The weight of loving someone who won’t get help

[Malto2001]

I have been dating my boyfriend for five years. Throughout our relationship, we have both experienced ups and downs with our mental health and have always tried to support each other when things became difficult. The difference is that for a long time now, my boyfriend has refused to seek professional help.

He has severe OCD. For over a year, he would not hold my hand or let me cuddle him at night. He could not kiss me without immediately washing his mouth afterward. He would not go out on dates to eat and struggled to do even basic things on his own. This affected me deeply. I felt lonely, unwanted, and at times worthless, but I never told him that. I did not want to make his struggles about me or seem selfish. I did tell him that he could not keep living this way and encouraged him to get help. He eventually saw a psychologist, but he hated the experience and said it was useless and did not help him at all.

Alongside this, he struggles with depression. He views the world through a very negative lens and often cannot function because of how heavy everything feels for him.

Recently, he had a serious health scare involving the possibility of cancer, and we are still waiting for results. I am terrified that I might lose him.

We went on a holiday over Christmas, and once again his mental health took over. He would not swim with me. We were at the beach in a beautiful place, and while I swam alone, he sat under a tree on his phone. I cried in the water because I felt so alone despite being together. He was in a bad mood and, out of frustration, called me dumb. He has never spoken to me like that before, and I can see that his mental health is getting worse.

It is not always bad. He does thoughtful things for me like surprising me with jewellery or snacks. He tells me he loves me every day, and we have been talking about buying a house together. I know he loves me.

I brought up the way he spoke to me and told him it was unacceptable. I explained that no matter how angry he is at the world, he cannot take it out on me and I will not tolerate being treated that way. He apologised, and we had a deeper conversation. For the past two years, I have been begging him to see a psychologist or at least look into men’s groups or other support services.

During that conversation, I told him how much he was struggling being with me constantly on this holiday and asked how he thought he would cope living with me full time. He said he did not know and admitted that he would struggle living with me and did not think he could do it. That felt like a bomb going off.

I told him that I cannot move out, build a life, or have children with someone who refuses to take steps to manage their mental health. I told him I am exhausted from begging. He then told me that he had never pictured or planned a future with me because he believed he would have seriously harmed himself by now. That was another bomb.

I feel completely heartbroken. I have stayed with him through everything, through the hardest moments, and now with his health scare and his mental health spiralling, I feel like I am about to lose him. My heart feels shattered, and I truly do not know what else to do. 

I’ve been unable to sleep at night without him near me, or I just cry. I feel like I’ve lost him. I’m so anxious about everything to the point my body shakes, I’ve never felt like this before. What do I do 

[Picture]

Hi Malto2001 - This sounds like a very difficult situation. I am sorry you are going through this.

From what I can see you could either leave the relationship or continue to be struggling in the relationship with no clear path forward. It sounds difficult and complex and I think it would be worth seeing a counsellor for professional advice. 

Thinking of you and hope you can be kind to yourself and look after yourself during this hard time.

[ViolettaZ]

Hi Malto2001,

Thank you for trusting this space and sharing what you’re going through.

Supporting a partner with neurodiverse can take a lot of patience, understanding, and emotional energy, especially when you’re also dealing with fluctuations in your own mental health. It makes sense that this feels heavy.

I agree with Picture’s suggestion that you could consider seeing a counselor together for couples counselling. These sessions can focus specifically on your relationship with your boyfriend and help both of you feel heard and supported.

In addition, I encourage you to prioritise yourself. It may help to reflect on whether you feel happier being with him or not being with him. You could even make this more concrete by visualizing it—for example, keeping a simple tally of how often you feel happy versus how often you feel upset. There’s no rush to decide anything, but your feelings are important information.

Whatever you choose, I hope it’s a choice that prioritises your wellbeing and happiness. You deserve care and kindness too, just as much as anyone else🤗

Warm regards,
ViolettaZ

[therising]

Hi Malto2001

I believe true love is found in evolution. We could say to our partner or someone else we love 'I will work hard to change/develop in the most constructive of ways because of my love for you. Nothing will stop me from trying to evolve'. The same can be said for self love. We could say to our self (in front of the mirror, if that's what works) 'I will work hard to change/develop in the most constructive of ways because of my love for you. Nothing will stop me from trying to evolve'. It is one thing to be all talk of love, such as with 'I love you' which can be said 100 times in a day yet actions speak volumes. It can be such incredibly hard work, to act in loving ways. It can involve hard work finding a different psychologist. It can be hard work making greater sense of why we think and feel in the ways we do. It can be hard work gaining a greater understanding of our self and our triggers and emotions. It can be hard work acting in constructive ways that can also feel like a form of mental and emotional torture at times. So much can involve what feels like an enormous amount of hard work at times yet if it's done out of love for ourself and/or another it feels worth it. It's easy to do what's easy and that is stay in our comfort zone. We can be more in love with our comfort zone than anything else. Hard not to love what gives us a sense of peace or relief. 

Malto2001, it's obvious how much you truly love your partner. You have been working so hard to develop your tolerance, your understanding, your patience, a more open mind, deeper ways of feeling (especially through empathy). You've been working so hard to try and imagine ways forward for the both of you, ways that take into account your partner's challenges. You've been working hard on what sounds like a daily basis, a weekly basis and a yearly basis for the past 5 years. There is no question when it comes to how much you have evolved over time because of your love for him. You have evolved into someone incredible in the process.

I've found, through my marriage, there must be a balance of love and loss. Kind of like 'What am I prepared to lose based on my love for my partner?'. 'Am I prepared to lose some sense of comfort for the sake of the growth of the relationship? Am I prepared to lose some of my questionable belief systems that don't entirely serve the relationship? Am I prepared to lose my limited way of thinking or imagining, in order to open my mind?'. I've found the ultimate question to be 'Am I prepared to lose who I naturally am in the process of evolving, to the point where I barely recognise myself?'. It's amazing what we can give up in order for our partner to experience their comfort zone (not that it's entirely comfortable).

How do you see or imagine yourself evolving, through self love? Btw, I think there are times where our partner will do some hard work if they feel like they're being left behind, based on us moving forward through self loving actions/ways of evolving.❤️

[Psychdiaries2]

Hello,

Thank you so much for your open post. I’m sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are going through right now in your relationship. 

First off, you sound like such a strong, patient person. You have the best interests in mind for your boyfriend and want him to improve. However, you have been begging him for years to seek help for his mental health, and he seems like he is not willing to improve. There is really not much you can do here, since I think that someone’s health is really their own priority. Yes, you can encourage them to seek support, but if they refuse and don’t work on themselves, then that is not your fault. You’re doing the best you can, and that is enough. He really needs to make the decision on his own to get assistance and heal. 

I see how tired and hurt you sound and that is totally valid. It’s ok to feel that way. You have been doing the right thing supporting him this whole time. However, if this relationship is taking a toll on you and he continues to lash out on you, then it is time to reflect on what you want out of this relationship. Where is this relationship going? If you do not see a future with him anymore, then it will be time to discuss this with him. It’s ultimately your decision, and it’s what you feel. 

Please also take care of yourself and your own mental health, it is so important. You are strong and can get through this. Feel free to reach out anytime. If you need more support, I would highly recommend speaking to someone who trust in your life, or the phone service here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor I hope you have some clarity and peace soon. Wishing you the best ❤️