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Married but feel like we are housemates

Community Member
Since my husband and I got together, it's never been passion filled, always felt I could change this and create it, by living together, by getting married and having kids. We've been married for two years and still nothing, whilst we were trying for kids, he was not really interested in having to have sex on demand and eventually told me that my weight was the problem. (I use to weigh 55kg, but got to 70kg) due to aging. We met when I was only 21 and he was 30, I'm now 28 turning 29 in December.

I had unfortunately had an abortion the day I met my husband, due to a relationship failing with another person it was unexpected and my ex wasn't interested in having a child. I fear that due to managing that loss, I attached myself to my now husband to deal with the grief, guilt and loss. Losing sight of our incompatibilities, we've never really had anything in common.

My husband started blaming me for why we couldn't conceive, saying it is likely due to my abortion and they possible damaged something, which really upset me. I started to feel really alone and isolated as I had no friends to talk to about this and how it made me feel. We kept trying for 1 year and finally got tests, turned out it was due to his low sperm count. During the course of this year, he would always knock me back sexually saying he wasn't in the mood or make the process awkward, I started to feel unattractive, worthless and just yuck.

I started talking to another gentleman who befriended me, as my only avenue of interaction, I opened up to him and he started console me saying I'm beautiful, amazing and deserve better. We've been talking for the past 6 months now, he has told me he loves me and I feel like I like him also.

I just don't know do i keep trying, I seek passion and appreciation where my husband finds these as a dream or expecting too much from watching movies etc. I feel compelled to stay with my husband as he is almost 40 without children and that leaving him or my own happiness would affect his future too much. I find myself flirting with the other guy as I like the attention, feeling of being wanted - all the things which are lacking in my current relationship. I discussed a divorce with my husband some months ago, but I feel like he is falling back into the old patterns.

Is it me, am I just expecting too much - Am I a bad person, I would never physically cheat on my husband, but this emotional cheating makes me feel like I'm being selfish.
1 Reply 1

Community Member

Hi Bubz,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It's totally understandable, given what your husband said about your weight, that you would feel unattractive. But I want to assure you that 70kg isn't very heavy. I don't know your height but even if you are short, 70 is a healthy weight. I'm sorry your husband blamed your weight for your inability to conceive so far, that was wrong of him. Incorrect, and also cruel. And BTW even if you were overweight, that doesn't mean you're not attractive! Plenty of curvy ladies have got it all going on, it's all about attitude and knowing what you want.

There's also no evidence that abortions cause later infertility. And in any event, you say it was your husband's sperm count after all, so that ought to put that issue to bed. But it sounds like your hub doesn't want to face the fact that it's his issue, not yours. This isn't uncommon in men who sometimes feel having a low sperm count equates to not being manly enough, which isn't true at all.

It also sounds like there is a general disconnect between you, and that perhaps you've never felt truly connected to your husband. Is that right? It definitely seems you want more from this relationship than you are currently getting, so I guess you have 2 options.

1, you can address this more firmly with your husband, express your needs clearly and ask that he talk to you seriously about them. Don't let him dismiss your feelings. You might want to contact a counsellor to help, if your hub will go. It's okay to have needs and want them met. As long as you're asking for reasonable things, if he loves you he will be willing to accommodate you, as you should be willing to give him some of what he wants, as long as he's being reasonable too.

2, you can end your relationship, or at least take some time out so you can both decide what you want. A trial separation perhaps.

You already know I sense that you should keep the other man out of things until you work out where you and your husband stand.

Also, it is not your responsibility to manage your husband's future if you can't come to an agreement about what you both want and need. Staying with him because you're worried what he's going to do without you, only leaves you out in the cold. And probably isn't what he needs anyway. It doesn't sound like he's any happier in the relationship than you are. Maybe you ought ask him just that--are you happy with me?

Good luck