Struggling Socially

[twolegsjoe]

Hi,

It feels a bit cliché, and possibly futile to even express this online, but I don't really know where else to turn to, so just wanted to get some outsider perspective on this.

I've struggled with making friends my whole life, it's nothing new, but it increasingly gets me down as time goes on. Once upon a time, yes I was a nihilistic, negative and quite annoying person to be around (around 10+ years ago). However, I've been actively trying to improve myself since, being receptive to advice I see online and receive from therapists.

I try to be outgoing, approaching people and initiating conversations. I don't just talk about myself, I'm not mopey or needy, I actively engage with people's interests, always keen to learn about them and get to know individuals in general. I'm well groomed, I pursue hobbies whenever I can, all-in-all I've been trying to make myself a person that people want to be around. 

But they don't, and I simply don't understand why. My partner attracts heaps of people, which I won't lie I get resentful of from time to time - especially when she complains about not having friends. 

It's especially heartbreaking when I approach people and they're far more interested in her. And I swear it's not just me projecting - they talk to her more, they want to follow up and organise things with her after we meet. Meanwhile, I'll follow up after and typically people just won't reply to me.

I've felt so lonely for so long, and putting all this effort into improving myself just feels like a waste. If there's anything I can elaborate on further to better inform a response, please let me know, because I feel like I'm going crazy.

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

I can see how frustrating and confusing this is for you. My partner was in a similar situation and we tried number of things that helped him.

We realised that people can sense our true mood that is caused not only by what we feel at that moment but also what we're thinking. We believe that we all are very tuned to what expressions our faces portray and it's really hard to control all of our face muscles to hide our true moods or try to put on different mood to what we actually have.

So it's really important to actually be in an approachable friendly mood for people to consider us as friendly and approachable. It can help to see what we're thinking and imagine what it would like if we said it out loud. It helps to think the way that would be ok if it was said aloud. I usually try to appreciate other people's company and they sense that and open up a bit more.

Also, other people are not always in a friendly mood or prefer different personalities and that's fine. We all different and enjoy different things, there's nothing wrong with anyone, it's just the combination is not a best match.

I'm not really sure whether it applies to your situation or whether you've already tried it. It might be hard to understand but it kind of worked for us and I hope that it might make it a bit easier for you.

I hope that things will get better for you because you're trying hard and you do deserve to be rewarded for it