Hi, welcome
Sounds like a stormy family dynamic. When kids are young it is essential the step parent has a level of nurturing that glues it all together, adults not so much.
I think its best I take one situation at a time. You elude that your step daughter shows you photos of her passed mother with her father. Unless you clearly know it is for devious reasons, to hurt you, I would suggest that, that action is quite normal to display her memories of her mother. But there could be more, in fact there must be more because the other step children dont have much interest in you. I'd say, from experience on one of my step families I had, that the older adult, in this case yourself, much show much more interest in those adult children than the other way around. Furthermore you have to ask many questions regularly to get to a point whereby they accept you. This doesnt come naturally for many and it isnt easy to do. Asking about their mother is one way and praising her for raising them so well among other praises, cooking together a family meal is another, shopping together for a father day gift?... such bonding has to be instigated by yourself.
With your son although its your husbands choice ideally if he could be a leader to quell the tension with your son that would be progress. Is it stubbornness from your husband or did your son do something most people would find unforgivable? Big question there because sometimes conflicts cannot be mended.
In this situation when are you going to "stop saving the world" with these conflicts? I understand your son cant visit you and the sadness that brings, but he is a grown adult as is your husband and its really for them to work it out. By placing pressure on either of them is to invite tension from them to you individually. That isnt recommended. The better alternative is to meet your son and his family alone, enjoy them and allow time to mend relationships as it sometimes does.
Step parents rarely see their step children in perfect light like their own. Families have their own behaviours, punctuality, social interactions and so on, all families are different. I've had 4 long term relationships all over 7 years long including my marriage of 15 years now and they are all so different, even odd at times. eg its hard for me to understand how they dont contact each other until xmas time even then they could miss a get together choosing work break up over a family party. Or how one family never accepted the 5 inlaws married into the family "all was great until inlaws came around". So it could be difficult especially in older age when we are set in our ways.
Leave them to their own squabbles. Wasting your life away worried about these things is unhealthy.
I hope I've helped in what is a heartbreaking problem. Clarify more and reply is you like.
TonyWK
