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Stuck in limbo

Discobox
Community Member

My husband and I have decided to seperate after 7 years. I can't say he is a bad person but over the years we have had our problems with him watching porn instead of being intimate with me, going home with two women (drunk) after his 30th birthday (he claims nothing happened) and just generally being a sour, negative person. He has sought counselling, but goes to one session andtakes medication for a month then stops. His drinking became an issue recently and we got into a heated arguement (while both drunk. It was the first time I had drank like that in a very long time and everything I had been annoyed about came up. He is introverted and quiet and I am the opposite, it feels like I have a son rather than a husband and partner. We are now living in the same house in seperate rooms and giving each other space to sort things out. He is going back to his GP and reorganising counselling. I just dont know if I should sit around and wait, or start moving on. Ihaven't given up on us yet, I feel like I should though.

Any advice is appreciated ✌

9 Replies 9

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Discobox~

I'm sorry things have worked out as they have. Your marriage sounds pretty difficult however after reading just a few lines of text I'm not sure how good any advice I might give is going to be.

I can say one thing. For me a marriage is a partnership where each person enjoys and wants to be with the other, loves them, wants to make life as good as they can for that person, and is able to receive comfort and support from that person and knew they can rely upon them. Maybe I'm unrealistic to think everyone will be as blessed as I have been.

Such a relationship is worth battling for, however you are the only one who knows how likely it is. Admittedly if after seven years his behavior is such that you feel you are looking after a son it would seem he would have to change a fair bit.

I'd imagine if he had been taking medication, even for a short while, he must have been diagnosed with an illness, can you say what it is?

Do you think that alcohol is one of the major causes of strife at the moment (it sounds as if it was on his 30th)? Perhaps if that was out of the equation he might find counseling more productive. That being said giving up drink, especially if it has become a coping mechanism, can be extremely difficult and he may wish to think in terms of outside support.

So far I've talked about things as you see them, do you know what your husband feels about things? Does he want the relationship to improve and you to feel less like you are in an unequal situation, or just keep going in a manner he finds comfortable?

Croix

Discobox
Community Member

Thanks for your reply Croix,

For him I think alcohol has become a coping mechanism, he drinks when he is stressed and I suspect when he is bored and lonely. Since the arguement he has gone back on his medication and has arranged counselling, however he has done this before. He has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. All due to his childhood of bullying and just nasty sour parenting. Another issue we have is he has never bothered to make friends of his own because he claims he has social anxiety. His social anxiety has never stopped him from tagging along with me when I go out with my female friends (girls nights out). As for the porn and what happened after his 30th, he always has an excuse.

The porn really struck a nerve with me because I caught him 3 days after I had given birth to our son. He was hiding it, and that annoyed me more. The 30th is because I took our children and his cake and presents home and told him to go enjoy himself with my brothers. Apparently he made a bee line for these two women when he got to the club and left with them at the end of the night. He always has a negative comment when I try to achieve anything, when I got into UNI 'yay, more debt' when I was asked to apply for a high paying job 'I hope you dont hate it like the one you have now'.

He has made an effort, he has not touched alcohol since the arguement and called up a work colleague to go catch up with him for a coffee. He even finished off little projects around the house that have been left aside for months. The problem I have is, this has happened before. It was good for a while and then slowly he slips back into his old habits.

I do not want to keep going back and forth like this.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Discobox~

I do not want to keep going back and forth like this

Of course not, I doubt many could deal with such swings. I don't really have any suggestions as I would think improvement has to come from him wanting it.The only thing that springs to mind is encouragement, which I'm sure you would do anyway. The argument with those home truths must have already stuck a nerve.

PTSD, anxiety and depression can be hard, they are my diagnosis too. Continued treatment with meds and therapy have placed me in a much improved condition, so there is hope - provided he will get the proper help.

From the sound of things he is not in that good a place. The remarks about your uni and the possibility of your getting a better job seem to me to be put-downs to bring you down to his perceived level. With destructive parents self esteem suffers.

I'm pleased to hear you have your own friends, hopefully they provide a contrast to problems at home and some relief. Do you have anyone you can talk to frankly about your situation? When I was very ill my wife had her mum there to support her, and it made a lot of difference to her.

Croix

Discobox
Community Member

Thank you Croix,

I do have a lot of support around me and only keep friends in my life that I can be open and honest with. Unfortunalty they are not very supportive of my husband but they listen to me and alough me to vent everyday. I do think my husband needs to work on himself which is why I asked for the seperation. I think he needs time and space to remove all the garbage that he has been carrying around. I just dont know if i should keep my own life on pause while he does so.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Discobox~

I can't really offer anything on the question of wait or move on. I'd guess it really depends -at least at the logical level - firstly if you want the relationship to repair, and secondly if you think separation will provide the motivation for your husband to stick to a regime that can help him.

Right at the start you said you "had not given up on us", perhaps I'm reading too much into that statement but it looks like you might want the relationship to become what it should be. If that's the case them I suppose it becomes a judgment call, do you think this time he will improve long term? The picture you have painted so far is not exactly encouraging.

All this is not much use to you I'm afraid. Boils down to want, hope, being realistic.

I'm glad you have support, it makes a world of difference not to be alone at times like these. Please know too you can talk here as often as you would like not matter what happens.

Croix

My advice: make this chance his last one. If he regresses again, you should leave. Too many women wait on men to change. Sometimes you have to do what is best for yourself because life is short. Also you should weigh up any change you make- what are the odds that the next relationship will make you feel worse than this one? I would say odds are in your favour if you leave.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear discobox,

Reading your post, I get the feeling that you know that his behavior is nowhere near acceptable for a partner and deep down know that he is unlikely to change. But it can be extremely hard accepting that fact and the loss of the happy relationship that you so badly wanted. But he’s had 7 years to show you the man that he is, so you have to believe what he’s shown you. If you aren’t there yet and still want to give him another chance, then that’s your decision to make, but even if he behaves himself, will you just be waiting for him to drop the act once he’s won you back over and is comfortable again? It’s tough and I don’t have any of the answers, just some things to consider. I wish you every happiness, whatever you decide x

Hi Juliet_84,

Thank you for replying, what you are saying is exactly right. He has made several cracks in our relati onship over these years and been forgiven each time. He improves and then slowly turns back to his comfort zone. This last arguement has lead to the longest seperation we have had, honestly I am enjoying the time away from him. He is sticking to his doctors orders and has done a 360 with his attitude, but as you said I am just waiting for him to stuff it up again and go back to "normal".

I wish I knew, it is a lot to think about. I agree with you though, too many people sit around waiting for change. Moving forward is scary to think about however, I find myself thinking about how our home and cars ect would be divided. I think he does too because he has purchased a car and caravan and they are in his name only.