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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Always_a_Mum The Great Divide
  • replies: 1

I am a mum to one daughter, who is now 30 yrs old with 2 sons (6 and 4). My daughter has declined into smoking dope, shopping around for prescription drugs and has now been taking illicit drugs. She was raided by police and is now on a 6 mth good beh... View more

I am a mum to one daughter, who is now 30 yrs old with 2 sons (6 and 4). My daughter has declined into smoking dope, shopping around for prescription drugs and has now been taking illicit drugs. She was raided by police and is now on a 6 mth good behaviour bond. Her partner and father of the boys has enabled her habit, but has had a wakeup call and speaks with me freely and honestly. My daughter on the other hand will not. I called her out on the lies she told me over the phone – I became very upset as this was the day I found out she had been taking illicit drugs (I also told her the state of her house was absolutely disgusting, which it is) – she became very defensive and later left me a message to say this is the last time I would hear her voice, as “I never support her”. Unfortunately now, her father (we divorced some 12 years ago) borderline alcoholic, who has married a much younger woman who is also into drugs, has communicated to advise our daughter that she is to have no contact with his wife. He has brought me into his text message several times – which give the impression we have conspired or ganged up against her. As my daughter will not speak to me, I am unable to explain that I had no input to the message from her father and was unaware he was going to include me. Her children were sent to their father’s parents for 6 weeks, while she and her partner tidied up their act and their home. The boys are now home, and I would have to say I am a little worried about them. DOCS have also been involved, but only to the point of visiting the older boy’s school How do I move to mend this relationship with a super defensive daughter. I miss her very much.

PamelaR Supporting partner with anxiety and depression through grief
  • replies: 4

Hi all It's been 10 days or more since I've posted in the forums. I've just travelled interstate by car for a funeral for one of my partner's family members. What can I say. It was exhausting, the travel, the sleepless nights in strange places, the f... View more

Hi all It's been 10 days or more since I've posted in the forums. I've just travelled interstate by car for a funeral for one of my partner's family members. What can I say. It was exhausting, the travel, the sleepless nights in strange places, the funeral, the unexpressed emotions by my partner and his family. While I love my partner and his family dearly, they have difficulties expressing how they feel. This ultimately culminates in my hubby and I having 'hissy fits' with one another. Driving and living 24/7 with my partner during this time drove me nuts. I want to scream, yell, curse, do a dummy spit, pull my hair out. It's excruciating, but I'm getting through it. Home now and my cats, once they'd forgiven us, are my stabilisers. Hubby has gone off on his own - peace, quiet and ability to do my own thing. Hmmmm...... I sound terribly unsupportive don't I? Well, this is not quite right. He's had my undivided attention, much talking, much love. Just need a little space to breath and do what I want to. Now to let go of my own grief. I've known the person (let's say A) for over 30 years. Since I met my hubby and went to family get togethers. Many diners we had. Such a lovely soul, who'd do anything for you, whose life was good. Rest in peace A. Thoughts go with you. I have a pain in my chest that won't leave me at the moment, think it's only anxiety from all the upheaval of the past 2 weeks. I just need rest and time out for myself I think. Supporting others when you have your own mental health issues is difficult. It's so important to take care of yourself too. Does anyone have any experiences they'd like to share here? Feel free to do so. PamelaR

Guest_1050 Sabotaging a new friendship
  • replies: 2

I met a woman at my workplace who is a visiting psychologist. I'm female & a couple of years older than her, she is single. Some months ago she suggested we meet for coffee. I never took her up on the offer until about 4 weeks ago when I suggested we... View more

I met a woman at my workplace who is a visiting psychologist. I'm female & a couple of years older than her, she is single. Some months ago she suggested we meet for coffee. I never took her up on the offer until about 4 weeks ago when I suggested we meet outside of work. I should preface this by saying that I am very happily married & this is not a romantic attraction. She arranged for us to have a night out & we went out for drinks on the weekend. It was a great night where we spent about 4 hours just talking & getting to know each other. It turns out we have a lot in common & we clicked straight away. After that night we sent the occasional friendly text and I suggested we go out for the day on the next weekend. We had the most brilliant day and both commented on how much we enjoyed each other's company. I'm a highly anxious person but usually keep it fairly under wraps and don't often let the outside world see it. After we spent this day together and I enjoyed it so much, I continued to text her on the days after and would only continue to text if she replied. In her texts she told me how blessed she feels to have met me. We were both on holidays for the next 2 weeks & I'd often send her a text & ask her if she wanted to meet up. She'd been helping a friend with her house and often wouldn't text back until the night & be apologetic that we couldn't meet. I like this person so much - she is fun, a great listener, positive & just someone I want to be around & have as a really good friend. Unfortunately I think I have pushed myself on her too fast and too quickly. I am usually the one to initiate texts and my recent offers of getting together have been turned down with legitimate reasons. Last week when I saw her at work I felt like she was blowing me off and this has made my anxiety go through the roof and caused me to overthink everything. She has told me in texts not to overthink everything and that we are fine. I really want to spend more time with her but don't want to come across as needy and clingy. How can I continue to develop this new friendship without seeming desperate? It's never been in my nature to be patient and wait to be contacted by the other person. I really thought she was keen for this friendship too but now I'm not so sure and I don't know how to proceed. My thoughts are further complicated by the fact she is a psychologist and this affects my responses too as I worry she thinks I am crazy!

LH1990 Hello
  • replies: 2

Hi, first time poster here. I don’t know if I have anxiety, just stressed or an issue. I am 28 years old and what I worry about seems so stupid. my partner has been given notice of redundancy (2nd time in 2 years) due to company administration and it... View more

Hi, first time poster here. I don’t know if I have anxiety, just stressed or an issue. I am 28 years old and what I worry about seems so stupid. my partner has been given notice of redundancy (2nd time in 2 years) due to company administration and it has sent my stress levels through the roof on how are we going to get through and money worries. I know this is normal but I can’t turn off we are engaged to be married and I can’t see us been able to afford it so I feel like cancelling the whole thing (it is in 2020) but still worries me, I am thinking what if we have a kid it would be even more stressful. I also have this strong feeling of I have no friends / people don’t like me. I.e his mum I feel she favours his brothers wife and also his brother over us and we are just left out. Example when his brother went away she would pop over 3 times a week to see the gf but I doubt she will even contact me. I also worry that people just find me annoying or needy etc and I have to be liked. i am looking for ways to cope with this and get better control. I currently go go to the gym, I speak to my mum about it, I have a dog who is a huge comfort it is just all me.

Eshizmi What to do when it seems you have exhausted your support network?
  • replies: 2

Hi. I recently joined beyond blue as I feel I need to outsource further support. I have slowly started to feel like my family are growing tired and expressing the need for more boundaries. As a result of this when I feel anxious or down from my Bipol... View more

Hi. I recently joined beyond blue as I feel I need to outsource further support. I have slowly started to feel like my family are growing tired and expressing the need for more boundaries. As a result of this when I feel anxious or down from my Bipolar I no longer feel comfortable going to one of them. Instead I take it on board myself. I know that I can only cope so long like this so eventually I will buckle but I am also aware that people have a limit. The hard thing is accepting for myself that this is life long, which means it is life long for them also. I don’t want to be the one who holds people back. I feel for my husband as it was after our first year of marriage that I became mentally unwell. He didn’t choose this life but because he is a good man he has stuck by me. I feel guilty. I don’t want people to avoid me because I exhaust them. I am seeking advice about what else is out there, please?

GeneP An outside opinion on feelings of doubt with a 5 year relationship
  • replies: 1

I've been with my partner for 5 years since I was just out of high school. For the first few years of our relationship I was so blindly in love I never had any doubt that I wanted to be with them, but over the past few years as I have matured a bit a... View more

I've been with my partner for 5 years since I was just out of high school. For the first few years of our relationship I was so blindly in love I never had any doubt that I wanted to be with them, but over the past few years as I have matured a bit and started to think about what I really need from a relationship (especially in the long-term if we stay together) feelings of doubt about the relationship have started to grow. I'm a very emotional and sensitive person and most of my feelings of doubt about the relationship stem from me feeling my partner doesn't care about me as much as they should or at least doesn't show me they care as much as I need . Every day I tell them I love them, ask them how their day was and I make sure I ackowledge and say thank you for things they have done around the house, whereas my partner has never asked me how my day was (this seems trivial but I really notice) and I feel they don't take an interest in me or what is going on in my life. It's really started to affect my self-esteem and acceptance and makes me feel like I just want a partner who cares about my life and is there for me when I am overwhelmed with life and am going through a stressful time. We recently bought a house together and since my partner is quite a bit older than me they have started to talk about getting married and having kids in the next few years. I honestly don't know if I even want to have children and definitely not in the near future. I think it's unfair for me to go on with this relationship if I'm having these feelings of doubt and my partner wants to start taking these next steps with their life that I am not ready for. Most of the time I love this person and can't imagine myself with anyone else but I just don't know if I can get over their issues with intimacy and being unable to be as emotionally supportive as I need. I know these issues would just get worse if we were to have children together. Do you think this is something someone can work on? Or are some people just less emotional than others? I want to work through this if it's possible but i just can't see a way at the moment. Any outside opinions or experiences from those in a similar situation on this would be helpful. Thankyou

Troy75 My Wife has depression and my support is like a ghost...
  • replies: 6

HELP! I need advice about becoming a more supportive husband... I have finally realized I need help. My wife suffers from depression/anxiety and I have done nothing to support her for 15 years. Our marriage is like a yo-yo. We can go days without spe... View more

HELP! I need advice about becoming a more supportive husband... I have finally realized I need help. My wife suffers from depression/anxiety and I have done nothing to support her for 15 years. Our marriage is like a yo-yo. We can go days without speaking or even looking at each other to a normal relationship of love and caring united front. The picture of our world to others would look perfect. I run a very successful business which allows my wife to be a homemaker, with school drop/pick-up for our children. She is a delight to people around her, the best daughter, sister and friend to all. However it is a mask... I get the raw end of deal, I get the moods, the yelling, the BS! So I just turnoff, I cannot deal with it. For 15 years I have been a silent partner when the depression comes, the worry hits her face... I run for the door and escape. Or I fight it and tell her to get over it and relax, it is no big deal... how wrong am I... Little things trigger this, from wanting to give away the kids baby car seat, to a disagreement about the smallest thing like coffee .... everything comes back to a fight about her and now my condition of mental health. I say we aren't helping each other and the yo-yo effect kicks in. I just don't understand it, why does this matter? I find myself resenting her, she is too much for me?? I question it consistently... . I am out making the dollars why she is home in her world without any agendas.... I have found myself looking at her and my feelings are not nice..my reactive behaviors are becoming sarcastic and hurtful to us both .. I made a promise "In sickness and in health..." so to commit and change I desperately need advice. I dislike speaking to the professionals as they have never experience what I am going through, or more importantly my wife is. I would rather get experienced people who have or are getting through this.... this forum may throw up some much needed education. Thanks for reading.

Kate_Palais My husband has anxiety and I'm struggling
  • replies: 1

My husband has anxiety and low self-esteem. We usually get on fine and communicate well, but I really struggle when he is suffering from an acute episode. I want to support him, but frequently end up feeling hurt and upset myself. In these episodes, ... View more

My husband has anxiety and low self-esteem. We usually get on fine and communicate well, but I really struggle when he is suffering from an acute episode. I want to support him, but frequently end up feeling hurt and upset myself. In these episodes, he perceives something in my every-day words or actions as malicious, or he hears something insulting in my tone of voice that I'm sure isn't there (at least it's certainly not intended). Things that he usually wouldn't raise an eyebrow over now end up with him feeling outraged by my "callousness", or listing every negative thing I've ever done, and no amount of apologising or reasoning can calm him down. I feel attacked for my normal behaviour that I can't comprehend could be perceived as hurtful or insulting. I want to be supportive, but at the same time I feel like I'm just leaving myself open to being hurt and attacked for something that I feel is perceived on his end rather than given on mine. I attribute this to his anxiety as when he's feeling better and calmer he apologises for his behaviour, and says he had been feeling stressed at the time. I still find it hard to get over the hurt that lingers from his words after these episodes end. I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice. Thanks.

Nan-nan Brother-like friend no longer has time
  • replies: 2

I live alone, have no partner, job ¬ much family support, am awkward around most people but make self socialise ev. day even if that's just gym or coffee. I have a few friends I rely on that I catch up w' regularly. One of them is like a brother, we'... View more

I live alone, have no partner, job ¬ much family support, am awkward around most people but make self socialise ev. day even if that's just gym or coffee. I have a few friends I rely on that I catch up w' regularly. One of them is like a brother, we've been friends15 yrs.He recently got a demanding job, and is studying. He used to have time for me & has said on many occasions that our friendship matters to him. As well as that he has started advising me on my mental health issues. I think I shouldn't have OK-ed that because there now seem to be conditions on the friendship. He said I need counselling once a week for a year or more, and have people in place to check in with. Very sensible ideas, and he offered to be one of those check-in people. I started looking for a counsellor and we started doing this regular email exchange thing but that stopped because he has no time now. He tells me I need to let go of my fear, (he doesn't say what of) but I wonder if maybe he needs to let go of his need to make me into the person he thinks I should be - even if being that person would make me happier. He's not my teacher or my shrink. He is my friend. Or at least I hope he still is. I would be devastated if he stopped bothering to contact me like he has been doing all these years, but that's what seems to be happening. Friendships change, people change, people move away from each other sometimes. I know that, but I am keeping myself together partly by knowing my friends are there for me. Is that really so much to ask? I'm there for them as well, doesn't that mean anything? I need to learn to have conversations with more people, make more friends. Because the first Q so many people ask you is "What do you do", I have to say, well, I don't have a job but.... But by the time I have said that much, you can see the look on the other person's face. The connection is over before it has even been made, it happens all the time. I am involved in a few community groups and garden for people as well as my own garden. Even so I feel so empty when something happens to make me doubt that someone important thinks well of me. I have been to psychologist but she is 140Ks away. Am on waiting list to see another counsellor closer to where I live. In the meantime I have taken up meditation and will endeavour to do that every day for the rest of my life. They say it really helps.

ChunkyTom An extremely difficult break up
  • replies: 12

My depression caused me to lose someone extremely important to me. In June 2017 I met who I consider to be the love of my life. She was a newly single woman who had just separated from her long term husband. She was tall, blonde, career driven and ab... View more

My depression caused me to lose someone extremely important to me. In June 2017 I met who I consider to be the love of my life. She was a newly single woman who had just separated from her long term husband. She was tall, blonde, career driven and absolutely stunning. She was unlike any one I had ever met before. She was intelligent, witty and so incredibly sexy. She was special. Our relationship continued for the best part of a year. It was full of love, indulging and laughs but also a lot of heartache. We grew extremely dependent on each other for everything. We broke up so frequently only to apologise and go back to exactly the same behaviors the next day and pretend everything was fine. This was mostly due to our unresolved personal issues projected onto each other. This was mostly because we threw ourselves in the deep end by living in each others pockets almost instantly. I grew jealous and insecure like I always did. I craved her validation. She was snowed in with the pressure her divorce was having over her. Her ex partner was a nasty human who wanted to ruin her financially. I was so fixated on keeping this relationship together I forgot to look after myself and the other aspects of my life that I cared about. She talked about breaking up with me to focus on settling her divorce but I resisted. I couldn’t even begin to imagine a world without her. I resorted to behaviors I am not proud of. I would threaten suicide or I would hint to leaking secrets that could threaten the outcome of her divorce and career. I had become worse to her than her ex husband. She loved me with all her heart and she cared about me, but she knew what we were doing to each other wasn’t healthy. On top of all that she was now scared what I would do to myself or her. We remained in our toxic relationship. To cut a long story short she eventually decided enough was enough and asked for space. I unfortunately was unable to give it to her and pushed her away to a point where she now wont speak to me. I have used the time (1 month) to focus on my mental health. I have become extremely self aware of my underlying issues and have started to rewrite some of my core beliefs. Unfortunately I still feel a lot of pain towards losing her. Not a day goes past when I don't think about her or want to call her to apologise for just how bad I was. I know it is still too soon. I also know its possible we may never get back in contact again. What do I do?