Struggling with relationship

[Kitty1991]

Hi everyone,

my partner and I have been together for 10 years and engaged for about 5-6 years. I am the only one working and we struggle on a single income and are unable to save any money. I find this so stressful, I always have. I am always researching better ways to budget and trying to cut down on spending, but the money in and out doesn’t really change. I try really hard to provide my partner what every he needs/wants. I manage the money so he can travel several times a year to go visit his family, and this means I cannot visit mine. I get to visit family for Christmas approx every 2-3 years. I try and talk to my partner about the budget and how I need help but I am always told that it is my money and my problem. I guess I have been living in fairy land because I really thought as an engaged couple we should be working towards similar goals, but we are not. I was diagnosed with depression a year ago. I told my partner, explained the side effects of my medication etc... About a month ago I was told I now have extremely severe depression and extremely severe anxiety. Not really coping to well. My partner forgot that I was depressed... I struggle to leave my house without a mental breakdown.
I have asked my partner to go to couples counseling with me because I am not happy and struggling.
He has agreed to go but he doesn’t think it will help with my depression and anxiety because I must have some cognitive issues. He flat out refused today to even consider getting a job, as he refuses to be subordinate to someone, and that I am really shallow for wanting more money. I think I am looking for security and support. I am now freaking out that I am shallow and greedy.
Also freaking out about the potential of us breaking up, I have never broken up with anyone before.
Am I being too unreasonable? Does anyone have experience with couples counseling? Will it help or make it worse?

[geoff]

Hello Kitty, if he is unable to hold a job, whatever it is, then the writing is on the wall and if he says he's doing a uni course, I'm not sure he will get to first base, the video games are his priority as well as watching youtube, everything is focused on him and his needs, that's not 50:50 and it will be a struggle now and in the future.

I can't say what you should do, but he will always have an excuse to feather his bed and that's not what you want.

Geoff.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Kitty,

We should never be sorry for being ourselves. If we feel we deserve more from the relationship because of our own needs, then we are well within our rights to bring this up with our partner, and try to work something out. What I've learned thru my failed relationship, is that in a relationship, each individual is responsible for their own happiness. If there's something upsetting you about the relationship, we speak up for ourselves to get our needs met. Otherwise we'll be feeling resentful for the rest of our lives for not being able to fulfill our own needs. I feel, a change in requirements happens in a relationship because it is needed in order for the relationship to grow and strengthen. There will certainly be conflicts and turmoil when change is introduced, but if couples can work together to deal with changes, then there's always room for growth. Otherwise the relationship becomes stale and unfulfilling.

I can understand that unusual feeling of standing up for ourselves. I too have experienced that unusual feeling. Even among friends and family, I've always felt it's not right of me to voice out my wants in life, and to avoid as much conflict as possible, even if it means giving up the things that I truly want. A lot has to do with my past and upbringing, and I'm slowly learning to gain confidence, and regain control over my own life. So you're not alone for having that feeling of wanting more out of your relationship, and the uneasiness of standing up for yourself. It is true that by standing up for ourselves, we may end up hurting others around us. But it is those who are willing to work together with us and strengthen the relationships (whether it's friends or family), those are worth keeping and fighting for.

Will be rooting for you Kitty, and supporting you all the way regardless of the choices you make. I believe you'll be able to do what you feel is right for yourself and your life.

Jt

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Kitty,

I can see how torn you are and how hard this is. I have some experience in standing up for yourself - or not standing up for yourself as the case may be for me as well. I have tried to have talks with my partner about my feelings and how past indiscretions have affected me. I am kind of met with understanding, but it also mostly feels like I'm still being told to get over it and move on. I too feel selfish asking for anything in return and, in my case, I am not considering his feelings and how much I am hurting him with what I say. It's a bit of a circle.

You have every right to want to have your needs met and if he is not, or can't, meet them, then you need to look for another way.

I have read that I was enabling my partner's illness by supporting him and making his life more comfortable (he has an anxiety disorder). I was living within the rules and restrictions that he had in place to keep us safe. But really, they were just to keep him and his world safe so his anxieties weren't triggered. It meant my life basically stopped and all that I enjoyed went with it. It's still a bit like that now. I am slowly regaining confidence to speak up, but a lot of the time it also comes out in anger and frustration. I let it go too far and now I am the one with the issues.

I guess I am just saying that if you can see red flags now, then get out before it does come to affect you more. He is an adult and he is responsible for himself. It's great he is doing Uni, but I've got to say, what is the end game? If he has admitted he can't hold down a job, then what job will he get once he's finished? Sometimes Uni is just an excuse to prolong the inevitable.

If he truly loved you, he would see how unfair he is being and he would change that. Sometimes you have to blow it all up to inflict a change. That change could be in him, or it could be that you are free and ready to move on with your life. It has nothing to do with love. People stay in bad relationships out of love and it just causes them to hurt even more. Abuse victims are usually caught in a bas relationship because they love their partner or believe their partner still loves them. If they love you, they wouldn't want to see you unhappy or hurting.

[Kitty1991]

Hi everyone,

Geoff- I think you hit it on the nail. Everything has been about him and his needs for years. It is definitely not a 50:50 relationship. He cannot see why I say that though. He keep saying the this is the mental illness talking (apparently you can’t make rational decisions when your depressed or anxious 🤦‍♀️).
I told him two days ago I want to separate. So he moved into my spare room, and because I have ‘paralysed’ him with my decision, I have organised Centrelink for him and changing our banks etc... I know it is his responsibility but I want to get the ball rolling on him moving out.

he is concerned about his ‘assets’ (aka all the stuff I have brought) like the furniture, tv, laptop, push bikes etc...

I have couples counseling booked on Thursday to try and get him to understand why we are breaking up and to help him move on. I don’t know why I am bothering it just seems like the right thing to do.

Today he told me that he is really concerned because I will spiral into a well of despair when he leaves, unable to care for myself or my cat (the cat is my world, I will always care for my princess) and he isn’t sure I will mentally cope, and that the couples counsellor will agree with him. This seems a bit extreme right? Made me really anxious, had to shake myself out of it. I am a 30 year old female aircraft mechanic - I think I can look after myself. It will be easier than looking after the 2 of us like I have for the last 10 years.
Tomorrow he is going to house inspections so I am hopeful he will find a place for himself and move out soon. He wants me to pay his bond, I don’t want to but it would probably mean that he will move out quickly.

my anxiety has gotten worse with all the stress, had 2 panic attacks today. I don’t think I will tell him about them, I think he might try and use them against me. 🥺

I really hope our separation goes as well as a separation can. Thank you for your support everyone. Sometimes I think it must just be a me problem and that I shouldn’t rock the boat, but I am glad others are seeing things similar to me.

Thank you

[geoff]

Hello Kitty, he is only trying to make you 'give in' so that he can stay, but changing banks is a terrific idea, it's the start of becoming who you want to be and will develop even further, so well done.

You won't spiral into despair, you will flourish and the counselling booked for Thursday, two to one on he won't attend to it, you can still go if you feel it would help, but what you are doing is the best therapy possible.

Try and avoid paying the bond money for him, if he had worked then he could pay for it, alternatively, he can apply to Centrelink for the bond because you don't want any attachment with him, he has to do all of this by himself, no longer can he wait at home expecting you to do all of this, now he has to learn himself and perhaps he has someone he can live with until his bond money and a house/flat becomes available.

Once he has gone, how you feel will change all for the better, it may take a few days, maybe a week but finally you and your cat will love your freedom.

Please keep in touch.

Geoff.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Kitty1991,

You're doing great. Getting the ball rolling on him moving out is a really great show of how capable you are with taking care of yourself, and defending yourself for what you feel is right for you. I am with Goeff that, I doubt you'd be spiralling down into a well of despair. There may be moments of grief as a break up marks the end of a relationship. But I'm sure life for you will just get better from here on, might be even better as you exit out of a relationship where you felt it isn't right for you or what you're looking for.

I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety from the stress that you've been having. Happy to listen to you if you'd like someone to chat about it.

Jt

[emotionallydrained]

Good on your Kitty.

You will be more than fine because you are strong enough to do what so many struggle with. You have seen that for your own mental health and wellbeing that you need to go your separate ways and you're doing that. You seems very level headed about it and you are making a lot of right choices in the bank accounts and helping him move out.

As Geoff said, I would try and avoid the bond as well. I can see what you mean that it might help him move out quicker, but it's another thing keeping you tied to him.

I think the counsellor (if he does go) will confirm that it's probably the best thing. And even if they don't, only you know you and what is best for you. I think you've made a very brave move and I think you will be just fine.

Ps: You must be a strong woman, you're an aircraft mechanic! That is impressive in itself and says a lot about you.