Teenage daughter

[N888]

My relationship is not good with my 20 year daughter and she is rebelling against us. I need advice please.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing difficulties in your relationship with your 20-year-old daughter, and that she is rebelling against you. It can be challenging and distressing when there are conflicts within the family.

I guess my only question would be ... how were things this time last year? or 2 years ago?

Is it possible your the daughter is looking for independence? 

Perhaps you could try to establish an open and non-judgmental line of communication with your daughter by creating a safe space where she feels comfortable expressing her thoughts and emotions? And both be willing to listen without interrupting or becoming defensive.

Listening ...

[tranzcrybe]

Children grow up very quickly...

Parents take a little longer.

[N888]

Hi, it all started a year ago. When she meet this girl at Uni and everything went down hill from there. She is always yelling at me, blaming me for everything and im the problem.

She doesnt follow the rules, pushes the boundaries, makes bad decisions.

Im not the perfect mum and I have faults. But im mentally exhausted. 

There is no more respect anymore between parents and children.

[N888]

Yes, they want to be treated like adults but act like children. Im struggling with all the arguements. Im mentally exhausted.

[therising]

Hi N888

Definitely not easy when our kids go through years of an intense trial and error process in order to gradually discover who they are. I can remember a lot of what I put my own mum through which is one of the many reasons I respect her so much. I smile when I say my mum was so happy when first realising I was raising a little girl just like I was. My little girl is now 20 and I have to say she's raised me well as time's gone on. I also have a 17yo son who would have to be the most easygoing guy around.

I used to see my daughter as 'the challenging one', in a bad way. It was easier to gravitate towards my son based on him being less stressful. I often favored the child that was easier to manage and my daughter felt that in a lot of ways, something the 2 of us worked through some years ago. It took some time for me to realise that yes my daughter was the challenging one but she was challenging me to develop in a variety of ways:

• She's raised me to be more reasonable (be able to give and accept valid reasons), not just simply say 'That's the way I was raised'
• She's raised me to get a better feel for how she feels
• She's raised me to be more open minded. With my mind closed around what I thought was best for her, I wasn't allowing her to find what was best for her as well as what didn't work along the way
• She's raised me to be a negotiator. I like to see a compromise as a common promise between people, where boundaries are negotiated

etc. In the process of raising me this way, she has become more reasonable, more open minded, more feeling toward me and more of a negotiator and boundary re-setter. Mutual respect wasn't always there, it developed over time though a lot of hard work, occasional yelling and tears and exhaustion from both sides.

Of course, there are still the occasional arguments or fights but, hey, everyone's fighting for something. We're fighting for our kids to develop good habits or to not to be hurt or face deep regrets and we'll fight with them so they won't rest on bad habits or enter into choices and actions where we know there will be some level of hurt and regret. They'll fight with us to gain the freedom to be who they want to be.

I have to say it wasn't 'til I was about 30 that I began to think 'I wish I'd listened to my mum more'. In a lot of cases she did know better. These days I tend to listen to her more carefully, while recognising her advice for what it is...guidance 🙂

[geoff]

Hello, children who are now adults believe that everything they do or want to do is exactly right and won't listen to a parent who thinks differently, and when there is no agreement, that's when they start to rebel, then they won't do what you ask them to do or go against any ideas you suggest.

If she has met a girl at uni then this could stretch the boundaries you're against, but the more you try and tell her it's not appropriate, the more she will digs her heals in.

She is now 20, an adult so telling her what to do doesn't work any longer and the more you do, the more distance between the two of you will develop.

You can ask her to move out if you want to.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[N888]

How do i start to repair our relationship. Can you please advise me where to I start? She now has a boyfriend of 1 week and she is rebelling even more....

[N888]

Thank you for your great advice. How did you improve your relationship with your daughter? Im so desperate to mend my relationship with mine...😪

[smallwolf]

The best way I feel I can respond is by a short story (and true), but I will skip the intro ...

I was talking with someone at work. I had just started schema therapy with my psychologist. The long and short if it was that I felt robbed of a childhood.

The other person asked me if I ever rebelled against my parents.

I said NO. 

The other person them told me about her relationship with her own daughter and how her daughter said she was the worst mother etc. I cannot remember when (what age) she might have been.  And the said I need to rebel (in order to be/find/claim myself).

FWIW... I am early 50s.

She also said that her daughter came around... again not sure what age.

What I can say is that "children" in early childhood or when they go to Uni and may/will challenge their parents' views and decisions in order to establish their own paths. This can include choices regarding education, career, relationships, and personal beliefs.