Need advice regarding my twin sister

[Calloy]

Hi. I am brand new to this forum and could use some advice. I feel like my relationship with my twin sister has gotten very distant and I’m not sure why and what I can do about it. So just a bit of background…I am female and in my 40s and I have suffered from anxiety my whole life. In particular I have high social anxiety and social interactions can be difficult for me even with people I know well. My sister is married and has two teenage kids. I am also married but have choosen not to have kids.

We used to be close as teenagers and even lived together in our early 20s but now it seems she just doesn’t have any desire to keep in touch anymore. We do not live close (over 800 kms apart) so we do not see each other often but she has also stopped contacting me in any way. It has now been over 4 months since we had any contact and that was via text. I know she has a very busy life but surely she has 30 seconds to send a text. I know everyone will say that I could be the first to contact her but I have deliberately left it up to her as I feel I am always the one making contact and I wanted to see how long it would take her (4 months+ apparently).

There have been a couple of incidents which have really upset me but I have not been brave enough to tell her how hurt I was. I know she will not even see an issue. The most recent happened in April. My sister and her family were travelling up my way for the school holidays. They passed within 15kms of my house on they way to their holiday destination and didn’t “have time” to drop in for a visit. I would have been happy to even meet somewhere but that wasn’t even suggested. This was around the last time we talked.

This whole situation is causing so much anxiety that I feel physically sick. I actually feel nauseous just writing about it. The thought of texting her about this whole situation or about my feelings fills me with panic and dread. I doubt she even thinks there is a problem. She probably doesn’t even realise how long it’s been since we were last in touch. I doubt I enter her thoughts much at all to be honest . I think our relationship is more important to me than it is to her.

Anyway if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Honestly it feels good just putting my feelings out there even if it is not to the right person.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Calloy, welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We are really sorry to hear how hurt you are feeling by your twin at the moment and also very sorry to hear that it has been over 4 months since you were properly able to speak with her. It can be so painful feeling rejected or ignored by a family member. It sounds like you have been let down over and over. Perhaps it is at the point where you will need to bring it up with her? If you would like to talk any of these feelings through with a counsellor today we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice as well as referrals if you are wanting some more ongoing support. We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. We're sure that some of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.

[Petal22]

Hi Calloy,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry you have been feeling this way.

It must difficult for you to not have had much contact with your twin sister…

Im sorry this is causing you so much anxiety, have you thought about seeing your gp and discussing how you are feeling? You could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist.m who can give you many strategies to help you to manage your anxiety.

I know it’s difficult when things are hard relationships wise with your siblings……. Maybe you could send her a friendly message letting her know how much you miss her…….. hopefully you will get to talk to her soon and in a friendly way you could bring up with her how you have been feeling……..

here to chat

[Sophia16]

Hi Calloy,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community! I'm so glad that you stumbled upon it.

First of all, I am so sorry about the whole situation. It must be horrible 😞

I also suffer with social anxiety so I know how you feel. I think that you should call/video chat with your sister instead of a text. Expressing how you feel face-to face is much more meaningful than a text.

You must understand that your sister has a reason for reducing contact with you. Asking her is the only thing that will help.

To deal with it in the meantime, try speaking to a professional. This will help ease the negative emotions.

I hope you are okay.

[The_Bro]

Hi there Calloy and a BIG welcome to our forum.

Thank you for a beautifully written post - that must have taken some courage.

I see that Sophie our community moderator has suggested that you may find one of the Beyond Blue support services helpful.

I am one of four brothers, and have had a similar situation with my only sister (two years younger). I thought I would share how things went with you.

All my brothers used to pay out on her and I in particular said something hurtful one day that I later regretted. So we didn't have any contact for well over a year.

Anyway one day when in New Zealand I called her and said I would like to catch up and discuss care for our aged father. When we met I confessed I actually wanted to talk about our relationship as I valued and respected her as a person and wanted us to chat more. I was quite ready to apologise for what I said but she brought it up first, said there was no need to apologise and how much she appreciated me making contact again. Our relationship has been great ever since and I am so glad I made that effort.

In the case of your sister it may well be that her own life is full with looking after the teenagers, she could even have issues that she hasn't raised with you. You have shown courage to write this post - I suggest using that courage to contact her again. Playing the 'Its your turn to contact me' game rarely works. Something that may help you is preparing to ring her first by making a list of things you want to cover. This could help overcome any anxious moments. The first could be about how you love having her as a sister and notice you haven't been in touch much lately and wanted to chat more often. The second could be something like you were just thinking about something the two of you got up to when younger, how much fun it was, and thought you'd ring to have a laugh about it. And how much you miss those days together with her! Do you get where I am coming from?

Keep it positive, never mention her not contacting you as she will most likely raise it herself. Be sure to ask how the kids are and how their holiday went.

So yes, don't let ice form over you relationship and give her a call. Be very positive, tell her you love having her as a sister and express interest in her family. Bring up some positive experiences you have shared! And that she and her family members are welcome to stay with you anytime.

I sincerely hope this helps - I'd love to hear how you get on!

Bye for now, The Bro

[Self-Awareness22]

Hello Calloy.

I just wanted to say how brave you are to open up and share your story.

I believe journalling and writing down your thoughts can really help to manage situations. My advice would be to seek further support by an professional of your chose. A professional who you feel you can open up to. With anxiety, I know this can be a huge step. Even starting off with small steps and speaking to a trust-worthy counsellor online can bring so much more ease into your life. Then, eventually meeting face-to-face with this person would be feel so benefical. Trust me. It's relieving.

Trust in knowing there are honest professional who can help. With this support, during support or whenever you feel is the right time to contact your sister is completely up to you. Remember don't be to hard on yourself. You sound like a very caring and kind women. It's nice to know you care about your sister and her Family. There are also Supportive Groups in your local community who can be willing to chat. I know there are many Support Groups in my Community (online and offline).

If you were to go down the path of contacting your sister, I would text her and ask her for a call. Even on face-time if you go ahead with online counselling. As you stated "I know she will not even see an issue". If this is the case you can state nicely you feel the way you do. Be open and yourself. Whatever the outcome know you are worthy ❤️

As stated by Sophie_M if you need any extra tools and advice the Beyond Blue Support Service is always available. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on their website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Once again, thank you for sharing your story.

Sending you much compassion.

G ❤️