Hi Caughtbetween
I feel for you so much and can relate to the challenge of questioning within a long term relationship.
While I can be a practical kinda gal and acknowledge the importance of stimulating chemistry relating to endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin and all that kind of love inducing exciting stuff, when the chemistry in a relationship disappears I like to also consider natural reasons for a loss of attraction and a loss of excitement.
I'm a big believer in the idea that we're naturally designed to evolve, reaching higher and higher levels of self understanding and personal growth. I supposed you could say we're designed to graduate to 'next level' on a continuous basis throughout the whole of our life. Regarding my own marriage (of 23 years), I feel like I've been stuck on the same level for quite a number of years. It's definitely challenging in so many ways. When life feels a little like 'the same old same old', there's no excitement like there used to be. There can be a lack of attraction toward a partner who's no longer raising us or rising with us to new heights and when there's not a lot of new and exciting stuff (including goals to look forward to meeting), it can become somewhat soul destroying on some level. I suppose you could compare a relationship to starting a really exciting computer game. The first 5 levels can be really exciting with there being new challenges, achievements and more on every level. At level 6 you might get stuck for months or even years. The result? Boredom, dissatisfaction, a sense of hopelessness, a lack of attraction to your relationship with that game and so on. In this scenario, the question becomes 'Is our gaming partner also bored with that same level or are they happy to stay on that same level?'. Good communication will help find the answer and the answer will determine the course of action. One course will become about 'What are we going to do, in order to graduate beyond where we're at?'. The other course is more so about personal evolution, 'What am I going to do?' or 'What do I need to do, in order to evolve beyond this stage?'.
My husband is someone who's happy in his comfort zone and has been for years. He could happily stay on the same level in our relationship for another 10 years. Personally, I can't do a lack of evolution. While there is a sense of comfort in not facing next level challenge, there is also little joy, sense of achievement and sense of adventure. Not good for the soul or chemistry. While I have zero interest in finding a new 'gaming partner', for me it's more so about person growth or self development. This is the area in which I gain my highs and sense of graduation in life. A word of warning: If our partner is happy to stay on the same level in the relationship and we are happiest when it comes to constantly graduating to higher and higher levels, this tends to naturally create greater and greater distance. You begin to feel the distance or sense of separation more and more.
