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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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JackM Help! Mother with dementia and brother with schizophrenia
  • replies: 4

I have a mother with dementia, and a brother with schizophrenia. My mother needs treatment but my brother is dead set against my mother getting treatment, and is riling her up all the time telling her that the rest of her children are trying to harm ... View more

I have a mother with dementia, and a brother with schizophrenia. My mother needs treatment but my brother is dead set against my mother getting treatment, and is riling her up all the time telling her that the rest of her children are trying to harm her in some way. My brother speaks in simple platitudes, promised to buy her a house (a promise that he cannot keep), and is basically the only person that she trusts at this point. This has been going on for about 18 months. Recently our sister and I were given a guardianship order to supervise our mother's health care, housing, and so on. We need our mother to cooperate but it is very hard when he is always on the phone to her telling her that he mean her harm. I've spoken directly to my brother about this, and he seems amenable for the most part when on the phone to me, but as soon as the call ends he is doing the same thing. We had a brief respite for about a week when the police picked him up during an episode, and was sent to the mental hospital. Once he got out he kept on doing the same. My question is what can we do about this? He is making it impossible to go about our duties are guardians as she refuses medical care, refuses relocation (back to her own home), and if this continues she is going to be permanently in a nursing home, something that we would like to avoid for as long as she is able to live semi-independently with in-home care. Are there any options to have my brother stop this behaviour? Negotiating haven't worked.

Bluebird46 Irrational thoughts?
  • replies: 3

I have had a few months where things have been so busy which has taken my mind off things but now my feelings are bubbling to the surface again... My partner who I don’t live with is going through a few things. He suffers from self esteem issues beca... View more

I have had a few months where things have been so busy which has taken my mind off things but now my feelings are bubbling to the surface again... My partner who I don’t live with is going through a few things. He suffers from self esteem issues because of his weight, which preceded our relationship by years. His weight is definitely not an issue for me, but his self consciousness about his weight definitely is, he says he hates being overweight and wants to do something about it, he has tried half heartedly but is not committed, and as a result is still miserable about it which is consequently rubbing off on our relationship. He has some family issues and is not happy with his job, whereas when we met he loved his job. He also has some family worries which I very much empathise with as I often feel homesick for my own family. When we met over 2 years ago he had been separated for a few years, but was not divorced. I was divorced before we met, and I did feel like he was close to being divorced. He has always been keen to move our relationship forward, but is still not divorced. He says it is monetary but he earns more than me, and has options available re his budget but he hasn’t taken them. Almost a year ago, he was suffering medical issues which were very much stress induced, and we were due to travel imminently. He was finalising his financial separation and due to his illness had missed the ball re a legal deadline. As a result we were faced with cancelling/ruining the holiday (which was also a visit to my family) or me lending him a significant sum which I did. This hasn’t been an issue for him because he is paying interest and is now looking at remortgaging but I am renting and feel like I am stuck until the loan is repaid. His kids are younger than mine, and I have been having issues with my youngest who is horrendously moody (oldest has flown the nest). We were wanting to live together but I am feeling less inclined as am feeling so unloved by my own kids, why would I want to prolong the agony by living with my partners kids? If I am struggling coping with my own kids where there is a biological bond how will I cope when there is no biological bond? Thoughts would be appreciated. I should say that I have no doubts as to his integrity at all, and he is an absolute gentleman at all times, but our circumstances have robbed us of the romance we had and I don’t know what to do thanks for reading

carer1 grief is mind bending
  • replies: 2

after years of caring for family and yesterday mum died I was there at the time so now there is just me and autistic daughter left I cant stand it the grief n ..................thought I had friends ....... I don't. neighbourhood isn't friendly very ... View more

after years of caring for family and yesterday mum died I was there at the time so now there is just me and autistic daughter left I cant stand it the grief n ..................thought I had friends ....... I don't. neighbourhood isn't friendly very clicky young childen /teenagers mine is an autistic 34 yo going no where.dont know what to do the pain is incredible to say the least the grief is making me feel sick , the fear of the future where do I go where do we live how do we live its such a hateful town /world cant get help to bury her cos she is the war widow of my dad who is already dead and only the spouse can claim bereavement benefit he was a british veteran , cant claim it there either I cant stand it any more

Topgunferrari I need help with my relationship and an agreement.
  • replies: 11

Hi everyone. My girlfriend and i have a difficult situation. We had a bit of a rough time due to her anxiety and she made an agreement with me where I can only talk to her on certain days of the week (tuesday, friday and sunday) and im not allowed to... View more

Hi everyone. My girlfriend and i have a difficult situation. We had a bit of a rough time due to her anxiety and she made an agreement with me where I can only talk to her on certain days of the week (tuesday, friday and sunday) and im not allowed to see her unless she says so. This agreement will last until the end of the month when she comes back from a holiday in Bali and then she will make a decision if she wants to continue with the relationship or call it a day. To set the picture..She has some very bad anxiety and she had been sent a message by a coworker of mine accusing me of cheating with some fake facebook messages showing some a conversation between myself and the coworker. The conversation, although fabricated did a lot of damage to my girlfriends trust since I had not told her that I was helping a fellow coworker with a troublesome situation at work considering im a manager and her anxiety at the time was getting pretty bad. My reasoning for not telling her about what was happening was that I felt as if I couldnt talk to her without her over-reacting about the situation and her brain having a meltdown. In the past she has though she has had a few people say to her that I was only with her because I was rebounding (I certainly was not I really love this girl a lot) and that has affected her thought patterns on me as well. This agreement has also caused a lot of anxiety for me as well since she still tells me that she loves me and that she wants things to be better but at the same time I receive a lot of mixed signals from her in the sense that one day she can say one thing and then the next she will say the complete opposite. I dont know if she has spoken to her psychologist about the agreement but I have spoken to my friends and my family and they all suggested that I run for the hills as quick as what I can...Although i cant just give up on her because my love for her is so overwhelming that I will feel like I have failed her if I did that. I dont pretend when I tell her that I love her unconditionally and i honestly do want to spend the rest of my life with her but I honestly need all the help I can get with this. Tomorrow her and I are going to play some Mini Golf and do some bowling and shes already worried that her anxiety isnt going to let up and let her enjoy her day. I honestly just want her to enjoy her day and see how much I love her and come back from this mess. Thank you for the help in advance. I appreciate it

Lonewog89 Toxic family member.
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I've been living with high anxiety and depression for a long time now 5+ years. This is from many things and I'm currently being treated by my GP. I'll try keep this as short as possible. I'm currently dealing with my sister in law and her ne... View more

Hi all, I've been living with high anxiety and depression for a long time now 5+ years. This is from many things and I'm currently being treated by my GP. I'll try keep this as short as possible. I'm currently dealing with my sister in law and her new bf. I'm in need of some advice! As this is affecting me bad on top of other things. Now quick history on her. She has 4 kids and is a single mum with their dad in a diffrent state. Over the 8 years I've been with my wife we are her as we say "clean up crew". This is from many messy relationships she has had (don't get me wrong domestic violence sickness me, there's no excuse!). But once again we are in the same situation with her new bf. When this happens and now is no different, she can't see it and she gets very spiteful and defensive. To the point where we didn't see her kids or her for nearly 2 years. Ok my problem now! My wife was verbally abused by her bf while i was absent. This has made me absolutely sick to my stomach that she coped these threats and her sister hasn't got a problem with this. Normally I would stand up for my wife and also probably done "reprimanding". But here is where my problem is I can't say a thing to him or about it. As if I did it would cause a family fight and she wouldn't let us or the grandparents see her kids again. Yes she has this before! Myself personally would be upset as I've been a uncle/dad to them their whole lives. More devastated would be my wife's parents, the grandparents who would suffer too. As we have a granny flat at our house that they are staying in currently. She unfortunately uses the kids as black mail to get her way! As I husband I feel absolutely powerless to protect my wife. As I have to welcome her and her bf into my house so the grandparents can see their grandchildren! I can't do or say anything out of fear they will take the kids away from them again. I don't want be the cause of the shockwave that would happen if I said that he was not welcome here anymore. As he is very controlling of her and he would do it out of spite. I just don't know what to do? It gives me great anxiety when I know they are coming over! Will I not be there if he gets violent again? Thanks for listening to my vent! Any advice would be much appreciated. Chris.

Piscorpleo 'acknowledging' past hurts with a loved one?
  • replies: 3

Has anyone here had an experiences with 'acknowledging' past hurts with a loved one? I had a bit of a wacky childhood, domestic violence, moving around the world with a sick mother who didn't really know what she was doing... I know there is a lot wo... View more

Has anyone here had an experiences with 'acknowledging' past hurts with a loved one? I had a bit of a wacky childhood, domestic violence, moving around the world with a sick mother who didn't really know what she was doing... I know there is a lot worse out there, but she would just make irresponsible decisions and blame us children for the results. Like moving us across the world and not checking if we would be able to get into school (I was not able to in he new country, not that she really cared!) Lots of decisions like this. Because she moved around all the time, and I missed out on education and socialization, I am realising now at 21 that I suffered from a heap of arrested development, and it has had a very negative impact on me . However, I do believe that my mother's illness and dependence on alcohol and drugs mean she really didn't know what she was doing. She didn't mean to hurt me but her choices have left me with scars which feel pretty deep - and moving around made me so isolated and alone. I never learned simple skills, like how to assert myself. I became secretive. I have been taken advantage of sexually, and I know I am the only one to blame, because I never learned proper social cues, she never taught me what was okay... all I ever saw was domestic violence in early childhood and after my parents divorced when I was 7, she just never spoke to me about relationships. I thought it was normal so I didn't fight it. I thought it was my job to be easy going. Probably stemming from the fact that whenever I would try and tell mum I was unhappy with something (example being my sister self harming at 13) she would avoid it or go into a diabetic coma. I lost my ability to be anything but submissive in so many respects. I am afraid to talk to a psychologist about what I have done/been through. I feel riddled with regret and guilt. I feel bad. I sometimes wonder if speaking to my mum on the phone (now that we live in separate counties) and just telling her how I am hurting would be a good idea? I hate the idea of hurting her, but I guess I have just been hurting a lot lately. Maybe that's too selfish of me though, so i am asking here for other opinions. I am safe now and in a loving relationship. I don't wanna put my mum into a shock coma and then not be there to help her... but I need to release this all somewhere... Have any of you had similar experiences? Would be keen to hear it, or even just your opinions. thanks

Singlemom2018 Single & Pregnant & 1600kms from home
  • replies: 6

My ex partner of 5 years & I split on October, a week later I found out I was pregnant with our second baby. Originally I was tested for a slow miscarriage & had a number of tests before we confirmed a viable pregnancy. We looked into all options inc... View more

My ex partner of 5 years & I split on October, a week later I found out I was pregnant with our second baby. Originally I was tested for a slow miscarriage & had a number of tests before we confirmed a viable pregnancy. We looked into all options including keeping the baby, adoption & abortion. But after speaking with the abortion clinic, my doctor, friends and a per natal psychologist I made the decision to keep my baby. My ex was mad & tried to blackmail me into having an abortion repeatedly. He told me if I had an abortion, he would allow me to travel back to my home country to raise my other kids. He used the word "kill" when discussing an abortion. I found the strength to ignore his requests. I'm so glad I kept my baby. I actually thought he was suffering mentally & saying these things as a result of a mental illness. Due to this misconception, I even increased my hours at the business we share, to take the work load off him & ease some stress. I was devastated at the break up & hope we would reconcile. In mid December I found out on social media he was in a relationship with a 22 year old French student. She had posted pics of them kissing. She went to our Christmas party so all our employees/mutual friends knew about her before I did. It then came to light that he began dating this girl the weekend I was waiting on results of the miscarriage in October. And she was the reason he wanted me to abort my baby. She has been very vocal on social media about their relationship (posting pictures of them in bed together), how great it is, I've had deactivated all my accounts. He has even had her working in our business behind my back, which I only found out about when I discovered her in our office one day. As a result I now work from home alone & hate it. He's missed every pregnancy scan, he missed the 20 week scan as he took his girlfriend on holiday. He took 8k out of the business to fund this. While he was gone, I was responsible for our accounts & found we have been making losses every month since October. We are at real risk of going into liquidation. We employ 6 people. My question is, how do I get over being so disregarded & humiliated repeatedly? I am over the heartache but how do I stop being so angry at how I've been treated? Its all I think about. Im angry about how he's letting the business fail when we have kids to provide for. I wake up at night angry. I'm lonely too. I see a psychologist, meet friends, walk & meditate daily.

Charli_May My partner doesnt know I have scitzoeefctive disorder
  • replies: 1

Ive been with my girlfreind for nearly 6months but i cannot tell her about my mental illness. She saw a tab on my computer opened for scitzophrenia and asked if i thought i was crazy. When she told me she suffered deppression as a teenager i told her... View more

Ive been with my girlfreind for nearly 6months but i cannot tell her about my mental illness. She saw a tab on my computer opened for scitzophrenia and asked if i thought i was crazy. When she told me she suffered deppression as a teenager i told her it was nothing to be ashamed of and alot of people expieirnce it and i i do time to time her response was are you suicidal? She has grown up in the country and seems to have a led a sheltered life to mine, my mental illness does not define me I hide it well but at time i do need time alone and i can get overwelmed. I work and study and have avoided further ect but have spent alot of time in physciatric faciitlies. I work in disability and am studying welfare my partner has the mentality that mental illness is a weakness she has a sort of old school man mentality like dont cry, mental illness is bad crazy thing very much fitting with the stigma society represents. Everyone else in my life is aware I am afraid she will leave me if she finds out or put in a box that makes me crazy, I am very much a people pleaser so will go with the flow of a situation to please another so when she asks me if i will be staying the night and i respond no and then she starts asking why i will then say that i will in that moment she tells my im bipolar. Thats her mentality on issues, it is a weakness in her eyes. She gets mad when i dont tell her everything because i also have some physcial condtions but she seems to put me down for things i dont want to be told im crazy or if we have a fight or something her to use it against me, i have agut feeling everytime something happend even minute it would be turned on me because i have a mental illness.

Heartbrokenmum Should I keep trying?
  • replies: 8

8 months ago I found my husband of 21 years on dating/hookup sites. I confronted him and of course he denied it. I told him if he was cheating on me and our 4 children to leave. He left that day.. There was alot of anger and abusive texts blaming me ... View more

8 months ago I found my husband of 21 years on dating/hookup sites. I confronted him and of course he denied it. I told him if he was cheating on me and our 4 children to leave. He left that day.. There was alot of anger and abusive texts blaming me for the seperation in the beginning but he just kept saying he needed time and space from me. I remained in our home with the children and was absolutely devastated. I had always been supported him and once he left, our world turned upside down. I started to study nursing to be able to return to the workforce and provide for my children. Ive now graduated and have started working for the first time in almost 20 years. Since starting working there has been alot of mixed signs from my husband and I feel confused. He has had little to no contact with the kids since leaving and one day is abusive through text messages and the next day asking if I need any help just to let him know. I have needed help with a few things around the house and he has been happy to assist. Just in recent weeks I went to call in to visit him with one of our daughters and he was not there but we were greeted by a woman who admitted to being a prostitute and was staying with him for a few days. She also admitted to alot having alot sexual encounters with my husband but it was strictly business. We also found a glass pipe and drugs on the premises. My husband has never been one to take these sort of drugs so I was shocked that this kind of activity was going on. I asked him about this and denied any wrong doing here also and said he was just helping her out with a place to stay. I feel confused because he constantly abuses me via text message but when face to face couldnt be a nicer person to me. He helps me out with the house and financially when he doesnt have any obligation to do so. For example, 3 weeks ago purchased a brand new laenmower for me and called in on the weekend with a beautiful 6 burner BBQ for us to use here at home. Between those times though received many hurtful messages via text saying he wants to watch me suffer and struggle? I just dont understand if its a cry for help or if he has some kind of mental issues. We shared 21 years together and 4 beautiful kids, I dont feel like I can turn my back on him even though the he has said we are completely over. Am I just holding on to something that should have been forgotten the day I confronted him about cheating and he left?? Help!!!

Bill66 I'm married to an alcoholic.
  • replies: 1

My wife drinks most nights. That's not the problem, to be honest. Sure, the fact that she blacks out on the couch 6 nights out of 7, and I go to bed alone is a hinderance to our intimacy. It has been like this for many years. She says I've driven her... View more

My wife drinks most nights. That's not the problem, to be honest. Sure, the fact that she blacks out on the couch 6 nights out of 7, and I go to bed alone is a hinderance to our intimacy. It has been like this for many years. She says I've driven her to drink, to escape her depression of a couple of failed businesses that have left us in a massive financial hole. The problem is that today, after suspecting it for many months, I realised she has been drinking in the morning - before driving our teenage sons to school. When I called her out on it, she claimed it was "only a couple of beers" and that she was "ok to drive". We've had many fights over the years, and most of them are fuelled by booze. This has been going on much longer than our financial dramas. I'm really at my wits end. We've discussed the drinking many times, and sometimes she even admits it IS a problem... but mostly it comes back to her having to deal with the stress of being the bread-winner, married to a loser, etc etc. I've never cheated on her. I've done my best to be a model dad for my kids, and apart from the past 3 years, I've supported our family. There are a lot of other anger issues - she lost her parents when she was young, has gone through breast cancer, and this gets used as an excuse as well. It's hard for me not to become depressed and sullen when her verbal attacks on me get really heated. On the flip side, when she is sober she is a fantastic mother, and a wonderful person to be with. None of her friends know this side of her, and she would be horrified if they knew. Do I urge her to come to couple counselling with me ? Do I make this all public and hope the shock of the truth gets her to take some action ? Do I leave ?