Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

[Tonyh]

So I have an adult stepdaughter who is 20 and living with us, everyday I come home from work I find plates and mess left around the kitchen. I am forever asking her nicely to clean up after herself only to be met with attitude and anger. I keep telling the missus and she says well ask to to clean it and I try to explain that its not getting anywhere and can she talk to her. The problem is im not sure anything is getting said as it still keeps happening. Lately she has been parking behind my car in my driveway purposely blocking me in even though I left her space to park beside me. The comments and attitude im getting is almost making life not worth living there. If it weren't for my 9 year old daughter I'd move out as I am at my boiling point with this crap cause i just wanna have some peace in my life but there is always something that pisses her off and the whole house has to know it apparently. What's really frustrating is that my partner is always being nice about everything with her which makes me feel like she is nurturing her attitude and giving her the idea that she can keep doin it. What the hell am I supposed to do? My lil girl is always coming up to me asking if im ok as she can clearly see this is affecting me. Anyway any advice would be very helpful now because I feel like im supposed to just live with this crap. Thanks for your time 

[tranzcrybe]

There is much resentment on both sides with your wife caught in the middle.
Your stepdaughter is also making it clear that she has not adapted to the lifestyle over the past 8 years and this seems to be a pot that has been brewing for some time.

Presently she has the better of you which is potentially driving a wedge between you and your wife.

Are you perhaps a pawn in her objective by contemplating walking out and not speaking to her? Is it that easy for her to win?

Hypothetically, what would you do to address this if she was your daughter? - or if it was your wife who left the mess? Do you feel you might be more or less sensitive to her needs?

if stepdaughter's history indicates being spoiled, then it is imperative that yours does not. Show compassion for her acting out and try to find understanding for the underlying cause.

Walls are best knocked down if you are all pushing from the same side.

[tranzcrybe]

It is always easy to identify a circle, but not until we examine it from all sides will it become apparent that we are looking at a sphere.

[therising]

Hi Tonyh

It's so incredibly challenging when the people we live with trigger us in a whole number of ways. It's not only about their questionable behaviour, it's also about how we feel that behaviour. So, double the challenge.

Took me around a couple of decades as a mum to put my hand up and say 'Yes, I can clearly see it now, it's partly my fault my 19yo son and almost 22yo daughter have limited skills when it comes to home maintenance'. I smile when I say that my mum warned me from the start that my lack of discipline (in getting my kids to clean up after themselves) would come back to bite me. I got into the habit of picking up after them, as it was easier and faster when they were little, rather than trying to teach them. I've only gotten out of that habit recently. Took a while, hey. Looking back, I never really considered washing dishes to be a skill but it is. I never considered picking up empty toilet rolls off the toilet floor a skill but apparently it's a skill both my kids seriously lack (grrr😠😅). Rinsing a plate, being conscious of others, developing compassion, cooking, cleaning, ironing and the list goes on, they're all skills. If we eventually leave home without a lot of these skills, it can be one heck of a problem for our housemates to live with.

I like what tranzcrybe mentions in regard to a circle being more of a sphere. Studying things from multiple angles can make some difference. One angle, amongst many, could include 'How does the brain of that person work?'. Do they struggle with developing and/or maintaining certain skills under a variety of conditions or are they just lazy or is it a bit of both? While my son's been diagnosed with high functioning autism and my daughter's been diagnosed with ADHD, some of their behaviour's due to laziness, some of what they struggle with relates to their nature and some of it relates to nurture or should I say a lack of the right kind of nurturing in the way of skill development. I'm not being hard on myself, just being matter of fact. With both autism and ADHD, struggle can come from a lack of solid structure. Consider the solid structure when training in the army. Every cadet must follow guidelines. Anything less than acceptable is not accepted. All cadets work as a unit. They are not trained to sit back, pick and choose what they want to do and be self serving, they are trained to serve the unit as a whole. With a common sense of unity, there is a high functioning community. I can say that when I channel the commander or drill sergeant in me things tend to get done around the house.

So, from one viewpoint of that sphere 1)me not being a drill sergeant at times can come with problems, 2)the need for structure is another angle, 3)no consequences or accountability is another, 4)the need for skill development is another, 5)brain function is another, 6)the preference for lazing, as opposed to action, can be another and the list goes on. The more you move around the sphere, the more that comes to light. I should add, with ADHD and autism, teaching a skill can be complex at times. When focus is an issue, developing interest and a relationship with the task becomes a challenge. Inner dialogue may need to be managed and a sense of feeling a payoff may have to be considered. These things are just some of what's involved. How to do things thoughtlessly (not thinking our way out of doing things) is another skill.

While I think your stepdaughter's mum needs to take some accountability for the lack of skills her daughter has, there is easily one way to manage your stepdaughter not sharing the driveway. I'd question her 'Are you prepared to share the driveway, with us parking beside each other?'. If her answer is 'No' (in one way or another), then don't share the driveway. Stop just inside of it. This way, she can't park behind you. I've learned with my kids that they tend to quickly adapt when things become incredibly inconvenient for them. They do not like the feeling of inconvenience. It tends to really aggravate them. Serving yourself for a change can come as a relief.