Struggling with 20year daughtr

[Kris78]

Does anyone there have a similar problem, my partner and I split up when my daughter was 4, now 20 for the last 5 years there has been a distance between us as she found out that her father and I were still having relations on the side whilst he had a girlfriend. I’ve met someone 3years ago and have not once sought any type of intermerce from her father in totally commit to my man.

point I’m trying to get to quickly is that my daughter doesn’t trust me and I she has made it clear that my actions sickener her and to top it off she feels that I put my new partner first.

over the years I’ve never brought anyone home and this is the first partner I’ve really had in about 15 years. I just want my daughter back.

I think finding out this info in her teenage years also presented relationship issue with her boys as it only now that she is looking at boy she acts like a 15 year old and not the mature 20 year old I know her to be.

When she is home she will sit in her room and not interact with myself. She does talk with my partner but sometimes it sarcastically and rude.

How ole do I get my daughter back when whatever I say is wrong or she doesn’t want to hear what I’ve got to say. I love her and want her to know she is a priority, with both suffer from extreme depression and anxiety which doesn’t help as I can barely leave the house. This is kind just a brief over view as I could go on and on with more.

Suffering so bad I miss her and scared she will do something to harm herself as well.

[JessF]

Hello Kris78, I sense you may have left some of the story out, from what I understand in your post, your daughter is still living at home, and has not coped very well with your divorce or that you have a new partner. This is not uncommon in families. But what makes you think she is going to do something to harm herself?

If your daughter has told you that she doesn't trust you, would it be worth sitting down with her and asking what you can do to regain that trust? I wonder too, based on this part of your post

I think finding out this info in her teenage years also presented relationship issue with her boys as it only now that she is looking at boy she acts like a 15 year old and not the mature 20 year old I know her to be.

whether your daughter might feel a little judged by you. Even if you haven't said outright to her that you feel she is acting immaturely, this may be coming across in other ways. If I were to put myself in your daughter's shoes, I may not feel I can open up to you about my relationships, as from my perspective my parents are divorced and weren't able to keep their relationship together; I may even feel that this dooms my own relationships to failure.

You mention that your daughter doesn't want to hear want you've got to say, it may be time to put yourself in her shoes and listen to what she has to say. This may not be easy, and some of it may be hurtful, but the first step to mending is good communication.

[white knight]

Hi Kris, welcome

Twenty year old, the emotions aren't often that much different to 16yo imo.

I met a lady when my daughter was 22yo, I'd been single for a few years and my daughter was living with me when not at uni. When I finally told her that I was in a relationship with her previous auntie by marriage (my ex's brother in laws ex wife) and she was my daughter favourite auntie of all time, I expected jubilation...instead it was hell for 3 months. I felt like you do now.

Finally I had to ignore the crying out loud (louder than she normally does), ignore the topic, continue to go out with my lady and forget her concerns. That was hard, real hard. But I had to take control.

Finally she asked calmly what our plans were.
Well darling, she is moving in here next week and also...we are engaged to be married"

She froze, I then had a conversation with her, the first decent mature one for 3 months. I told her she had had a boyfriend and I didn't interfere. That I deserved happiness and unless my choice of lady turned out abusive etc then she had to put up with her. And so on.

She then said, I'm happy for you dad. End of trauma.

As parent we are like a child at a small mud dam wanting to plug every leak as it appears. Sometimes our adult children don't even think of our needs and happiness. It's all about them and that sounds nasty it isn't meant...I was like that myself to an extent.

So batten down the hatches, look after her health and basic needs and insist on making the plans YOU desire for. You have rights, your daughter has rights, make sure she knows yours. While in that process of standing your ground, during discussions in respect to word numbers less is more. Once you have TOLD her of a plan with this man there is nothing more to say. If she doesn't like it, that doesn't mean you have to convince her.

Your happiness in adding to the home atmosphere in a positive way.

Finally your relationship with her father is between you both. The details are between two people not three.

TonyWK