Struggling after affair.

[Bushboy2016]

Hi. I'm a divorced father after my own doing. I was married for 10 years with 2 children and had an affair with a work colleague almost 6 years ago. I couldn't handle the guilt and told my wife about the affair at the time.

initially she wanted to try and work it out which we tried but things didn't work out. I ended up leaving the relationship and am now married to the lady from the affair. Since then we have had 2 children.

About 18 months ago I discovered that my current wife was having an affair. She wasn't happy with how the relationship was going and sort another man. At the time we'd only be married for about 14 months but had a 2 year old child.

For many years I have been struggling with clinical depression and aniexty. And had been going through a really bad down time leading up to he affair. I acknowledged this and promised to try harder in controlling my depression and being more open about it.

I asked her to stay and promised to work on the relationship. Since then for the last 18 months I have struggled nearly everyday to come to terms with the affair. Both with trust issues and regrets.

I suppose it could be said it's just karma coming back to bite me after I left the previous marriage in the same circumstances. However one of the reasons I left was that I knew the trust issues would be hard to over come and they were for my ex wife , just like they are now for me.

I struggled with the speratiom from the kids with my separation and admit a huge reason I begged my current wife to stay was because of the kids. I suppose what I'm asking is has anyone been through a similar situation and how long am I going to feel this void from the affair. I know it's double standards since I had an affair and basically treated my ex wife the same way I've been treated now. I don't know if I should just leave and start again. I can't help how my depression and medication makes me feel sometimes.

[Apollo_Black]

But I digress. You might need help to achieve your goals. Some good friends you can confide in, counselling, something like that. But the root issue is that you're probably a nice guy and let yourself become totally walked over. I did, and I let my guilt about my actions of the past lock me into an abusive relationship. This doesn't mean you become a complete MOFO, it means you start creating boundaries. No-one is saying you have to leave this woman, but something has to change. First up your current wife needs to acknowledge what she's done. She needs to apologise, as in REALLY apologise. She also needs to commit to open disclosure - i.e.: you need open access to her phone, emails, etc. Written confirmation that she has ceased her affair is also warranted. Because you know what? Her just saying she's stopped it doesn't mean anything. You need proof. Of course your trust has gone - she's smashed it to pieces. Now you have two claw it back again, which takes time. But if she can commit to your requests for open communications regarding affair cessation then it makes it somewhat easier for you.

Then there's the kids. I would be sussing out how you would agree to custody with your current wife if you did split .You said she might move away with them (so what did she actually say? How old are they?). This is unacceptable. You seriously need to protect yourself in this regard. I would start to document EVERYTHING. Spend as much time with your kids as possible. This is a perfect chance to demonstrate your personal development and becoming the best you can be (for yourself not her). Remember to be as calm as possible, especially with the kids. No anger, yelling, etc. Calm and controlled. Document everything in a secure diary. If things go pair shaped you need to come to an agreement regarding custody of the kids before anyone leaves the home (DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME). Get legal advice sooner rather than later (most family lawyers offer a free 30 minute consult). You can do all of these things whilst becoming Mr Awesome Dad 2.0. Just hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Remember that the stay plan is the same as the go plan. And remember that if you are committed to staying and trying to make this work - that you need yo confirm that the affair partner is totally out of the picture. TOTALLY.

Google: Dr Robert Glover and Athol Kay if you get time

[De10001]

@bushboy2016 - how are things now. These posts were from 2017 and we are coming to the end of 2018?