Just been dumped again

[Scared]

8 years ago I met girl in Thailand who just dumped me this morning.

In fact shes ended it many times since my return to Aus.  This girl is unique in that she is child like in her ways and I always suspected maybe some form of Autism.  I took her under my wing so to speak and for years helped her out.  She became almost like a daughter to me ( she is 38 )  im 61.  I spent couple years living in Thai but returned because of lack of money.  But when i was homeless some years back this person gave me purpose to live when all around me was cold and bleak .  Now i have depression again and I lost the only sunlight i was getting and that was our daily phone calls.  I dont know if she will call me again or if this is one of her weekly mood changes.  The point is im too afraid to be left in my bleak depression alone.  I know all the sayings let people go if you love them but i cant help being selfish and need her more than she needs me. My only goal i had was to get well get job and go visit her .  Without that goal i have nothing.  Im sick of depression robbing my life and robbing my ability to fight on.  My life my housing my outlook is so bleak im too afraid to really look at it because im scared of going insane.   I seem to have put up a blocker and i think my brain is trying to protect me from that reality

[Croix]

Dear Frightened~

While you might be scared about it I can see no way you will 'go insane'. It is true life is giving you a very hard tme however the person I see posting to others has empathy, care, common sense, wisdom and provides hope.

You have a worthy goal, sort your situation, get some finances and return to visit this  person in Thailand. It may take while however to have a goal is a great plus.

You talked about uneven relationships, it sounds as if you have already given a lot. Relationships are not normally a matter of balance, but care. If she does not ring is there anything lost in you ringing? OK you might get her on a bad day, but people have ups and downs. If you liked her nature before I'm sure it was with good reason.

Croix

[Scared]

I saw your post just then as been off line for ages.

I couldnt call her out of fear for being yelled at or put down.

I had become incredibly fearful of her and if friends really knew the extent of her wrath then a storm would erupt in my defence.  They were some of the hardest days of my life and I still have anxiety today when she calls.  I never initiate calls anymore to her so the ball is always in her court.  Having depression and barrage of abuse nearly ended me.

She has mental issues too but things have calmed down the last 4-5 months.

If she was a normal mentally well woman I would have cut her off quick.

If my girls mother knew what she was doing to me then she would be facing a very angry mother.

So up to this point nobody knows the extreme abuse I copped and lived thru.

But I know I always have my brothers and sisters on BB.

I always picture what you guys look like and I wonder how accurate or how far off I am.