Breakup struggles

[kebabeater]

Recently, I got out of a relationship that was toxic in many ways, mostly being mentally and verbally and while I am grateful he was never physically abusive towards me the verbal toll it paid on me was very high and I am struggling to move on as he made me change the way I see myself. I feel as though I can't move on because no one will ever see the good in me as I struggle to find any good left within myself as my ex told me I am a very annoying and clingy person which I now feel as thought I can not change. Despite the way he treated me, I need help on advice how to move on and fall out of love as I know I still love him and have even tried reaching out to him to see if he wants to meet up. I have no self control with him and I can tell its sending me back down the path of depression and anxiety about myself which I had only just recently started to overcome. Any advice on either how to move on and be happy by myself or advice on how to not see myself as a waste of peoples times would be greatly appreciated. (:

[therising]

Hi kebabeater

You're definitely not a waste of people's time for you have much to teach others on their path in life.

I'm going back far more than just a few years now, in recalling what I believed to be my greatest love. This guy was my first true love or so I thought at the time. He was incredibly good looking and one seriously toxic dude. He was an absolute player (loved the ladies) and thought nothing about bagging me out behind my back. So, I'll give you the sort of advice I would give my younger self, if I had the chance. If we place our own value in the hands of another person, once that person leaves then our value seems to disappear. By holding onto that person, we are remaining attached to what we believe defines our value in life (we are lovable, significant, worth attention etc). In truth, we do not need another person to prove our worth.

From a very young age we are taught our identity by the many people around us. In our relationships throughout life we learn to relate to others whilst relating to our self at the same time (through the lovable, significant, worthy thing). Becoming conscious of the learning process found in our relationships means we become conscious of our teachers, good and bad, skillful and unskillful. Having lived both inside and outside of depression, I have come to find one of the greatest truths we can ever be taught: If we have learned to see our self as anything less than valuable then we must being to question our teachers, more than we question our self. What your ex has taught you to believe displays a lack of skill and inspiration on his part. He has been a poor teacher to someone with and open heart and an open mind.

Being an ancient gal now, at the ripe old age of 48, I teach my 16yo daughter and 13yo son about the concept of 'beliefs'. I say to them 'What I teach you in life does not define you, it defines me. What I teach you is based on my beliefs and it is important to remember this, so that you remain conscious of choosing your own way in seeing the world; so you remain free to choose your own identity free of judgement'.

Once we commit to finding the truth in life, we in turn commit to finding the most honest and authentic version of our self.

Take care