I don't know what to do.
I feel like I've got no where to turn to.
I'm not sure where to even start this post.
I just know I'm not happy. I feel stuck.
My marriage isn't a happy one for me.
Nothing I do is good enough.
I've just turned 36, and feel like I'm at breaking point.
I feel like my issue began when I was 23 (2011). I was dating a girl I went to primary school with, who I reconnected with when we were 20. We dated for almost 4 years, she was a member of the Jehovah's Witnesses, I am not religious. But we loved each other and had plans for the future together. Or so I thought. It ended when she told me via text message, that she was pregnant with another man. That was the end. There was no follow up, no last phone call, no last time seeing each other.
Took me around 18 months to be ready to date again, (August 2013) and that's when I met Aimee* .
From the first date, it felt like we did whatever she wanted, when she wanted. Looking back now, I was just desperate to have someone in my life, so I went along with anything without thinking if its what I wanted. 12 months later, engaged. Married 12 months after that.
First few years were fine, few arguments here and there, but nothing major
She got her brother to get me a job at his workplace, and i've been there for almost 8 years now.
Work supplies me with a phone and a car. My wife tracks my phone so always knows where I am.
I can't even stop at the shops on my way home without being questioned as to why I've stopped.
I constantly get verbally abused at home, sometimes over something as small as I didn't load the dishwasher correctly.
Mind you, i work 40-50 hours a week, she works 20 hours a week. (when she doesn't take sick leave)
We don't have kids.
I know i need to leave her, but I don't know how to. Everything in my life is tied to her, and Im scared to start life again with absolutely nothing.
Over the years, she's alienated me from my entire family. I don't speak to my brother or sister, and my relationship with my parents is strained at the best of times. All because if my wife doesn't like something they said, I 'need to have her back, because I'm her husband' Something as simple as my parents parking in front of the neighbour's house once, instead of in front of our house, was enough to cause her to call me every name under the sun. I've resorted to self harm multiple times in the last few months, cause i feel like physical pain takes away the mental pain.
Life shouldn't be this miserable.
