Stuck on the edge of a needle

[DeepBlueOceans]

I'll try my best to cover all the key details as effectively as possible. I am a 23 year-old male that recently finished a three week hospital stay w/ ECT to alleviate treatment-resistant depression. Since I have returned home, I have noticed the following:

• I have more understanding of what I want to achieve in my life and what I need to do to work towards the goals.
• I feel more assertive and can more clearly articulate how I'm feeling.
• I am more easily frustrated and quick to give up on things (usually this results in immediately jumping to self-harm or drastic measures).
• I pick up on things I don't like about my friends and family. Namely, pushy family members, lack of timely responses from friends when texting, time wasting, etc.

I have started making short and long term goals for 2021 and planning what I want to spend my time doing to make a difference. I'm just very concerned because I don't think I'll even make it to the end of ECT course as self-harm no longer bothers me. As it currently stands, I have no regular psychologist and my next appointment with a new psychologist is scheduled for early June.

The only thing that makes me happy day-to-day is to talk with people on social media and try to make people laugh. If I'm not texting other people and receiving compliments, interest, or engagement, I feel like lashing out because I see no value in my life. Because I'm so unstable, I'm not allowed to drive or drink any alcohol, and I work from home permanently because going out stresses me.

Has anyone else experienced the feeling of being so jaded by life that self-harm just becomes incredibly easy? How do you find value in your life again such that being alone doesn't distract from goals and you learn to accept/love yourself and not derive all happiness from the words of friends/family? Would it be worthwhile to go back to the hospital?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Deep Blue Oceans, 

We are really sorry to hear that you have been having such a difficult time recently. We also want to welcome you to the forums and thank you for being brave enough to seek support. It is a tough thing to do but a wonderful step to take. 

We think it would be useful for you to speak to us on our phoneline which you can call anytime on 1300 22 4636. We have also reached out to you privately to make sure you are safe. 

We hope that you are feeling ok today and that you reach out and give us a call if you need. Or, you can always try Lifeline on 13 11 14 if you prefer. Please remember that if you feel that you are unsafe that this is an emergency and you should call 000.

Welcome again to the forums and please feel free to update us on how you are feeling if you feel comfortable doing so.

Kind regads, 
Sophie M

[DeepBlueOceans]

Hi Sophie,

I have tried calling the provided number (1300 224 636), but no dial tone occurs. I think I will reach out to my psychologist for now. I just want to find out from other forum members regarding any similarities in personal experience or thought patterns, etc.

Thanks,

Blue

[Guest_3256]

Hi there.

Sounds like you might need to invest in some self-compassion - learning to give yourself some TLC.

Depression can be a mind field, overwhelming, it can be ruthless, painful, excruciating, annoying and out of this would weird. In saying this, our minds are really amazing at making us feel bad, making us hate ourselves, doubt who we are, make up things in our minds, project things that are not real and so on.

Would you could do is thought control - when you start to think of any negative thoughts:

1. Stop - stop thinking negative thoughts.
2. Pause - breath - clear mind.
3. Appreciate thee beautiful things about what you did today.
4. LOVE - love yourself & love others.
5. Live - Breath, feel, smell and touch things around you.
6. Know - that you are a beautiful and gorgeous person who has so much positive energy to share.

Good luck, I know it's not much to offer but I like things nice and simple: Also, a final note; the feelings you shared are really quite normal and it's healthy. It's the natural way for the body to get back up again after falling down. Just not so critical on yourself.

[Juliet_84]

Hi DeepBlueOceans,

I remember being like this some years ago and lost enjoyment in everything and wondered what the point of it all was. I was keen to get this life over with and contemplated ending things a number of times. Then the funniest thing happened, I had a cerebellar stroke at the age of 30. And in the moment I thought I was going to die, my life flashed before my eyes and I found myself making a deal with god to just allow me 10 more years, to travel the world and see the Eiffel Tower. Since then I have had a newfound appreciation for my life and I’ve come to appreciate how transient it all is. I’d like to say I live each day like it’s my last, I did see the Eiffel Tower after I recovered but some of that feeling wore off. However I do still have that appreciation that life is transient, nothing in this world is permanent, not even our problems as they say. That may seem like a fatalist attitude but it helps me feel better