FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Stuck

Guest_4593
Community Member
Im stuck..im the youngest of 4 . I was the go to child for my parents.. my parents divorced l bought the family home with my mother .all siblings move in and out now my mum lost her job and i feel like I'm going be taking care of everyone my whole life.. and i haven't had a life yet i never will. My siblings left had kids moved in and out and im just the stable home.. but i see no way that ill ever get my own life and i think its to late
5 Replies 5

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi again,

There is ramifications being a "giver".

Eventually you'll be taken advantage of and others expectations will be that you are always there to continue with the ground work.

As I see it you have little choice but to wean yourself off this cycle with the eventual goal of moving out. Find your own pad. Talking to relatives will likely fall on deaf ears.

Good luck
TonyWK

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi 4593,

I don't believe we are ever truly 'stuck' as our choices ultimately rest with how we feel about the present situation, and the extent to which we wish to extricate ourselves from it.

"l bought the family home with my mother" - indicates that you have a vested interest in the property which adds complexity...

  • Selling the home and dividing the proceeds proportionately would facilitate independence although with mutual imposition
  • Depending on finances, one or the other could buy out the home and come to some agreement to rent back from the proceeds or construct a second dwelling/granny flat to maintain personal space
  • With approval from the relevant authorities, you may be able to convert the home into two dwellings with a view to strata title, hence providing independence and a choice to sell as required later on

Fundamentally, however, while you are caring and kind enough to provide assistance wherever you can, there is no obligation for offspring to do so. The conversation with your mother/family about your boundaries and need for separation of interests is most likely the first step to reaching an understanding. You might even be surprised that these feelings may be mutual.

Have the conversation.

Regards,

t.

Tay100
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Guest_4593

It sounds like you are wanting to be more independent and want to live your life for you, is that right? And not caring for others all the time even though they are your family and you love them? If so, it sounds like maybe seeking some healthy distance may be helpful, if you can. Maybe you could ask for more help with your day to day tasks, and plan in time each day where you focus on you- something relaxing and not about supporting anyone else. Let us know what you think- happy to brainstorm solutions with you!

Tay100

Guest_4593
Community Member
Tay 100, tranzcrybe, white knight, thanks for the advice. We all understand family is not simple. Id be lucky to have u all in my family. Stay safe and happy. Ur all amazing

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Guest_4593, we have to ask ourselves what we've done in the past in situations that keep reoccurring but nothing has been achieved, and often ask 'why' but each time it maybe different because each person and their circumstances change, but how much time are you wasting on doing things that don't work, rather than concentrating on yourself and what works for you and could be right under your nose.

Even though you're concerned about your family, you are unsure how much support they will be in the future towards you and what you expect may not happen, that's why this is now currently the foundation you need to build on for your future, and it's impossible for anyone wanting to become strong and healthy, if they don't look after themselves.

Your family should not have to rely on you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.