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The man I thought I would marry keeps breaking up with me because of his depression (but makes up a million other excuses)

Poppy66
Community Member

I am currently sitting in a public library absolutely heartbroken and lost. My boyfriend (now....ex I suppose) has broken up with me yet again after going through a series of down days. This is about the fifth time he has done this and each time he spirals down and down until I can't help but check on him. I have borderline personality disorder myself and after a past of ups and downs I am finally feeling good and we have been incredibly happy together. I took so many measures to make sure we had a healthy relationship that didn't involve us becoming dependent on each other. We have helped each other so much -wether its being there to talk, driving over to see one another, forcing each other to go to the gym and generally enforcing healthier mental health habits.

The only problem is....whenever he gets down/ 'in a rut', he gets paranoid (particularly about my use of social media) and will pick tiny issues then blow them out of proportion until he thinks its enough reason to break up. Eventually he will admit that he's trying to push me away and I deserve someone better etc etc etc.

I only want him. I've tried taking him to the doctor, listening to him, cuddling him at any time he needs, calling his mum to check in with him and brining our dog over to play...each time he feels a little better and is super grateful and loving......then it happens again.

What can I do? I am madly in love with this man! I've had other relationships before, but this feels like the real deal to me and I can't bear to see him hurting, even if he's hurting the people who love him right now 😞

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi poppy, welcome

Ok, sit back and lets see what I can offer. I hope I can help.

We cannot diagnose of course but his flip flop actions remind me of more than depression. Whether that be bipolar (I have it), or very deep depression is a question I'd pursue an answer to if you are chatting.

Mental illness of course is commonly living in the extremes of behaviour. If his medication isnt just right his stability could be suffering.

As a plan "b" what if he wont seek medication dosage changes, psych appointments etc? What if you have run out of tolerance? In some cases (like my own) both partners can assist each other with their mental disorders. But some become toxic because they arent stable...in those cases it sets off a vicious circle of dependency and rejection.

I've had 4 very long term relationships in my life and each time I've split with the last lady I was heart broken as you are now. However, a future partner might not have the instability and spontaneous behaviors this man has. And you'll love him just as much if not more.

Food for thought.

Take care. Repost anytime

TonyWK

TonyWK thank you for replying to me so quickly!

Unfortunately he has blocked my number at this point but I spoke to his mother today just to let her know that he had said some disturbing things and although he wouldn't admit it to his family at this point, he is in a really bad headspace.

When he broke up with me, he alluded to the fact I was the last thing keeping him tied to life and I would have a better life without him...

He flip-flopped about ten times during the one conversation though and becomes another person entirely when he is having a severe down period -even though he is generally the loveliest kind of person you could imagine.

He has so many amazing qualities and brings so much happiness to my life to the point he has helped me completely turn my life around! It's hard to let go of a person like that. Im so lost :(Also worth noting, although I am 26 and he is 27, I am his first proper girlfriend ...presumably because he hasn't wanted any girl to see this side of him?

Thanks

The old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink" applies to those that need medical intravention and he does because of him mentioning suicide many times.

So dont feel guilty talking to his family. You've warned them.

But, he is not stable enough (ot seems) to be able to maintain a solid relationshop. This isdue needs him to get some GP guidence

TonyWK