the hell wont he divorce her??????

Zizzy Feeling like an emotional dumping ground
  • replies: 3

I have somehow become a go to person for people to dump their personal problems and i'm not sure how to deal with it. I have struggled with depression and anxiety on and off since my teens. Most people don't realise because outwardly I am a high achi... View more

I have somehow become a go to person for people to dump their personal problems and i'm not sure how to deal with it. I have struggled with depression and anxiety on and off since my teens. Most people don't realise because outwardly I am a high achiever and I try to be kind and empathetic. I lost a close friend to suicide a few years ago and since then I have really struggled to put boundaries in place with other people because I am conscious that I may be the one person they have to talk to. I have several close friends with anxiety or depression and I'm happy to support them, our friendships are balanced, they have a history of supporting me, and we have fun together. But in the past year there are a few people who have gravitated toward me seemingly as a dumping ground for their problems. They are people from work who always want to catch up for a coffee or lunch and then spend 45 minutes telling me how down they are etc. While I am happy to support friends through rough patches, these are people that I don't have established relationships with and I always walk away feeling drained. I feel like i've been giving so much time and energy to them that I have spiraled back into depression myself as a result. On top of that I have been going through some tough times with my family and when I reached out to one of these people for support she told me that she couldn't be there for me as she needed to look after herself. So after dumping on me nearly daily for months on end she can't be there for me when I need it. Looking over our "friendship" I can't point to a single time when I have felt valued or supported for who I am (other than as a shoulder to cry on). I also recently had someone that I barely know sit down next to me at lunch and spend a solid hour telling me about her depression. I walked away from that conversation feeling really down myself. As far as I know I didn't do anything to invite that topic of conversation and I really wasn't comfortable with it. I don't know how to get myself out of these situations without seeming like i'm mean or selfish, but I know that I need to otherwise i'm going to burn out. Any advice?

Dannyl Me and my girlfriend are both toxic for eachother but so in love
  • replies: 7

Hi all this is my first time posting, So basically the way me and my girlfriend met was through our problems with bipolar/depression, and so our relationship is very depressing sometimes. Now we both have been together for 11 months and my anxiety an... View more

Hi all this is my first time posting, So basically the way me and my girlfriend met was through our problems with bipolar/depression, and so our relationship is very depressing sometimes. Now we both have been together for 11 months and my anxiety and depression have gotten worse, when we met we both had friends groups that didn't like us so we both dropped our friend groups and spent all our time together. We are so in love and still are but my life has reached a point where my depression is so bad that i stay inside and the only time i leave to go somewhere is school that's if i actually attend which i don't some times due to my anxiety. I want my life back of track but she is holding me down and making me more depressed than i ever thought id be, I'm so in love with her and I don't wanna leave her but i generally think its the right thing. So basically my problem is, I'm very in love with this girl and I don't think i can leave her, but my life will more than likely turn out bad if i stay with her. So if anyone has any advice if i should leave her or not, and if i should leave her what is the correct way of going about this because if i do breakup with her she will have no friends or anyone to talk to and someone with depression as severe as her I'm also worried about the right way to handle this, but my main problem is actually getting myself to leave because i love her so much thanks

LittleCherubs I dont know how to take this
  • replies: 14

We were at my family yesterday for a birthday. My husband had one of my nephews' Nerf guns and was shooting me with it. I asked him numerous times to stop but he didnt. I asked him if he heard me and he said he did but just didnt listen. I dont know ... View more

We were at my family yesterday for a birthday. My husband had one of my nephews' Nerf guns and was shooting me with it. I asked him numerous times to stop but he didnt. I asked him if he heard me and he said he did but just didnt listen. I dont know if he is being childish or something else He has also set up a game now that when we play cards, the winner gets 15 mins of time to spend on favours and his are always sexual and I just dont have the interest. I feel too afraid to say no to him as im afraid to make him angry. I only agreed to do this so he wouldnt get angry and we wouldnt fight about the loss of sexual intimacy in our relationship (because of me). I dont know if I should be seeking advice from a service like 1800 RESPECT or to just play along so i dont rock the boat......

porcelain Hope always leads to depair, lonely life loving a depressed person
  • replies: 1

My partner first told me he had constant feelings of depression, after a couple of years together. He said he doesn't know why it always is there. Even though the events in his life should equal to happiness. eg family, wife, job. Immediately for som... View more

My partner first told me he had constant feelings of depression, after a couple of years together. He said he doesn't know why it always is there. Even though the events in his life should equal to happiness. eg family, wife, job. Immediately for some reason I felt guilty as if there was something wrong with me for not being able to provide "happiness". Nine years on, through so many ups and downs, behaviour that flat out breaks my spirit and leaves me feeling empty and alone. Moodiness and irritability coming from absolute nowhere. Reactions from same situations differing from week to week. Most painfully is he is mostly never there or aware in my extreme times of need. I continually get let down. I am the foolish one, continually here, believing somewhere he of course loves me. This has led to me having an anxiety disorder, and I am fearing I may head down the depression road also. I continually have 'negative phrases' my partner has said circulating my head . My partner feels no remorse for any hurt he may have caused. He says he does things because of me and I should be saying sorry. While I understand, I do say and do the wrong things sometimes, but I take responsibility for my actions and apologise. I tried to explain why I am feeling down and I was met with no support. He basically told me to snap out of it and i'm not the only one. He says I should be looking at all the things he considers frustrating and correcting them, and once I show my care for him, he will care for me. I continually accept that this is depression talking. However he has been on antidepressants for a time now (4 years), and while the downs aren't as frequent, I am still left to conclude that it is me causing the residual problems in his life? I yearn for my partner to see me. I feel very invisible sometimes.

Riva Adults who grew up in unhappy families
  • replies: 6

Hi, Hi, I have a question about how adults who have grown up in unhappy families can have a balanced life. After a lot of reflection and reading I think a lot of my anxieties, depression and feelings of inadequacy and not belonging stem from having g... View more

Hi, Hi, I have a question about how adults who have grown up in unhappy families can have a balanced life. After a lot of reflection and reading I think a lot of my anxieties, depression and feelings of inadequacy and not belonging stem from having grown up in a dysfunctional family. My parents were loving and caring but had gone through traumatic childhoods themselves and didn’t know how to do better. Overall, there was a joyless, hypercritical and lonely atmosphere. Movies often show how people who had terrible childhoods went on to have a lovely family life years later but I always wonder how likely that is. I myself have always struggled with personal relationships and now wonder if it’s just impossible for me to have a happy family life and should just accept that. I think the main ways in which I’m ‘messed up’ are the following: Unsure about what is normal to be angry or upset about, leading, to being unsure about how to deal with situations and when to move away from someone or to try to work things out. Ambivalence ++: need for love and affection but difficulty engaging in loving relationships. Having used sex in the past as a way of getting that love. I didn’t know how to make friends but knew how to get romantically involved with someone. Is this a sex addiction? Self-harm? I have a fear of losing my children once they’re old enough to realise how I am. Would they be better off if I divorced their father and let him raise them (so being involved in their upbringing from a distance.)? I guess I’d like to know from people who have experienced something similar or from a professional who’s dealt with this kind of situation. I should say I also take antidepressants. Thanks to all.

Falstad Girlfriend depressed and she left me. Help me understand her thought process!
  • replies: 2

Hey guys, Long story short and god it's a long and complicated one. My girlfriend (ex now) has had a mental breakdown and has been diagnosed with depression caused by Situational Crisis, can someone explain this better to me? I have an understanding ... View more

Hey guys, Long story short and god it's a long and complicated one. My girlfriend (ex now) has had a mental breakdown and has been diagnosed with depression caused by Situational Crisis, can someone explain this better to me? I have an understanding but what does it mean? When me and my girlfriend first met we were both going through separations and property settlement. Now we looked at houses put in offers ETC we planned to build a life together. Anyway I upheld my end of the deal and now she refuses to sell and her ex has moved back in with her and he was like "It's my house I'll do what I want". Now my girlfriend comes from a very abusive and controlling relationship from her ex and once this all happened about 3 months back she's just broken. Now her solution to EVERYTHING is to only break up with me and not be in a relationship with me but NOTHING else has changed. How does she honestly think this will fix her problems when she's still living with them day in day out? I'm trying so hard to understand it from her point of view but I just can't. I'm seeing a psych myself to try and help me understand. Now the fun parts. One day she is messaging me non-stop taking screenshots of our video calls and editing it with a face saying "I wish I was laying on your chest". She tells me she loves me and wants me but when she's with me it just confuses her. She is madly and deeply in love with me and I honestly believe that but how can you love someone that much and not want to be with them? I have offered her SO much support and tried to be there but I feel like I have dug the hole deeper by doing that but I don't know any other way. She said to me if I had been doing what I'm doing now 6 months ago she would of been on social media bragging about how I'm this perfect guy best boyfriend ETC. But to her at the moment she think's I'm out to get her. I have loss my cool at her a few times because of her ex and I can see what he's really up to (and so can EVERYONE else around her) he keep's asking about me keeps telling her not to talk to me his behaviour is escalating and it's only a matter of time before he bashes the life out of her again. I have officially given up today I told her that and I'm at a loss what to do and how to deal with it. There is so much more to our story EG we tried for a baby fell pregnant and her ex caused her to miscarry... which would put a bigger spin on things but I'll leave it at that for now. I love her so much.